Only The Lord Can Restore What's Lost

At 8:30 a.m. tomorrow I leave for California. I've managed to shred my personal papers, preclean the house before the cleaning people come on Thursday, pay the June bills that were almost overdo, forward my flight information and pack. As I packed, I fought loneliness. It's not always easy to drive myself to the airport but I'm thankful someone is waiting for me at the other end! That definitely helps a lot. I'll be spending a good 4 days with my friend before heading to San Diego for the weekend to reconnect a bit with my cousins. As usual, I'm off the beaten path and forging another new tributary. I wonder how I'll be with little alone time. Will I crave "me time" or will I be relieved? I've spent the last year completely single and have learned to hate and treasure my time. It's interesting what being alone does. Still, everyday the thought gnaws at me. When will God choose for me not to be so undone? Is there a happy ending for me? As I leave for the airport tomorrow, I'm missing true friends (but I'll be seeing one), a confident and a relationship. I'm missing a lot. Only the Lord can restore what's been lost. It's out of my hands. That's what 2011 is teaching me.

So it is surrender? Or is it...
{but maybe the best any of us can do is not quit, play the hand we've been dealt, and accessorize what we've got.}


-Carrie Bradshaw in Sex & the City

When A Trial Is Over

On Friday night I was seated at Applebees with a group of young women after Jersey Life had concluded. As we began to share our testimonies (life story), I realized that the sorrow and dreadfully horrible experience of my mother's loss had faded. While I still miss my beloved mom and shed a few tears, the shock and deep billowing sorrow has been replaced with a peaceful acceptance. The Lord's promise that He will give us beauty for ashes and the oil of joy for mourning is quite true. Sometimes pain is healed gradually because our human hearts feel it so deeply. But as Corrie ten Boom said, "There is no pit so deep that God’s love is not deeper still" Hallelujah.

Isaiah 61:3

3 To console those who mourn in Zion,
To give them beauty for ashes,
The oil of joy for mourning,
The garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness;
That they may be called trees of righteousness,
The planting of the LORD, that He may be glorified.”

A "Stretched" Week

The breeze is tickling the trees on this sunny, 85 degree day. I've finished my run, consumed my egg white omelet on dry rye toast and am now sipping some decaf coffee while I muse over the week. My week started ordinarily enough. My boss was out on Monday. I headed down 287 for an all you can eat sushi with people I've only met once before. By late Wednesday, I had conducted my first mock interview session (the Chief of HR said I'm a tough interviewer) and I spent Thursday racing through a company sponsored happy hour before jumping on a train the NYC to meet the folks at the NYYRC. My week sounds glamorous right? Read below for the thoughts and truth of the "real" occurrences.

Monday's "Sushi Coma" was tough for me. I became an introverted observer at the table. The group was a lively and entertaining but it was obvious their lifestyle and mine didn't gel. Wednesday's mock interview made me overly sensitive to how insensitive I am of others when I'm nervous. During the session, the Chief of HR said I'm a tough interviewer who threw out curve ball questions. I still haven't asked the Chief of HR how she felt about how I led the session. I haven't asked because I hate to confront my failures and I felt very bad about myself.

Thursday's work sponsored cocktail hour had me feeling uncomfortable. Everyone was years older than me and I didn't know that many people. Still, I met the new Pro Bono coordinator and mingled a bit before heading out.

At NYYRC, the people were dry, bland and unfriendly. I came dressed in a white linen suit, they were in navy blue, black and grey suits. I didn't stand out but I didn't blend either. It was clear that I'm not as conservative as I feel. I thought going to the NYYRC was going to be hook me up with like minded people. Meaning, they're moral, ethical etc. Instead I was confronted with a group of self righteous people declaring they're right and the left is wrong. While I agree, they're right - the sentiment fell flat. I wrote self righteous above because it didn't feel like the sentiment was packed with love and compassion. It had me thinking, so this is how a civil war was started.

Here's the rainbow...Friday found me driving to work down on myself and exhausted. I still had one event left before the weekend. I complained to a coworker that I had no game left and wished I could stay home. Her response, "You better go because tonight could turn out better than you think". She was right! Friday reaffirmed my need for constant Christian fellowship. It reaffirmed that common values doesn't mean we have a spiritual commonality at all.

Here's what this week taught me:

• When we don't have commonality with someone, friendship and having a fun night out may not be possible.
• Sometimes our behavior isn't the best when we're nervous. Focus on the other person/people even more when nervous.
• Don't give up your faith. Hold to it and continue in it always. The rewards far exceed the pain.