Forgiveness Is No Art!

It was mid-October and my lunch hour. I sat in my car feeling utterly confused and defeated. I was miserable. I wasn't feeling lonely, depressed or anxious. What I was feeling was just plain hopeless. I was starting to snap at my co-workers and felt envious of my friends, who seemed to have brighter lives than me. The more I tried to control my feelings and their effect on those around me, the more I failed.

I turned to Romans 7 and began to read. The passage pointed out that we end up doing what we don't want to do. The problem was, I knew that already. Intellectually and physically I wanted to get rid of the envious feelings and the confused heart I had toward God. The problem was, even pouring over scripture did not send the usual answer. I prayed a hopeless prayer to God; asking Him to show me how to love these people. Then I took a nap in my car. I hoped that when I awoke the feelings of misery would pass. They didn't pass.

The following morning I felt better. Sleep has always helped restore me. The thoughts of "Why, Lord?" continued to plague me. I was starting to dread seeing my co-workers. I dreaded seeing them not because they were unpleasant but because they were a reminder of how jealous I was of the families they have, the husbands they married etc. I hated myself for feeling that way. I couldn't stop the thoughts. I couldn't get the victory. I had prayed, read my Bible and found no answers. The heavens were locked in silence and my banging on heaven's gates didn't supply the help needed. I digress. That morning, I spoke to my friend like always. She mentioned she needed to forgive a wrong that was committed against her. It hit me like a bolt of lightening. Forgiveness! Yet how did forgiveness play into envy and jealousy? I knew at the heart was forgiveness. When I got off the phone, I started to pray for forgiveness.

I didn't pray that I could forgive my friends, co-worker etc. I started to pray that God would forgive me. That He would forgive me for wanting a life He hadn't supplied. That He would empower me to love His will. I reasoned the life He gave me was His will. Jesus told us "but I came to bring them life, and far more life than before." I began to realize that I must never wonder why He's given me this life. It's a fruitful life and blessed by God. He's supplied my every need. I must not feel like I'm less blessed or more blessed than someone else.

I started to feel the power of God. It didn't stop there. I began to plead with God to please take away these envious feelings. I admitted I was completely unable to stop thinking the thoughts or stop wanting the life of another. It felt impossible. It seemed silly to ask God to stop the thoughts. It seemed counter-intuitive. I kept thinking that God wasn't a genie to rub. That I must seek self-control and get a handle on these feelings myself. I prayed it anyway because even through all my sincerity, I couldn't stop the way I felt. It was useless.

It was that prayer that taught me a most precious lesson. We serve a truly, merciful God. A God who didn't come into the world to condemn it but to save it. Jesus came to forgive us our sins and to help us forgive others, to love our enemies and to serve those around us. Before we came to Him, some of us tried very hard to be a good person. Yet sincerity is useless. The truth still exists - that we are sinners. The Lord Jesus wants to help us in our infirmities. He's waiting for us to say the simple prayer "I can't do this without You." Dear friend, wherever you are and whatever situation you are in, ask God to help you. It is impossible to forgive. It is impossible to love always. It is impossible for you and for me. It is not impossible for Jesus. Thank you Jesus that we are more than conquerors! "“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”"

God's Magnificent Comfort

A review of my journal and blog entries reveals how much I've struggled with loneliness and loss. I want to shift gears and focus on the incredible comfort I've received in knowing Jesus. This afternoon my friend took her marriage vows. They weren't the traditional vows. They focused on friendship and a love that is based on inspiring the other to greatness. At one point it was mentioned that the other would be a comfort through the tears. I sat in relative awe. Does such a person exist? It me thinking of the platitudes I've been told when my mom died. Some suggested my mother's loss would yield the opportunity to get closer to my dad. Others told me time and other people would fill the void the loss of my mother caused in my life. None of those words comforted me. In truth, I'm no closer to my father than when my mother died and while my life is "filled" with friends and exciting experiences, none of that has washed away the empty spot at my heart's table.

My dear reader, I don't write these things to discourage you but rather to point out that sometimes the phrases of others are trite. A person can hold your hand but they can never mend your heart. Only the master builder can restore what's been lost. He does so with sweet kindness. He manages to fill the gaps that loved ones leave and soothes the sorrow the sin in this world has caused. He soothes it by revealing Himself to the one who seeks comfort.

This week I read something from Corrie ten Boom's "Reflections of God's Glory" p. 25 that really touched me. She wrote, "I once begged for deliverance, but the Lord said, 'My grace is sufficient for you.' I continue to look to Him and try not to be impatient. I won't be here a moment longer than God thinks necessary. Pray for me that I will be able to wait for His timing. Life here has wonderful proportions; time is here only to be lived through. It amazed me that I have adapted so well. Some things I can never get used to, but in general I am very happy. It is dark, but then the Savior gives His light and that is wonderful." Corrie wrote those words while in solitary confinement. Our lives can feel like that. Portions of our lives are very stagnant and yet Jesus promises "Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest."  The Bible tells us that God is our comforter and He comforts us so we can comfort others. Until recently, I had never experienced the magnificent comfort of God. His comfort warms us more than a fire on cold day and soothes us to the soul level. The rest that we find in Christ isn't hinged on tranquility, rather it is centered on being made whole by Jesus Christ. The ocean of God's comfort astounds me. It's so limitless and allows us to triumph under any circumstances. Do you need comfort? Are you hoping someone will fill the void in your life? If so, come to Jesus and ask Him to comfort you. You won't be disappointed!

