When Facing Fear Run Towards It Instead of Away From It

Last year I began to wonder why my life had taken the turn it had. I started to doubt my decisions not to marry my college boyfriend or take that job in another state. My mother described me as restless but for the longest time I flatly denied it. I was convinced that what I wanted most was a husband and children. Problem is neither were in sight. Yet, I'm a firm believer that God works all things for good even when they don't appear to be even close to good. Here's the proof...

At 24 I met an extraordinary man. However, since he didn't match my suitable husband requirements, I quickly decided he'd be a fling. In fact, I told him I wasn't looking for marriage and just a good time. The not looking for marriage was me being nice to him...I didn't want to tell him that his infidel status was a turnoff to me. Quickly, and for the first time, I found myself falling in love, out of love and learning what it felt like to want to kill someone one minute and love them the next. It was he who allowed me to be my true self. He allowed me to live out my travel dreams, articulate my dislikes and even question my deep rooted faith. I've never fought with someone so much in my life. Our values were direct opposites. Of course, that fling turned into a 3 year relationship and now a best friend.

With the dark introvert, I found myself covering a lot of ground - literally. Traveling with the introvert meant never taking a taxi, overcoming the fear of trying something new and ending each night w/a drink. We were lowered into cenotes (underground caves), ate at dive restaurants (honestly I though food poisoning was inevitable) and did everything spur of the moment (a definite challenge for a planner like me). I quickly learned to overcome my fear for germs and eat from various lunch carts in other counties (he insisted we must live like the natives). He taught me getting lost was just part of the adventure. When we broke up I was initially devastated. I felt I was losing my best friend as well as a little bit of my dreams. Even now he reminds me that I really don't need anyone's help. I can and should do it alone. For the longest time I thought marriage and children would make me happiest. I had an image of aloneness that scared me speechless. It wasn't until I went to events alone, dined alone and struck up conversations everywhere that I've come to heartily agree with him.

I've found that we're never really alone, just surrounded by strangers. The opportunity to make a stranger a friend lies with me. The trick is to have fun everywhere and focus exclusively on the other person. I've come to realize my restless nature is a huge asset. I absolutely must really understand foreign cultures, languages and the people in them. I love to hear the stories and adventures of others.

I now appreciate that God didn't allow my desire to come true b/c there's a part of me that is most satisfied by my own achievements. Some of us really do need to be independent and find our own way alone. Funny thing is - I've been anything but alone in the process! In the end God knew a lot more about what I needed than I did!

Small Talk Isn't Just for Introverts

My dating life is lagging and to add insult to injury I'm meeting the most socially awkward men. I started to wonder if I myself am socially awkward? As an outgoing person with little fear when it comes to talking, I've learned something. I love to talk about myself and can do so all night. Am I coming off to others as being self-centered when in reality I'm known by my friends as being caring, compassionate and loyal?

On an episode of the Millionaire Matchmaker, a dater exclaimed that he was always attracting very extroverted women which he didn't want. The dater was a bit of a quiet person. Patty's response? If he wanted to attract less outgoing women, he'd have to become more outgoing.

My observation: the dater was more aggresive than he was comfortable with and needed to be more comfortable being aggressive. How does this relate to me? As a talkative person, I attract the socially awkward. At first I thought that meant I should become less talkative. I don't think so. I think I need to fine tune my talking by focusing on the person I'm conversing with. I'm already a socially savvy person. By fine tuning my conversational skills, I'll be able to showcase the best me.  My conversations aren't reflecting that because I fear asking the wrong questions or having an inability to relate to the other person.

That's an easy fix though. I googled a few small talk topics such as: small talk techniques & small talk topics. Then I started practising. I've put together my own learning bullet points below as a quick start guide to gaining confidence on "getting out there" and show casing the real me.

• Small talk is one way of blessing someone by helping them feel more comfortable in a situation

• The goal is to learn about the other person and not to tell the other person about you

• Practice, practice, practice. That means throwing yourself into social situations you normally wouldn't enter

• Use the technique called "A.O.R." - Ask, Observe, Reveal. That means you're asking a question (or using some kind of icebreaker), observing the other person by digesting their response and relating to the other person by revealing something about yourself (e.g. adding to the conversation)

• It's ok to talk about yourself if it's a brief vignette and you're relating to what the other has said

• Do not attempt to hog the conversation

• Never interrupt. If you do so accidently, apologize

• Pay close attention to introductions. Be sure you can pronounce the person's name and use it often throughout the conversation so you remember it

• Ask questions that require follow-up questions

• Only ask non-personal questions that aren't threatening to a new person

• React to what a person says in a manner that's appropriate (if it's a joke, laugh even if it's not funny; if they're revealing something that's supposed to be insightful, respond as though it's been insightful-even if it isn’t). This creates a connection and leaves the person feeling fulfilled

• Skip motives (getting a date, finding a job) and just learn about the other person...enjoy the conversation

• Not every conversation will lead to a friend, contact or networking opportunity and that’s ok. Sometimes the purpose is to bless someone else, sometimes it's a blessing for you and sometimes it's a mutual blessing

• Don't be negative. Keep things light and positive. Your company should be a pleasure

• Make and maintain eye contact throughout the conversation.

