It seemed the roulette wheel of life had landed on an unlucky number for me. My dream internship at L'Oreal never materialized into my dream career; after college I was forced to humble myself, shoot down my dreams and work as a Legal secretary for 4 years. While everyone was moving out and into their careers and then marrying, I was picking out caskets, visiting a grief counselor and struggling to pull just one stem from satisfaction's bouquet. A dark introvert appeared through a personal ad I responded to and I desperately hoped he was the happiness I longed for. After four years of adventure, I closed the front door of his house one afternoon in mid April 2010 knowing I'd never return; although, I've been tempted to return because he has my favorite skirt either hanging in his closet or crushed into a bag of discarded garments meant for goodwill. Guess I'll never see that skirt again. It really was a favorite too.
Get to the point right? What is the point? Last year a friend asked how I had lived through grief. I chirped matter of fatly, "By learning to accept life isn't a fairy tale". She nodded in full understanding and wanted to know when she'd feel normal after her painful break-up. I remember posing the same question to my grief counselor a few years prior. To which she responded, "You'll never feel like the old 'you' but you will feel better, I promise." How depressing to know the rest of your life isn't a fairy tale but rather a gloomy tale with drops off happiness wetting gloom. I struggled with a scripture that danced through my mind when my mother died. It starts with "You gave me beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning and the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness." I wondered where the joy would come from and most importantly, I desperately wanted to know when it would come. I pictured it coming in the form of a family I desperately longed for.
Come it would! By late March 2010, 4 years after my mother's death, I selected her headstone. It was painful and blissful all in the same moment. I began to study the Bible faithfully 3 times a day and pray for the courage to cut the ties with the dark introvert. I didn't know how that would be possible. He was the person who had held me when I awakened night after night with night sweats and night terrors of my mother. It was with he flew to Europe with me, my first European trip, and it was with him that I pictured a future. He seemed to be the promise of a bright future. But he didn't want to get married and he didn't love Jesus. By mid-April 2010 I made my decision to leave once and for all. It's a decision I haven't regretted.
I promptly bought a calendar to cross out each day I didn't speak with him and began reading the Bible even more intently. I sought out Bible studies, drastically cut my alcohol intake and began slashing friends off my list that weren't supportive of my faith. It was more painful than surgery. Spring has turned to Summer and there isn't a boyfriend or a date to any weddings. I started to pray that I would want Jesus and nothing else, then the transformation happened. One day in June, I received my bouquet of satisfaction. It wasn't in the form of a boyfriend, a family etc. It was Jesus Himself. There He stood, solitary, lonely and ready to help. All those pains from childhood, scars from prior relationships and wishful thinking of what could've been started healing. I began to see that my old impression of God wanting to make an example out of my loneliness was out of God's character. The Bible became a grand romance, a perfect Being and a plethora of promises. Peace is to ruling where anxiety reigned, joy shines where tears stained and my heart beats steadfastly.
The words to this hymn are true "whatever my lot thou hast taught me to say it is well, it is well with my soul" Lord help me to learn to be content in whatever state I am in.