Only The Lord Can Restore What's Lost

At 8:30 a.m. tomorrow I leave for California. I've managed to shred my personal papers, preclean the house before the cleaning people come on Thursday, pay the June bills that were almost overdo, forward my flight information and pack. As I packed, I fought loneliness. It's not always easy to drive myself to the airport but I'm thankful someone is waiting for me at the other end! That definitely helps a lot. I'll be spending a good 4 days with my friend before heading to San Diego for the weekend to reconnect a bit with my cousins. As usual, I'm off the beaten path and forging another new tributary. I wonder how I'll be with little alone time. Will I crave "me time" or will I be relieved? I've spent the last year completely single and have learned to hate and treasure my time. It's interesting what being alone does. Still, everyday the thought gnaws at me. When will God choose for me not to be so undone? Is there a happy ending for me? As I leave for the airport tomorrow, I'm missing true friends (but I'll be seeing one), a confident and a relationship. I'm missing a lot. Only the Lord can restore what's been lost. It's out of my hands. That's what 2011 is teaching me.

So it is surrender? Or is it...
{but maybe the best any of us can do is not quit, play the hand we've been dealt, and accessorize what we've got.}


-Carrie Bradshaw in Sex & the City

When A Trial Is Over

On Friday night I was seated at Applebees with a group of young women after Jersey Life had concluded. As we began to share our testimonies (life story), I realized that the sorrow and dreadfully horrible experience of my mother's loss had faded. While I still miss my beloved mom and shed a few tears, the shock and deep billowing sorrow has been replaced with a peaceful acceptance. The Lord's promise that He will give us beauty for ashes and the oil of joy for mourning is quite true. Sometimes pain is healed gradually because our human hearts feel it so deeply. But as Corrie ten Boom said, "There is no pit so deep that God’s love is not deeper still" Hallelujah.

Isaiah 61:3

3 To console those who mourn in Zion,
To give them beauty for ashes,
The oil of joy for mourning,
The garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness;
That they may be called trees of righteousness,
The planting of the LORD, that He may be glorified.”

A "Stretched" Week

The breeze is tickling the trees on this sunny, 85 degree day. I've finished my run, consumed my egg white omelet on dry rye toast and am now sipping some decaf coffee while I muse over the week. My week started ordinarily enough. My boss was out on Monday. I headed down 287 for an all you can eat sushi with people I've only met once before. By late Wednesday, I had conducted my first mock interview session (the Chief of HR said I'm a tough interviewer) and I spent Thursday racing through a company sponsored happy hour before jumping on a train the NYC to meet the folks at the NYYRC. My week sounds glamorous right? Read below for the thoughts and truth of the "real" occurrences.

Monday's "Sushi Coma" was tough for me. I became an introverted observer at the table. The group was a lively and entertaining but it was obvious their lifestyle and mine didn't gel. Wednesday's mock interview made me overly sensitive to how insensitive I am of others when I'm nervous. During the session, the Chief of HR said I'm a tough interviewer who threw out curve ball questions. I still haven't asked the Chief of HR how she felt about how I led the session. I haven't asked because I hate to confront my failures and I felt very bad about myself.

Thursday's work sponsored cocktail hour had me feeling uncomfortable. Everyone was years older than me and I didn't know that many people. Still, I met the new Pro Bono coordinator and mingled a bit before heading out.

At NYYRC, the people were dry, bland and unfriendly. I came dressed in a white linen suit, they were in navy blue, black and grey suits. I didn't stand out but I didn't blend either. It was clear that I'm not as conservative as I feel. I thought going to the NYYRC was going to be hook me up with like minded people. Meaning, they're moral, ethical etc. Instead I was confronted with a group of self righteous people declaring they're right and the left is wrong. While I agree, they're right - the sentiment fell flat. I wrote self righteous above because it didn't feel like the sentiment was packed with love and compassion. It had me thinking, so this is how a civil war was started.

Here's the rainbow...Friday found me driving to work down on myself and exhausted. I still had one event left before the weekend. I complained to a coworker that I had no game left and wished I could stay home. Her response, "You better go because tonight could turn out better than you think". She was right! Friday reaffirmed my need for constant Christian fellowship. It reaffirmed that common values doesn't mean we have a spiritual commonality at all.

Here's what this week taught me:

• When we don't have commonality with someone, friendship and having a fun night out may not be possible.
• Sometimes our behavior isn't the best when we're nervous. Focus on the other person/people even more when nervous.
• Don't give up your faith. Hold to it and continue in it always. The rewards far exceed the pain.

What Do You Want

I just finished rubbing a tear off my face after watching "Bethenny Gets Married". In the season finale Bethenny states that she never thought she'd be able to have it all. She thought she'd have to choose between having a career or having a family. She learned she can have it all. I do relate. At 30 years old, I stepped away from my life and asked myself where I want to be. Then I realized I wasn't close. The more I began asking myself what I wanted, the more I realized I didn't know. Or did I know and I just didn't want to admit it?

I'm not cut from the same cloth. I've always chosen to fight, forge a new path and have refused to settle for the status quo. I have a lot of passions and dreams and while I've haven't always known how to get them, I still clasp onto them. What I've learned, recently, is getting what you want means knowing what you want and having the willingness to work hard for it. Success isn't about just showing up. It's about showing up, rolling up your sleeves and getting to work. No one has had a career or anything else for that matter come to them. That realization came after reading old journal entries and reviewing my previous blog articles. Instead of hard work, I chose the path of least resistence. I wallowed in self pity, grief and loneliness which was leading me down a pathway to bitterness. Life doesn't have to be bitter and it isn't all bad.