• Listen closely for things you have in common. Then use that commonality to ask a follow-up question

• Keep things short and casual. When meeting someone new, understand that certain personal topics are off limits

• Smile constantly, laugh easily and be breezy. You're company should be pleasurable

• Don't reveal things about yourself that would make the other uncomfortable (a recent death, a health problem)

• Know when to end the conversation. Use body language and verbal cues. If the other person isn't contributing to the conversation and is starting to look around the room, it's time to cut it short

• Exit with grace (perhaps leave for the restroom, to refresh your drink, or check your BlackBerry)

• Realize that small talk is a great way of expanding your perspective

I started practicing these tips at recent "friending" event and at an Asian American Networking event (yes, I'm not Asian!) and have had great success. Happy practicing!

The Calling

At the age of 16 I vowed I would make a difference in the lives of children. At the time, I had no idea how to make the vision a reality. Through time my vision began to become my calling. My calling would wax and wane which always confused me. I was discouraged when I didn't see God planting any serving opportunities in my path. By my mid-20s I had nearly given up my calling. Perhaps it was all just a "feeling" and not really backed by God? That is until last year when I was on the brink of singlehood and wondering how to use my free time. I brushed the cobwebs off my calling and one day stumbled across CASA's website; quickly I attended an information session. My heart began to sore when I realized perhaps my calling was about to come true. Could this be what God wanted? To my dismay, I learned some daytime weekday hours were required. Without even speaking to my employer, I decided to archive this volunteer opportunity. I reasoned there was no way my firm would ever give me the time off needed to make volunteering a reality. Besides, working with children this hurt and neglected would surely be difficult.

A year later after another crushing relationship ended, I began to turn my heart to the Lord. It was difficult to realize that He was requiring uttermost obedience to His will. I quickly realized the blessings of my life were being withheld because of my own unwillingness to follow His call and direction.

A most extraordinary thing occurred. Last month our secretarial manager asked me to post an advertisement on our firm's website. It was announcing the arrival of CASA to the firm. CASA would be discussing how employees of the firm could volunteer. It was a blinding statement of my next course. It was a course I wasn't quite up for following.

I began studying for the GMAT. I decided I hated being an assistant, such a demeaning title; I wanted to be an accountant so I could make more money to support myself. I felt I needed to move out of my father's house and become a real grown-up. The thing is, as I began studying I became more and more weighted with my calling. I began to get the feeling and urge from the Holy Spirit that I was to remain at the firm and volunteer. It seemed evident that my finances and desires for freedom should be put in His hands. I was convicted for not trusting Christ to take care of me. Here's what led to the confirmation of all these spiritual feelings (which I avoid trusting in, I don't believe Christianity is the psychic friends network).

CASA's volunteer information session at the firm is in March. I vow to be the first person through the door. I'm leaving the rest of my desires (for my own place, more pay & single friends) to His safe keeping.

On Being Tested & Taking Action Steps

I’m going through a trial and while in this trial, I’ve failed miserably. Temptation and trials are essentially the same thing. Think of the experience as a planet with multiple moons orbiting around the planet. The planet is the trial while the moons are the various temptations that arise out of the trial. In my case, I’m being tried for my fear of aloneness. This fear has caused me to blur my Christian boundaries to a point a point of nonexistence. I’ve become a people pleaser set on befriending everyone, have been abused in the process and have been almost forced to completely shut down.

For example, I recently went on date with a man who called me the following day to say he wasn’t jumping up and down to take me out again but he’d like to still get to know me. My most recent boyfriend (never asked me to be exclusive but told others I was his girlfriend) abandoned me at a hockey game and later told me I was overly dismissive of his needs. The x-boyfriend before then led me to believe we were dating for marriage only to turn around at the 3 year mark to say he never said marriage was in the future and it wasn’t a priority. After using a vacation day to help a friend with her small children, she told me I cared more for others than for her and accused me of being selfish.

Here’s the thing: beware of letting your desire for a thing override your desire to live for Christ and therefore be conformed into a godly person. It’s tempting to adjust our character to get along with others but the result can lead to the detriment of our faith.

For the longest time I wrestled with the idea that God wanted me to be alone, that He wanted me to learn to be content in aloneness. I found this task to be arduous. I’ve yearned to feel complete in just Christ but go nearly insane in the process! How do we learn to be made perfect (conforming absolutely to the description or definition of an ideal type) in our weakness/trial?

The answers come from James Chapter 1.

