On an episode of the Millionaire Matchmaker, a dater exclaimed that he was always attracting very extroverted women which he didn't want. The dater was a bit of a quiet person. Patty's response? If he wanted to attract less outgoing women, he'd have to become more outgoing.
My observation: the dater was more aggresive than he was comfortable with and needed to be more comfortable being aggressive. How does this relate to me? As a talkative person, I attract the socially awkward. At first I thought that meant I should become less talkative. I don't think so. I think I need to fine tune my talking by focusing on the person I'm conversing with. I'm already a socially savvy person. By fine tuning my conversational skills, I'll be able to showcase the best me. My conversations aren't reflecting that because I fear asking the wrong questions or having an inability to relate to the other person.
That's an easy fix though. I googled a few small talk topics such as: small talk techniques & small talk topics. Then I started practising. I've put together my own learning bullet points below as a quick start guide to gaining confidence on "getting out there" and show casing the real me.
• Small talk is one way of blessing someone by helping them feel more comfortable in a situation
• The goal is to learn about the other person and not to tell the other person about you
• Practice, practice, practice. That means throwing yourself into social situations you normally wouldn't enter
• Use the technique called "A.O.R." - Ask, Observe, Reveal. That means you're asking a question (or using some kind of icebreaker), observing the other person by digesting their response and relating to the other person by revealing something about yourself (e.g. adding to the conversation)
• It's ok to talk about yourself if it's a brief vignette and you're relating to what the other has said
• Do not attempt to hog the conversation
• Never interrupt. If you do so accidently, apologize
• Pay close attention to introductions. Be sure you can pronounce the person's name and use it often throughout the conversation so you remember it
• Ask questions that require follow-up questions
• Only ask non-personal questions that aren't threatening to a new person
• React to what a person says in a manner that's appropriate (if it's a joke, laugh even if it's not funny; if they're revealing something that's supposed to be insightful, respond as though it's been insightful-even if it isn’t). This creates a connection and leaves the person feeling fulfilled
• Skip motives (getting a date, finding a job) and just learn about the other person...enjoy the conversation
• Not every conversation will lead to a friend, contact or networking opportunity and that’s ok. Sometimes the purpose is to bless someone else, sometimes it's a blessing for you and sometimes it's a mutual blessing
• Don't be negative. Keep things light and positive. Your company should be a pleasure
• Make and maintain eye contact throughout the conversation.
• Listen closely for things you have in common. Then use that commonality to ask a follow-up question
• Keep things short and casual. When meeting someone new, understand that certain personal topics are off limits
• Smile constantly, laugh easily and be breezy. You're company should be pleasurable
• Don't reveal things about yourself that would make the other uncomfortable (a recent death, a health problem)
• Know when to end the conversation. Use body language and verbal cues. If the other person isn't contributing to the conversation and is starting to look around the room, it's time to cut it short
• Exit with grace (perhaps leave for the restroom, to refresh your drink, or check your BlackBerry)
• Realize that small talk is a great way of expanding your perspective
I started practicing these tips at recent "friending" event and at an Asian American Networking event (yes, I'm not Asian!) and have had great success. Happy practicing!
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