The year is almost over and I know I wrote a post about some lessons I learned over the year. Here's another. As I face 2011, I can't help be a bit discouraged. The best way to battle discouragement is to take it to Jesus in prayer. During my time of prayer, I was led to a scripture that was featured today on my blog. To paraphrase it said to forget about the past and understand that God is starting something new. That statement excited me because it reminded me that the moment we live through something, it becomes a feature of the past. Only the present stretches before us. We don't even have the future. With each new day, God assigns a new portion of mercy and His love never ends.
I don't know what 2011 holds. My fears and excitement are bundled together. The idea of something new excites me and the thought of my sinful heart frightens me. Lord, help me to trust you patiently, to wait quietly on your wisdom and daily yield every atom of my being to you. Give me control over my feelings and help me to have the victory through Christ Jesus. Praise be to Jesus that He is the same every day!
A miscellaneous commentary on things I'm thinking about. Thinking is what I'm always doing.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Ringing in the New Year
At the stroke of midnight tonight, 2010 will end. Today, I'm busy contemplating the close of 2010 and the start of 2011. Yet as I pen "The End" to 2010, I've learned some thing.
1. Do not search for romantic love. God will bring you love in His perfect timing. In the interim, hide your life in Christ and diligently seek His love and approval.
2. Put the Word of God before you during every encounter whether you're encountering a man or a woman. The word of God is sharper than any two edged sword. A soul's reaction to the Word of God will reveal what type of person they really are. Avoid those who reject the gospel.
3. Be obedient to God in all things.
4. Pray always & give thanks, especially for and about all things.
5. Commit your way to the Lord and trust Him to always lead you.
6. Be mindful that just as we are forgiven, we are required to forgive others - regardless of the magnitude of the wrong.
Dear one, life is not so hard when we are hidden in Christ. Claim the power of Jesus in your life. Take His life and be healed by His abundant life. Following Jesus is easy when we claim the victory through Him. We love Him because he first loved us.
As the hymn goes: "Leaning on the everlasting arms."
1. Do not search for romantic love. God will bring you love in His perfect timing. In the interim, hide your life in Christ and diligently seek His love and approval.
2. Put the Word of God before you during every encounter whether you're encountering a man or a woman. The word of God is sharper than any two edged sword. A soul's reaction to the Word of God will reveal what type of person they really are. Avoid those who reject the gospel.
3. Be obedient to God in all things.
4. Pray always & give thanks, especially for and about all things.
5. Commit your way to the Lord and trust Him to always lead you.
6. Be mindful that just as we are forgiven, we are required to forgive others - regardless of the magnitude of the wrong.
Dear one, life is not so hard when we are hidden in Christ. Claim the power of Jesus in your life. Take His life and be healed by His abundant life. Following Jesus is easy when we claim the victory through Him. We love Him because he first loved us.
As the hymn goes: "Leaning on the everlasting arms."
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Discerning the Will of God
For quite sometime now I've been confused as to when I'm hearing from the Lord and when it's just something I've conjured up in my imagination. Of late, I've been deciding whether I should date someone or not. I was so confused as to what the will of God was. I prayed and prayed but could not discern the voice of the Lord in this instance.
I've learned several points with respect to discerning the voice of the Lord. (1) There are two types of wisdom. The first comes from mankind and is earthly, sensual and demonic. The second comes from God. It is pure, peaceable, gentle, willing to yield, full of mercy and good fruites, without partiality and without hypocricy. In summary of the first point, the wisdom from God should lead us to righteousness. It should encourage us to be godly, to see our wrong in a situation and it will not seek it's own because God's love doesn't. (2) When discerning the will of God pay close attention to your heart. Is it confused, anxious or at peace with the wisdom you have received? There's a difference between confused anxiety and fear. If your mind is racing and the thoughts you are having are contrary to the wisdom you've received then you ought to keep pressing God for clarification or for an answer. Use Phil 4:6-7 as your guide. Ask Him to lead you to a scripture or seek godly counsel in the form of your pastor or spiritual mentor. Fear, on the other hand, arises when God has called us to a situation that we sense could be dangerous or we are inadequate to perform. This type of fear is natural and we need to pray for God's grace and strength. We know that God will give us the strength and it is enough to accomplish the task and that perfect love casts out fear.
So next time you are struggling to decifer the will or voice of God, remember that God's will, will always align with scripture, he will never go back on His word and God's wisdom will be in the best interest of all involved.