What is it that I want right now? Friends to enjoy myself with, to continue down my career path, and to live on my own. I want to be self sufficient. I want to be able to say I've made it on my own. I don't want to rush into marriage and motherhood. I feel there are experiences I must have. It's taken me a long time to realize that God has ordered my path and the path He's chosen is much better than my own. I have only a glimmer of its reality but I'm enjoying it. God means our lives to be good. We can't focus on every horrible situation and forget to reflect on the blessings.

I hope you take some things away from this post.

1. Life contains good and bad circumstances. Learn to accept both as the will of God. Have faith that He'll lead you out of them. It may take time but it will happen.
2. We cleave to our own path but the path God makes for us is smoother and leads to lasting happiness.
3. Learn to communicate what you want to your employers, your friends and your family. People cannot help you if you don't tell them what you need help in.
4. Getting what you want entails prayer and hard work on your part. Some things will not just come to you because you prayed. Yet, you should start and end with prayer.
5. Not every thought is from God. Ask God to help you discern the truth from a lie. This takes wisdom. Seek God's wisdom in your life. Continue on your path until God corrects you. Trust that He will!
6. Sometimes the things we ask for don't happen on our timetable. Self healing may need to occur. Ask God to grow you into the best version of yourself you can be. Only He can do the work.

Being Vulnerable & The Outcome Of It

I've always been a person open to criticism. Or should I call it feedback? That's what we call it in the HR world. I digress but shouldn't. Last week I took a huge chance and posted my online dating profile in a public forum and welcomed feedback from male viewers. The responses were enlightening. A lot of good came of it. For one thing, I've learned men prefer to see a full body photo and then a head shot. It seems men fear a woman who posts just a head shot is fat! Hmpf! One viewer said the object of your headline and photo and is to increase "click ability". Flattering photos and a catchy screen name or headline will do the trick. Yep, you guessed it. The guys were right. Within several days of swapping my initial photo from a head shot to a full profile shot, I received emails from 5 men within my target market. Great!

Moving along to a more serious topic though. Most men felt my profile lacked pertinent details they wanted to know. I decided to experiment. I swapped the photos out and then left the profile "as is". Men responded with interest. When I added "softer" comments such as about my desire to be a nurturing mother with examples of how my own mother nurtured me, the quality of men improved. I delved deeper and added my desire to help neglected children and my hopes to one day be married. Yep, the men responded in turn.

What did this prove to me? It proved a couple things. Being "you" means revealing "you". My inner desires, sewn tightly to my heart, are the key to finding a great man.  May we all grow into the men and women Christ desires us to be.

The Outcome of Reduced Facebook & Email Time

So last week I proposed a self imposed challenge. For one week I was going to log into Facebook and my email account only 2 times a day. I logged in once in the morning and once in the evening. On several days, extenuating circumstances made it necessary to login a few more times but for the most part, I kept the rule. The results? Fascinating. The first several days were torment. I liken it to going "breadless" for 2 weeks while starting the South Beach diet. Just like the South Beach diet, the pain meant a definite gain. By day 3 I was feeling peaceful, less agitated and more in control of my hectic electronic life.

It's the end of the challenge and I must admit, this exercise has proved that technology has the benefits of being a glass half full or a glass half empty. I no longer frantically login to see "what's going on" and have more self control over my thoughts and actions. Try the challenge. You might feel as free as I do!

My 7 Day Email & Facebook Challenge

I discovered in prayer that my desire for love and friendship is causing me to be distracted. I asked the Lord this morning, how to die to all this. I want to get married; or at least move out; or at least not to want either thing. A thought came to me; and whether it's from God, I can't be sure. Could it be the desire isn't the problem, the distraction is? My desire for companionship, love and independence has created an endless urge to check my email, my text messages and my online dating account. Sometimes I've found myself checking them every 15 minutes. I leave my email and facebook account open while I'm working so I can feel "connected". Instead of feeling connected, I lose my focus and get depressed. The cause of the depression? My friends have momentarily stopped texting, my emails are all spam and the three gentlemen I was corresponding with have poofed before a date was even suggested.

Ok, I just reviewed what I wrote previously. I don't see the connection between desire and distraction but I'm going to experiment. Here's my 7 day self imposed challenge for the next week:

1. Personal Email:  Login to  email account 2x a day. Once in the morning and once at night. Respond only in the evening to messages. Otherwise, emailed account remains closed.

2. Facebook: Check Facebook statuses & event updates once per day in the evening.

3. Add Productivity: Finish all household chores, organize all that needs to be organized & close the loop on what needs closing. In essence, replace perusing the internet with housework.

I'm curious to see if my personal challenge will help me feel better about my lack of dating life, my social situation etc. Stay tuned as I write about my experiences. 

The Desires of Sin - How to Die To Them

In keeping with the thorn, I have this desire that likes to crop up in my life. It's actually a strand of desires that while they aren't sin, they can quickly become the focus of many thoughts and use up quite a lot of time throughout the day. When does a desire become a sin? I believe a desire becomes a sin when it becomes exactly that. James 1:14-15 tells us that "but each man is tempted, when he is drawn away by his own lust, and enticed. Then the lust, when it hath conceived, beareth sin: and the sin, when it is full grown, bringeth forth death." We must daily ask the Lord to deliver us from temptation which is exactly what Jesus asked us to do when he modeled a prayer for his disciples. The question I posed the Lord this morning is, are there any steps I can take to put these desires in their proper place?

