I once again sat on the edge of her bed. Perched against the foot of it's wooden frame my eyes gazed down at the floor. She sat, completely complacent, reading her Bible which was her nightly ritual until the evening she closed it for the last time. I had just been given the worst news of my life. The conversation went like this...
The phone rang at 2:30 p.m. on a Friday afternoon. I had been to an infertility specialist named Dr. Aranow who was renowned at treating the variety of disorders women find themselves facing. Mine was one of great distress to me. I had a period that just wouldn't stop and acne that never disappeared. There seemed no end in site.
"May I speak to Tess?" the voice on the other end asked with calm, blandness.
"That's me" I responded with fluttering heart and quickly dampening palms. I took a seat next to the telephone that resided in our entryway between the kitchen and our spacious living room.
"I have your test results. It's as I suspected. You have a hormonal disfunction called polycystic ovaries. It's caused by an excess of male hormones. It isn't life threatening...are you still there?" she asked in the same monotone voice. It was as though she was reading off a news reel.
"I am". I responded quietly while gripping the edge of my seat. My mother came out from the kitchen and stood in front of me.
"This isn't a life threatening disorder, rather something that is treatable with birthcontrol pills and regular trips to the dermatologist. When you decide to get pregnant, you may need to seek help, as it is a leading cause of infertility in women." she stated easily.
"I've been on birth control pills for a number of years now and had hoped to go off them. Are you saying that isn't possible?" I asked hopelessly.
"Well...there really isn't another option at this time. But you're young and there's new research and discoveries made about this disorder everyday. I'd like you to schedule a follow-up appointment for six months from now. We can discuss your progress. If you give me your drug store information, I'll phone in a prescription for the birth control I recommend for someone with your condition."
We hung up shortly after that. That evening there I was, perched at the edge of my bed.
"Mom, it's as though all my dreams have crashed to the floor like a melange of fine china. My dreams are scattered into a thousand pieces now." I stated wearily.
She pursed her lips and looked compassionately at me.
"I know how you feel Tessa. After I lost your brother it took me three years to conceive. Meanwhile all my friends were getting pregnant. Your Uncle Tim joked that if he looked at your Aunt Kim she'd get pregnant. She conceived your cousins so easily".
"How do I tell someone I can't get pregnant?" I responded in sadness. I was distracted by my own loss and was hardly focused on hers.
"Tessa, you can't worry about all the 'what ifs in life' you'll find that the 'what ifs rarely or never happen'. We must trust God with the desires of our heart and rely on His will for the outcome."
"It's just so dissapointing" I stated flatly and with a hint of anger.
"But you don't know if you can't get pregnant. It's a doctor's opinion and she wasn't taking into account all that God can do. In truth, I thought I'd never have you and then it happened. One morning I was taking my temperature and it was high. It stayed that way for several days. I couldn't believe it! I had given up hope that it would happen. When I told a friend I was pregnant she said, 'when God says yes, He says it in capital letters'. I agree with that. God can do all things Tessa. You just need to trust Him with the outcome."
****
In truth it would be another 12 years of suffering through birth control pill induced migraines, depression battles from birth control pills and intermittent bleeding when I stopped the medication. I began to give up hope. At 24 my mother passed away and with her my hopes for a family and a future. But she was right. God works in the most mysterious of ways and sends us the answer when we least expect it. Here I am today, on no birth control pills, with clear skin, no depression and a future that probably will include natural conception. I've ovulated since February and feel great! Sometimes trusting God takes years of prayer and quiet waiting but if we rely on Christ we'll see results. And yes, worry about the what ifs is a waste of time. As my dad said recently "I only solve problems when they are problems, not when they might be."