I've learned several points with respect to discerning the voice of the Lord. (1) There are two types of wisdom. The first comes from mankind and is earthly, sensual and demonic. The second comes from God. It is pure, peaceable, gentle, willing to yield, full of mercy and good fruites, without partiality and without hypocricy. In summary of the first point, the wisdom from God should lead us to righteousness. It should encourage us to be godly, to see our wrong in a situation and it will not seek it's own because God's love doesn't. (2) When discerning the will of God pay close attention to your heart. Is it confused, anxious or at peace with the wisdom you have received? There's a difference between confused anxiety and fear. If your mind is racing and the thoughts you are having are contrary to the wisdom you've received then you ought to keep pressing God for clarification or for an answer. Use Phil 4:6-7 as your guide. Ask Him to lead you to a scripture or seek godly counsel in the form of your pastor or spiritual mentor. Fear, on the other hand, arises when God has called us to a situation that we sense could be dangerous or we are inadequate to perform. This type of fear is natural and we need to pray for God's grace and strength. We know that God will give us the strength and it is enough to accomplish the task and that perfect love casts out fear.
So next time you are struggling to decifer the will or voice of God, remember that God's will, will always align with scripture, he will never go back on His word and God's wisdom will be in the best interest of all involved.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Trusting Through the Inability to be Courted
It's not been easy to watch all my friends get married, plan vacations and anticipate their futures with someone. The older I get, the more solemnly I yearn for such an experience. A part of me can't imagine standing somewhere, perhaps under the moonlight and having my boyfriend tell me he can't live without me and he must marry me. I can't imagine the courtship or being desired but I can imagine standing over the stove, cooking dinner. I can imagine reading our children a bedtime story, cuddling by a fire with my honey and even cooking Christmas dinner for all of us. I see myself hovering over the pregnancy test waiting for the blue plus sign to materialize and visualize telling him a baby is on its way. Why can't I imagine the courtship? Why can't I imagine meeting him?
My boss wrote me a beautiful note. In it she said I deserved the wonderful Christmas experience I had. Funny thing though, do I think I deserve romantic love? It feels as though no one is ever right for me and I'm waiting for some one who doesn't exist. Yet, he does exist. I think a part of it is allowing myself to wander into love and imagine it. I know God makes all things beautiful in His time. Lord help me to wait on Your Divine timing and to trust each outcome of my life to you.
My boss wrote me a beautiful note. In it she said I deserved the wonderful Christmas experience I had. Funny thing though, do I think I deserve romantic love? It feels as though no one is ever right for me and I'm waiting for some one who doesn't exist. Yet, he does exist. I think a part of it is allowing myself to wander into love and imagine it. I know God makes all things beautiful in His time. Lord help me to wait on Your Divine timing and to trust each outcome of my life to you.
Saturday, December 25, 2010
The darkness shall never overtake take you.
"The light keeps shining in the dark, and darkness has never put it out"
Hallelujah to a great God. A God who decided to manifest Himself physically so that we might know Who created us, so that we might have access to Him, so that we might have victory through Him. The Word is Jesus Christ and Jesus Christ is the manifestation of God in physical form. The Holy Spirit is that same form, only in the spiritual sense. When we accept Jesus into our hearts, we accept the light of Word. That light becomes our life and our life raises us from the dead just as it raised Christ from the dead.
The galaxies are so huge we can't measure them, nor can we see beyond them into space. We can't comprehend anything because we aren't the Creator but when we invite the Word (Jesus) into our life, we can know all things because He knows all things. This perfect love casts out fear. This Word gives us the mind of Christ.
Little one, whatever troubles you, whatever depresses you, whatever you fear - cast it on Him. You serve a God that is bigger than the galaxies, who was able to be born a child, die a man and rise again. Never ever fear the darkness - the darkness cannot and will not overtake the light that is in you. Greater is He that is in you than He that is in the world.
Hallelujah to a great God. A God who decided to manifest Himself physically so that we might know Who created us, so that we might have access to Him, so that we might have victory through Him. The Word is Jesus Christ and Jesus Christ is the manifestation of God in physical form. The Holy Spirit is that same form, only in the spiritual sense. When we accept Jesus into our hearts, we accept the light of Word. That light becomes our life and our life raises us from the dead just as it raised Christ from the dead.
The galaxies are so huge we can't measure them, nor can we see beyond them into space. We can't comprehend anything because we aren't the Creator but when we invite the Word (Jesus) into our life, we can know all things because He knows all things. This perfect love casts out fear. This Word gives us the mind of Christ.