We are to be united with Jesus is in His death. How do we do that? We do that by dying to ourselves. That means not only dying to the sin in our lives but dying to everything. It's not that who we are and what are no longer exist, it's that the Lord must make whatever we are completely new. We must be born again. The work doesn't end when we accept the Lord and are born again. We must then get to know the Lord (Col 3.10) by the reading of His word. The word will renew us our minds and make us knowledgeable of God's expectations for his followers. See Col 3:1-8.

Once we know how God wants us to live, we begin to ask the Lord to show us the areas of our life that is in sin and we begin to obey. The Lord tells us that he prefers obedience to the confession of our sins. We're called to keep ourselves from idols. Sometimes we don't know what those idols are but as the Lord reveals them to us we must purge them out. The purging starts with our thoughts. We must test every thought and make it subject to the Lord. This happens by prayer. See 1 John 4:1 and 2 Cor 10:5.

Once we know a thought is not of God, we must stop thinking it! The best way to do that is to think about other things. See Phil 4 on what we ought to be thinking about. If we are tempted to sin, we need to flee the situation like Joseph did when Potipher's wife approached him. We must also be sure that we are doing the work God has asked us to do. This isn't always preaching the gospel outside the home. It's sometimes about doing the laundry, paying the bills, organizing our linen closet and submitting to whom God has put over us. See Titus 2 and 1 Cor 15:58.

Dear believer, trust the Lord. Obey Him in all You know is right. Trust Him with all the outcomes and you will be surprised at the peace you receive and the blessings God gives. He never, ever forgets us.

The Power of Christ

I awakened at 5 a.m. with a burden I never seem quite able to shake. Perhaps I can liken it to the thorn that was given to Paul in 2 Cor 12. He asked the Lord three times to remove the thorn and it was not removed. An answer was given though. The Lord told him "My grace is sufficient for thee: for my power is made perfect in weakness". We often cannot remove the "thorns" in our lives. In Paul's case it was something that vexed him so that he wouldn't become too prideful. I can't explain what the case is in my situation but I can say that the answer is always given. The Lord's grace is over our weaknesses. Through Him we are given the power to overcome our burdens and weaknesses. In fact, we can glory in them because God's power is much greater than anything we can experience on earth! The Lord prefers to release His power when we are at our weakest state. So being weak is actually to our benefit. 2 Cor 4:7 tells us that we have this treasure in earthen vessels so that the excellency of the power of Christ might be revealed. It's through our weak human strength that God's power is best revealed. May we pray that His power be made manifest in our weaknesses.

The All Compelling Love of Christ

My meditation on 1 John 4.

To love the Lord means you must first hear the voice of God calling your life. You must confess that Jesus Christ has come to earth in the flesh and has died for you and you must then, follow the example of Jesus and deny yourself, take up your cross and follow Him. Following Jesus means that you're going to be obedient to His will and not your own. You're going to be conformed to His image and not the popular image of the culture you find yourself in. It means being transformed by believing in Jesus’ death and resurrection. It's in the resurrection that we are transformed. The transformation is that we are now hid in Christ. Our life is hidden in Him but His character in us is not. We begin to decrease to self and increase to righteousness.

To love God means we have the realization that God has built everything, not with His own hands as we build houses and cars; by the word of His mouth. He spoke and the earth appeared out of nothing. Out of a void, dark and desolate place, removed from heaven, the earth was made. In summary, the elements that God made came together by His sheer will. God's word is therefore extremely powerful.

To love God means that we not only understand that everything exists because of Him but also it exists through Him. We live because He allows us to live. We die when He decides. The love of God is spiritually felt. The reality of Christ's death exists and from the act of His death we see the love He has for us. We learn to experience that love everyday through seeking Him in fervent prayer, through reading His word and obeying Him in all the ways we know we ought to. Eventually we begin walking and talking with Him.

Christ's love is not earned and we can never be good enough for it. Yet we love Him because He first loved us. We love Him because nothing can separate us from Him. We love Him because in Him are pleasures forevermore. Ultimately we love Him because He is the only One we can just receive love from. He does not require what mankind requires for love. We can simply feel His love and then reflect it on others. What a joy to feel loved and have to do nothing about it!

Encouragement For The Unmarried Christian

I'm clearly not living the life that I planned to live. As I talk to more women, I learn that a lot of us aren't on the life track we thought we'd be on. It's not that we don't eventually arrive at our desired destination; rather the path taken to get there wasn't anticipated. My goal in writing this post is to offer the unmarried person some godly perspective.

I know how hard it is to be single because I'm single. I've had bushels of boyfriends and first dates and what remains are some pleasant memories of the good times and some cringe worthy moments of the bad. I lost my mother and pleaded with God to send me a physical being to comfort me. He decided to answer "No, for now." I embarked on a five year journey that encompassed reading dating self help books, joining multiple dating websites and researching various personal improvement topics. I delved into my faith with gusto and began to pray earnestly. At first the prayer was for a mate, then for friends, and then I started praying for a mate again; finally it was for "they will be done". Learning to pray "thy will be done" has been life altering. With that statement comes a peace that lingers long after the prayer has been said.

Has the pain gone away when I find out a friend is pregnant or another is engaged? Have I stopped asking myself when it will be my turn? It hasn't stopped. I'm coming to learn that we all have feelings and we can't help how we feel and we really can't control our reaction. Our feelings will control how we react.

