The bony hands of loneliness began to clasp around her neck. It had been three days since the dark, elusive lover had attempted any kind of contact. She began to wonder if he would ever fear something was wrong with her. Love began to feel like a 20 ton vice being placed upon her head. It seemed as though everyone and everything was bound to be a dissapointment.
The rain beat steadily upon the window. The spongey, humidity could be cut with a fork. The night was clothed in ebony. She lay shaking upon the bed, tears spilling forth from her eyes. The hands of loneliness had begun the task of slaying her by clasping gnarled hands around her neck. All seemed hopeless. A cyclone of thoughts wrecked havoc through her heart.
It's been three years. I still miss you. You promised that all would be o.k. because I had my father and mother who loved me very much. Now what? You are no longer here and Dad is not exactly father of the year.
She had a boyfriend of three years who rarely called or even wondered how she was. He had recently told her that marriage wasn't a priority. He continued the conversation by saying that, that was what he had always told her. She wondered if that was truthfully the case. She had asked him his intentions many times but each time he had said "I'm not sure if you're the one but I can say I wouldn't be dating you if I didn't see myself marrying you". She had made some whole hearted attempts to get to know other men. There was the attorney at work who conversed with her every few weeks. There was the 25 year old from her paralegal class and several very disappointing dates from various online sites. In fact, one date asked her to come into New York but once there, didn't even pay for her dinner. There was the priest who called every few months or so and seemed to think they were casually dating or were they? She wasn't sure.
The latest round of men were not thrilling either. There was the civil engineer who never asked any questions about her, the investment banker who said he'd leave the city to come to visit her; only he never wrote back and a 25 year old who seemed nice but not old enough for being upgraded to a life partner status.
She began to wonder, has love passed me by? Will I ever be a part of something that feels loving? Will there ever be a day when I can share with and in someone else's dreams? Will I one day hold up the little stick that says "you're pregnant" with some kind of symbol like a plus sign?
She wasn't sure. All her friends were married or engaged. Most were starting families. Ladies much younger were planning their weddings. What was she to do? How was she to cope? Sometimes the only way out is through. It's a saying she had read on a blog several years earlier. The topic discussed was how to overcome a break-up.
When death transports a loved one home and a boyfriend's attention begins to wane, or perhaps it was never there to begin with, there remains only one thing to do. You start to pray. You start to pray for everything and anything you need. You don't stop until you're sure He's heard. You fight him, you gather the army of prayer warriors and you storm the throne until the King has heard. You never give up. You believe with all your might, which might not be much, that "the effective fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much". You lay hold on the promises of God and remind Him of them. You remind yourself of them too. Then you start to plan. You lay out your life before God and you ask Him for mercy. Mercy while you patiently wait for the answer. He always brings it.
Never give up dear Saint. He hasn't lost sight of you. You aren't as far away from Him as you think. Rejoice in the Lord always and again I say rejoice. Don't stop rejoicing just b/c you can't find something to rejoice in. Thank Him for you know He'll do. He will provide, He will not forsake you and He will answer you. You can thank Him for that and start building.
Remember daughter, that Jacob wrestled with God all through the night. At daybreak, God let Him go. He renamed him and gave him something new. When God wants something of you, to make you something, He'll force you to wrestle with Him. There's no other way. He must overcome you. You must give up in yourself and your ability. You must stop believing you can do it. Then you learn the precious lesson of faith and unveil a great mystery: "when I am weak, then You are strong". God cannot work if we will not let Him.
Give up. tell Him you do. Then ask Him what the next step is. Keep praying, keep persisting. I promise you the answer will come. "If anyone lacks wisdom let him ask of God".