It’s important to understand that God is trying to teach us patience in order to perfect us (v.3). If you’re wondering why this trial has arisen or why you’re yielding to temptation begin praying and asking God for His wisdom in it. God will show you why you’re being tried and help you discover ways to remain steadfast in it. (v.5-6). There’s a blessing that will come from withstanding this trial/temptation. Realizing a blessing will follow the temptation should give us His joy (v.12). When in the trial and throughout life, be sure to listen attentively to others, contemplate your responses and be slow to get angry. (v.19). Be willing to learn in your trial. By remaining entrenched in God’s word, you’ll be able to receive meekly the lesson God is trying to teach. (v.21). Obedience is the key to being blessed in your trial. (v.24-25). I’ve asked for wisdom in this trial of aloneness. Here’s what God has shown me. I’ve broken out this “wisdom” by categories and have called them action steps.

Dating Action Steps:
• Do not agree to be exclusive with a man for at least 4 months. View this time period as a discovery process where the man is proving to you his value as a suitor.
• Do not lie to yourself. You’re ultimately dating to find a mate not a bunch of male friends. This means the man should be bringing small tokens of romance into the relationship.
• Do not associate with men who take little to no interest in you. He should be asking about your life, your interests and your values. He should be respecting what you like. Dates during this time period should revolve around you and not his desire to find a “buddy” for companionship.
• Do not verbalize these rules to the men you’re dating. Rather live them.
• If you start to see behavior that’s clearly a red flag, address it. If it’s not been modified after addressing it, move on.
• Do not under any circumstances meet a man ½ way. Do not stay overnight at his home. If you find yourself getting close to a bad situation, reschedule even if it’s at the last minute.
• Do not put more effort into getting to know a man than he’s putting into you.
• Do not for any circumstance call a man-ever (at least for the first 4 months).
• If a man isn’t requesting exclusivity by 6 months, assume he’s not interested in that. Even if you like him, get along with him etc. remove yourself. If he likes you enough, he’ll ask why the sudden disinterest.
• Always be willing to date more than one man at a time if the need arises.
• Never be too available, share too much info about your life, your friends etc.
• It’s ok to invite him to meet your friends if it’s casual. You need their input. You want to see this guy in as many circumstances as possible.
• Stick to your guns about your values. I say it again, stick to your guns! You do not and should not expose yourself to anything that makes you uncomfortable.
• It’s ok and perhaps advisable to meet a man initially for fun activities rather than dinner. Dinner when you don’t know someone can be tough.
• Again, you are not dating to meet male friends. You have enough of those in your own circle. You are looking for romance and possibly more.
• While you aren’t expecting to meet your soul mate right away in dating because you believe in seeing where each relationship goes, you aren’t looking for a pal. You aren’t looking to go ½ on the bill. You’re looking for a man who opens doors, pays the bill graciously, plans enjoyable outings and entertains you. If he’s nice but you’re not into him, you’re happy to remain friends. If he’s not nice than forget it.
• Pray for each and every date you’re exposed to. Pray over the responses, the initial asking and for the person. God will give you the wisdom in how to proceed.

Life Action Steps:
• If you don’t like your job, then start studying for the GMAT. Remember that nothing in life comes without hard work and dedication. More money comes from proving you’ve worked hard to get there.
• Say hello and learn the names of everyone you encounter. Don’t be afraid to initiate conversation.
• Introduce yourself to everyone you don’ t know. If you recall meeting someone but don’t know their name, where you met etc. don’t make excuses, simply reintroduce yourself and state that you know them somehow. None of us are infallible.
• Routine, routine, routine. Get into one. Work out regularly. Go to church weekly. Read your Bible daily.
• Return phone calls within the same day or send a text, e-mail etc. stating when. The only time this isn’t appropriate is in dating!
• Always be patient with others. God requires patience.
• Think long and hard before you speak. Weigh your words and their meaning before making a response.

Making Friends Action Steps:
• Don’t go to events that you normally wouldn’t or that compromise your faith. For example, cocktail hours will attract drinkers. Go to activities that won’t cause you to jeopardize your beliefs.
• Be a friend. That means be happy when a friend is happy and sad for them when they’re sad.
• Be willing to listen and don’t offer advice unless it’s solicited.
• Try to get along with everyone.
• A friend should take an interest in your activities and vice versa. You should take care of each other.
• Treat a friend to dinner once in a while.
• Never come to dinner empty handed.
• Always be a blessing to those you encounter.
• Always put your needs last but be sure you’re friends are doing the same.

Misc. Action Steps:
• Accept what you can’t change about yourself and that isn’t a sin. (ex. I’m a foodie to the core, I love counseling people and traveling but while I appreciate nature and love it, I can’t camp or hike for a week straight. I love adventure but my idea of adventure is touring a foreign city, learning of its culture and drinking in the locals.)
• Discipline yourself to make time for you. That means paying moderate attention to your appearance, dress etc.
• Be authentic. It’s ok to state your preferences, just don’t lord them over others.

Obedience to God’s will is initially difficult. Creating a routine and being firm in your beliefs is challenging but not impossible. Put all things before God in pray, then take a leap of faith. You’d be amazed at the outcome!