It seems hopeless right? I have days when I think it is. Then I remember the things I've learned. The sweet things and memories of a beautiful life come back to me. If I could, I'd ask you to close your eyes and visualize my life.

I grew up safe and protected. My mother infused in me her love and Christ's. I felt loved at the molecular level. My childhood was poignant and innocent. My mother strived to captivate my imagination and carry me off to endless possibilities as we played. I smiled as I wrote that.

My career started off a jumbled mess and I hated every minute of the first 5 years of it! I dispaired of work and wanted, more desperately than before, to find a spouse and have my babies. That didn't happen! What happened is even more incredible. During my paralegal studies I was given a list of legal recruiters. I scanned the list and promptly discarded it. I had, had some bad experiences with recruiters in the past and had vowed never to use them again. I applied for a legal position in the newspaper and discovered it was from a recruiter listed on that list. I almost didn't take the interview but figured if the school recommended the agency than it was worth taking a chance and wasting some time off. Accepting that interview was life changing! It put me face to face with a very talented woman who had an eye for recognizing talent. She immediately promised she'd find me a job and she did! Within weeks I had 3 interviews and successfully was made 2 offers. One of them is where I'm working now. I interviewed for a legal secretary position but was offered something in HR instead. This job has changed my life! It's here that I've learned to grow, accept positive and negative feedback and rely on my own talent to get me through. I'm blessed by God to be where I am.

What I'm trying to say is that the scripture that says all things work together for the good is quite true. They not only work together for the good but what is prepared by God ends up being the perfect match for what we desire and need. That type of genius orchestration can take years of a master chess player (God), moving pieces around before something amazing comes into play. Nevertheless, God has had plans for you and me since before we were born. We must never doubt Providence. It all works out and it works out so brilliantly. Think of the story of Joseph. One of my favorite scriptures is when Joseph says "What was meant for evil, God meant for good." So true! This is the same for your life, dear reader. The Lord is never late. Trust Him to accomplish what you ask and in the interim focus on bearing fruit for Him and finding your place. Life isn't a dress rehearsal. We all only get to live 1 day at a time.

Additional Resources: Single In Christ: A Name Better Than Sons And Daughters, What I've Learned Since I Kissed Dating Goodbye, All Things For Good, Part 2

Love One Another

Online dating companies, self help authors, life coaches and counselors all have 1 thing in common; they all promise to help us get one step closer to love. I sat in church today meditating on the loss of a fellow parishioner. This person spent his lifetime struggling with a drug addiction. He loved God, loved his mother and loved those in the church. Each person during the eulogy mentioned the same fact, that the deceased loved God and others.

It was then that it hit me. So many of my posts have been bemoaning loneliness, singleness, lack or loss of family. Truth be told, my feelings are pointing to a condition that is hard to erase. I have a gnawing need and an insatiable appetite for love. This need can suffocate others. Don't we all want love though? Millions of people log in to online dating services everyday, songs are written obsessively about it and most float down the church aisle on their wedding day hoping that statement "I do" will help them feel the ever eternal flame of love. What is love though? Shakespeare asked whether it was a fancy or a feeling. Does it satisfy us? The person who went down the aisle saying I do, later on says, emphatically, I don't! No wonder so many of us have multiple sexual partners, several x-spouses and enough heart break to bury us. We spend a lifetime looking for love in all the wrong places.

Let me return to today's scene at church. I wish I could more adequately describe the feeling I had while there. We were all mourning the loss of this beloved parishioner whose untimely death had shaken our faith. He struggled with drug addiction, never married and felt so alone prior to his death. Where were the positive fruits of his life? Where was God in all of this? The fruit was unrecognizable in his life but completely perceptible in his death. He left us one legacy, his love; that's a great legacy indeed!

The Bible tells us "⁸ Love never fails. But whether there are prophecies, they will fail; whether there are tongues, they will cease; whether there is knowledge, it will vanish away. ⁹ For we know in part and we prophesy in part. ¹⁰ But when that which is perfect has come, then that which is in part will be done away." Lord, we are such imperfect beings. We're born in sin but we can die free from it. Death doesn't touch the saint because we choose to willingly give Jesus our life while we're living. There are parts we may struggle with until our death but all in all, You have loved us and have been in us. Keep us in Your love. Help us not to work too hard at getting temporary love but rather help us to earnestly seek out the eternal, heavenly kind. It is so different and so satisfying! Ensconced in that love is all that we need - the faith, the strength and the love for each other and for You. Increase our faith. We can never love you by ourselves. We love Him because He first loved us.

What path leads us to the most satisfying love of our lives? The Bible tells us "Then He said to them all, “If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow Me." I think love is multidimensional. We're not meant to absorb love and selfishly use it for our own selves. We're meant to absorb Christ's love and diffuse it.  John 13:34-35 tells us that we must love one another. Jesus told his disciples that is how others would recognize the Christian, by their love for one another. To further emphasize the importance of loving on another 1 John 4:7-8 tells us not only to love one another but says "He who does not love does not know God, for God is love."

Lord, teach me not only to pray and read my Bible daily but also to love others. This is something I know I cannot do by myself. This is a love that must be infused in my heart by divine grace. Start the work in me.

When The Prayers Must Cease

There comes that moment in many a saint’s life when you know you must stop praying. You stop praying for the person who’s sick because the Lord has answered the prayer by taking the person to heaven. It’s not that prayers cease, it’s that they change in purpose from the pleading for a person to the pleading for the strength to endure the present pain.


That happened to me five years ago. I spent several painful weeks pleading with God to spare my mother. I knew in my heart that He wasn’t going to. I knew that the thing I dreaded and feared more than anything was going to happen. On that morning of March 16, 2006, I stopped praying for my dearest mom. 24 years of prayers were halted and my heart began begging for relief. It’s natural in times of deep sorrow to look up towards heaven with grief swollen eyes. The heart feels the need for some answers. Some things can never be explained. God never explained to Job the purpose of his loss. He doesn’t always explain the purpose of ours either.

There’s solace in knowing that God knows best, in knowing that we are in need of endurance and in the encouragement not to forsake our hope. There is a promise that runs true. I will never leave you or forsake you.  Dear saint, whatever the trial, the sorrow, the sickness or pain, know that we are Christ’s and our hope is secure in Him. All that is here will not remain but all that is in heaven is established and reserved for us forever.

Shh...It's a Secret, My Dinner Party Tips

What are some fail proof tips to having a great dinner party for friends? Through a bunch of mishaps and various kitchen disasters, I've learned there's a dinner party recipe that's tried and true. Check out these quick tips to get you started.

• If you're on a budget, consider hosting no more than 4-6 people.
• Don't try to make everything from scratch. Make a couple home made items and supplement the rest with something catered or from the grocery store.
• Have a combo of soft drinks and liquor available. Keep these in an easy access location so your guests can help themselves. Don't forget ice! Some people practically breath by ice.
• Consider your guests dietary restrictions. Anyone Jewish (kosher), diabetic or vegetarian?
• If serving cocktails, try to choose several that don't require more than soda water and a liquor. This saves you time and your budget.
• Choose menu options that can be prepped in advance and don't require a watchful eye (think roasts, casseroles etc).
• Prepare dishes you've made before. This avoids embarrassment - trust me!

Of course, have fun and remember the more relaxed you are the more relaxed your guests will be.

In Loving Memory

The torrents of rain have given way to a cool, warm and sunny afternoon. I don't remember what the weather was like five years ago when her life ended but I do remember the scripture that rolled like a movie reel through my head. It was "To console those who mourn in Zion, To give them beauty for ashes, The oil of joy for mourning, The garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; That they may be called trees of righteousness, The planting of the LORD, that He may be glorified." Isaiah 61.3. Through the last five years I've struggled with that scripture and have begged, pleaded and petitioned God for an answer as to how beauty emerges from ashes, how joy can come from the deep mourning and how I'd ever recover from the jet lag of death. The night before she left me, I still can't quite say she died, she told me that whatever happened I would be ok. I didn't believe her at the time but I certainly believe it now. How great is the God we serve and how awesome an experience it has been learning that I can not only survive loneliness but thrive because of it. Through my pain I've watched many rejoice. Through all my fears I've learned I have nothing to fear. I can now relate to Job's words "I have heard of You by the hearing of the ear, But now my eye sees You." Job 42:5

Here's what happened when she first left. The cat box wasn't cleaned for several weeks at a time, the dirty laundry piled up in my bedroom and phone calls were returned weeks later. In the beginning I pleaded with God for a husband; reasoning that I needed someone to take care of me and that everyone is meant to be in a family. Are they? Is family a right of passage? Is having a husband a gift? Is love is a gift? Hard to say and today I don't write about that. Today my dear Savior has called me to forget the past and move forward. I've been learning to pray "thy will be done" and I've been learning to shift my thinking away from the here and now and into the hereafter. God has been very good to me. It was painful to rip the stitching that sewed her heart to mine but the work has been finished. What remains is a heart that's now stitched to Christ. What remains is the memory of all she taught me. What lingers is the image of her (my mother) on her bed at 5:00 a.m. reading the Bible and praying. All the scriptures she taught me plays through my mind as each day unfolds. I awake with the Lord and I go to bed thinking of Him. The nights of reaching across the bed and pleading for another soul are over. Those nights are replaced by a peaceful drifting off to sleep.

I've learned to discipline my thoughts away from sensual things and to place each thought, each action and each desire into the hands of God. Therein is a peace that passes understanding. It's in loving memory that my life is ever grateful for hers. Thank you Lord for giving me such an example. Her godly example rests upon me after her death. She was the epitome of the scripture that says "Her children will rise up and call her blessed." Until we meet again on that beautiful shore -- I shall never forget the gift of her life but how can I; for we are stitched to the same Savior and her prayers are now mine.

A Fatal Flaw - Refusing to Embrace Differences

I'll start with my first thoughts, if only b/c they're so amusing and I love a good story...oh wait, I love telling a good story...or hearing one? Dunno. When you mentioned that you rarely meet anyone who shares, my initial thought was I encounter the opposite, why is that? I keep a box of tissues next to my PC for the passerby who will stop in and just need a good cry! I think I know the intimate details of all my friends. Truth be told, I'd be offended if they didn't share so I'm not complaining! That wasn't a good story though was it? Sorry, I'm definitely in my joking sort of "must have a good time or die" mood. This weekend will prove interesting.

I digress from the religious discussion which at this point is certainly interesting. Perhaps at the heart of it is the fact that I've been down this road many times and even have a miserably failed romantic relationship due to it. So, I must admit that reading your very strong take (it seemed stronger than some), had me questioning middle ground. Here's the thing...religion doesn't always matter when it comes to friendship (my best friend is Hindu -- u could argue it's a religion but pantheism and monotheism aren't the same) but it has mattered a lot in my romances. Since you're not offering romance, it's definitely possible to forge a friendship -- I'm not sure I can guarantee more but then again you're not offering more, how presumptuous of me!

But, let's remove the faith thing for a second though b/c it brought me to an interesting observation about myself. I avoid differences yet I see the need in highlighting the differences and the flaw in my stance to avoid them. There's no argument there.

So to conclude, you've highlighted a prevalent flaw in my character and I'm thankful. No worries, you're the 3^rd person to highlight it so I really need to pay attention. I'll begin fixing it through prayer. While finding the middle ground in the faith issue might prove an insurmountable challenge b/c we're at opposite ends of it, there's middle ground in terms of disposition. Perhaps had you known that I shirk from blunt honesty you could've been honest but more diplomatic? I think I misused the word filter. I didn't mean not to say what you have to say; rather to say it a little more softly b/c I really, really love the God I serve and I might be hurt if someone doesn't love Him the way I do. I get why others don't love Him and accept it but for whatever stupid reason - and it's stupid, it still hurts. Mitigating the damages can be helpful.  And you guessed it, I'd be offended if someone doesn't like my favorite restaurant too! I appreciate diplomacy but tend to shut down with blunt honesty. With bluntness I just can't let the person in and I've tried. I've learned this through the men I've dated. Heck, I've only learned from the men I've dated b/c they're the only ones who've been honest with me! Actually that's not true. My boss is excellent at delivering positive and negative feedback in a form that I can accept. On my end, I have to work on allowing people to be honest and not taking it too personally nor relating it to some other instance that happened. I also need to learn to respect differences.

Of course these conversations have proved enlightening. I've discovered a possibility of why people share with me and also came to understand a scripture that's been mysterious for several years now. Thanks! So, when all is said and done, I welcome your thoughts & will try my best not to be overly sensitive about them. I'm happy to discuss my faith, I just hesitate to argue over it, if that makes sense. But then again, I hate to debate anything. But perhaps knowing my flaw, you understand a little more as to why? But the discovery of why people tell me so much and this scripture is fascinating. Thanks again!

Childish Dreams or God's Will?

A co-worker said something to me that really shed some light on a struggle I've been having. I was telling her of my disappointment in not getting a manager title nor a raise for my title change. I need the money and desire to move out. She said, "From getting to know you, have you ever thought that perhaps you're not getting what you want because you really don't want it?" I asked what she meant and she said, "It seems your heart is more towards finding a husband, having children and making a difference in the lives of those you meet. While you love your job, perhaps you secretly love something else more?". There's more to the convo but I'll stop there so as not to bore you, you precious reader!

Perhaps God's plan and what's secretly in my heart is a shade different - hence it hasn't worked out? Heck, it might even be better!  I'm finding that sometimes childish dreams stubbornly remain and maybe it's because they aren't dreams...could they be God's will from day 1?

When Children Feel Hopeless

Dear Friend,

I was so grieved the other day by what you were telling me about your daughter’s feelings and your son I thought I’d write.

I sympathize with your children and found myself in that very position frequently during my childhood. To be raised by a father who withholds love is a very painful experience and a very difficult one to bear for the young. I often wondered how I’d survive it. My mother tried to protect me but I ended up feeling her pain as well as my own.

As I matured my mother passed away and left me in the position to face my father alone and also face all the feelings of rejection that had built up. I stand today in the same circumstance but with a very different attitude. On my behalf, perhaps your children can learn what God taught me.

He taught me that “When my father and mother forsake me, but the Lord will take me up.”Ps. 27:10. And take me up He has! He brought a grief counselor into my life for free when I needed her, the generous friendship of my mother’s best friend who I call every day on the way to work, a co-worker who has borne my tears and grief with me and male friends who have proven that some men do exist to care for another and to love in ways my father hasn’t. He’s given me the wisdom to turn down dates that weren’t right for me and even to select a job that would support my current emotional state. Nevertheless, at this time your children aren’t alone and they are loved – by you. While their father may have forsaken them, their mother has not and will not. There are people in this world that grow up with no one to love them. Had a colleague not adopted her child from the orphanage, he’d have grown up with less love or none at all. We can be thankful for at least a mother who truly loves and I know you really love your children. Yes, you have to work and you are not always home but in those times of loneliness, your son and daughter can pray to God and ask for peace and comfort through the lonely moments. I promise you it will come!

Most importantly, even when both parents are not present, God is there. The Bible tells us that “For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God has prepared beforehand that we should walk in them.” Eph. 2:10 Our children are not ours but God’s and He has a design for their life. They are here and living because He desires them to. It is not for any of us to decide if life is worth living. Of course it is though! God has great things in store for your children and has a path designed with only them in mind. They are special in His site and beloved. It’s the reason my mother was able to tell me the night before she died that all would be ok for me and whatever happened, I would be ok. She was right! God has a plan for my life, a plan for yours and definitely one for your children. “Sorrow may endure for a night but joy comes in the morning.” Ps. 30:5 It truly does because I’ve watched so many I know triumph through horrible times. God has good works prepared; they simply take time to unfold.

I hope what I’ve written isn’t offensive. I just know how that feels and sympathize with a child that feels lost and insignificant in a very impersonal world.

Grant me faith to hope when I can't see

For we walk by faith, not by sight. 2 Cor. 5:7

But that's not all! We gladly suffer, because we know that suffering helps us to endure. ⁴And endurance builds character, which gives us a hope ⁵that will never disappoint us. All of this happens because God has given us the Holy Spirit, who fills our hearts with his love.

Lord Jesus, as I lay my head upon my pillow and say the last words of my prayer, grant me your love. Help me to love you enough to not require to "see" the future. The future is yours. My life is yours. This trial is one that's teaching me how to be abased. Perhaps it's through our need that we learn what it is to be full in Christ and to be thankful for His provision.  It's through tribulation that we learn that the Lord never dissapoints us - He always comes through.

Trusting God for the Spiritual and the Physical

2011 was heralded in with a canon of loneliness shooting holes into my armor of faith. The darkness felt dense. I'm learning two important lessons as I begin the year. The first is to trust God for the strength for each day and the second is to make my requests known to God.

With respect to the first point, I'm learning not to allow worry to creep in and plague my soul but rather to trust God. As children of God we live in the light and walk in the blessings of God. As we walk in the day and in the light of God's blessings, He will give us the strength to face each day. We can't worry about the next day or the next month. Sufficient for the day is the evil thereof. My mother always told me to stop fretting over "the what ifs" because they might never happen. I've found myself worrying about what it will be like to live in this house forever, to never get married or have children. Those are all worse case scenarios and likely won't happen. Why? They won't happen because Jesus promises to give us what we ask when we're in His will. This goes into the second point; to make my requests made known to God.

I recognize that there's a fine line here. I avoid the faith message and the notion that God is here to bless us and because of that always hesitate to ask God to bless me but the truth is; as I step into 2011, I really need His blessings. I need His strength to face the loneliness that's engulfing me and the courage to say no to the temptation to do sinful activities just to fill the loneliness. I need His mercy to find me new spiritually strong friends and a husband that fears God. I can't get any of these things without Him.  When I seek Jesus first, meaning (1) pray to get His guidance and (2) desire His will in our lives, why wouldn't He grant me the consolation of a godly man and children in my future?

Here's my back-up reading on this...
Thy shoes shall be iron and brass; and as thy days, so shall thy strength be.

(For after all these things do the Gentiles seek.) For your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things. But seek ye first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you.

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear, because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.

And this is the confidence that we have in Him: that if we ask anything according to His will, He heareth us. And if we know that He hear us, whatsoever we ask, we know that we have the petitions that we desired of Him.

Trust in the LORD and do good; so shalt thou dwell in the land, and verily thou shalt be fed. Delight thyself also in the LORD, and He shall give thee the desires of thine heart. Commit thy way unto the LORD; trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass.

Fret not about anything, but in everything, by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

Now unto Him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us,


The question remains, how do we know we're asking in the will of God? We do this by asking God to examine our hearts, test us for any presumptuous sins and give us the wisdom. God will reveal to us, while we're seeking Him if what we're asking for is out of line. If we're asking for something spiritual, then more than likely it will be granted. Nevertheless, this quote from Charles Spurgeon's sermon titled "As They Days, So Shall They Strength Be" is telling. He says:

"Once more, it does not say, our strength shall be as our fears. God often leaves us to shift alone with our fears,—never with our troubles...I have known an old lady sit and fret because she believed she should die in a workhouse and she wanted God to give her grace accordingly; but what would have been the good of that? because the Lord meant that she should die in her own quiet bedroom?...your day shall never be more troublesome, or more full of temptation, than your strength shall be full of deliverance." See: http://www.spurgeon.org/sermons/0210.htm

So dear Saint, I quiver a bit in saying that this year I'm going to trust God not merely for the spiritual strength but also for the physical comfort I long for. I long for a place to call home but recognize I'm just a pilgrim and therefore don't desire a mansion but will be satisfied with a cottage. I long for a husband to love and children to tend. Perhaps it's not in His will for me to ask but I'm learning that sometimes in order to receive, we must ask. Forgive me dear Jesus if I'm wrong and correct me speadily.

Making Difficult Decisions

When making tough decisions, these are some comforting words for me.

"He Who hath led will lead

All through the wilderness,

He Who hath fed will surely feed ...

He Who hath heard thy cry

Will never close His ear,

He Who hath marked thy faintest sigh

Will not forget thy tear.

He loveth always, faileth never,

So rest on Him today .... for ever."

These words were penned by Mrs. Carmichael to her daughter, Amy Carmichael. Amy was, at the time, testing her desire to be a missionary. She left later that year for Japan and became the woman who rescued temple children from a life of prostitution in India.

Another favorite is Ps. 143.10 "You are my God. Show me what you want me to do, and let your gentle Spirit lead me in the right path."

God never fails to lead us when we prayerfully consider the path we take. You won't make a mistake. Just remember that wherever you are and wherever you go, Jesus is with you. We need nothing else! Ponder each step in prayer as you make it and don't take another step until God's peace is in your heart. The peace means you're in the will of God.

My Plans Are Thine

"We make our own plans, but the LORD decides where we will go." Prov. 16:9

How do you make plans for the future? You must wean yourself from the world's wisdom and always seek the will of God. A servant has no plans except that which the Master has ordained. His plans will always be made known to you in the form of His word (the Bible), solid preaching and godly counsel. 

Trust the Lord and do good. Settle it within yourself that God is overall. Take one step and ask God to illuminate the next. No need to fret. With God for us who can be against us? Have faith, dear child. Your only plan ought to be - Lord, here I am, send me.

What are you willing to lose when you stop planning? Your reputation perhaps. Can you sell all for the gospel? Can you live without material comfort? Life is more than food and the body more than clothes. Put Jesus first and you will have no regrets. Planning is unnecessary.