Little one, whatever troubles you, whatever depresses you, whatever you fear - cast it on Him. You serve a God that is bigger than the galaxies, who was able to be born a child, die a man and rise again. Never ever fear the darkness - the darkness cannot and will not overtake the light that is in you. Greater is He that is in you than He that is in the world.
Finding Solace
I'll never forget that Sunday before she left me. I don't remember what the weather was like. I think it was sunny but my heart was clouded by the sensation of fear. My mother had been diagnosed with a brain tumor and my life as I knew it was soon to be forever changed. The idea of losing her was my gravest fear and fear was staring at me. I cried vehement tears and whispered in her doorway that I could never go on without her.
Without taking a moment to think she said, "Whatever happens I know you'll be OK. And remember I love you very much." She's gone now and on the darkest of days I say to myself "You are someone's daughter and you were very loved." But here's an even greater knowledge...
"...the love of God has been shed abroad in our hearts..."
"You have turned for me my mourning into dancing"
When you face mourning or something that shackles you with fear bring it to the Lord and ask for His love. You'll find a solace there.
Without taking a moment to think she said, "Whatever happens I know you'll be OK. And remember I love you very much." She's gone now and on the darkest of days I say to myself "You are someone's daughter and you were very loved." But here's an even greater knowledge...
"...the love of God has been shed abroad in our hearts..."
"You have turned for me my mourning into dancing"
When you face mourning or something that shackles you with fear bring it to the Lord and ask for His love. You'll find a solace there.
The End of Christmas Eve - 2010
It's Christmas morning, technically. As I sat amongst my family members this evening I was blessed with knowing that we were all together but somewhat taken aback by how much has changed. Our family has shrunk and it was obvious to me that a very important person was missing. My mother was missing. I drove over by myself and watched my father kiss his girlfriend and gaze fondly at her throughout the night. I found myself yearning to hold someone's hand or rest my head on someone's shoulder. There wasn't anyone at that moment. In the loneliness of watching a world of couples it's tempting to get depressed. Lord, tonight as I lay my head to sleep, I pray for my husband - my future man. I pray he's out there looking for me, that he's lonely and waiting for someone just like me. I hope he'll know he's found a good thing when he meets me. Perhaps tonight we're both spending Christmas eve alone and feeling a bit undone. Perhaps he's up praying and feels a bit of my tears. Lord, increase my faith as I wait for you and what you have for me. Help me to be obedient to your call. Thank you for your grace. In this moment of feeling a bit undone, a little shaky about the future, please be my comfort. I've lost my mama and tonight I feel the pain stabbing just a bit further into my heart than usual. I feel a little more undone than usual. You are my comfort and my solace.
They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength.
I will never leave you nor forsake you.
No good thing will he withhold...
They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength.
I will never leave you nor forsake you.
No good thing will he withhold...
Friday, December 24, 2010
Does a good Christian Girl Go To A Singles Dance
So last weekend I met an adorable guy, yep another attorney, sigh and we spoke for several hours. I think I looked fabulous, I asked him about himself, made sure to appropriately touch him to show interest etc. He bought me a drink, walked me to my car and right there, kissed me. I was stunned. He never asked for my number which was odd. Now I see he's going to another dance, a dance I'd like to go to. Plus, my other crush is going. The question is, does a nice Christian girl go to a singles dance? It's not a singles dance by the way, it's just a dance. Also, does my friend at work that I flirt with want to be more than friends? We can't date, we're not allowed to. What does a girl do? This is all so confusing.
Is it 2011 yet?
So it's 4:12 p.m. on Christmas eve and a lot has happened as 2010 swerves into 2011. For 1 thing, I'm absolutely boy crazy. I was never boy crazy and now I'm obsessed. So as I near 2011, I've come up with some lists. Thank you blue eyed attorney boy for introducing me to them. I've also shredded some other lists such as: what I'm looking for in a husband (like perfect exists and you marry what you want?), having a fabulous career (I've established the fact that careers flow up and down) and moving out (I wouldn't be able to afford the fabulous leopard stilettos I just purchased).
Anyways, I have to be blunt. As I swing into 2011, I'm a bit lonely for love but not lonely for friends. I'm grateful to God for my family rebuilding itself, my job that pays the bills and my killer body that took some crushing amounts of treadmill time to achieve.I'm lonely for love. I miss being touched, kissing someone, and trying to figure out whether to order chinese or mexican on Friday night.
I hate to repeat this again but jeez, I'm boy crazy and I've NEVER been that in my life, not even in college, not after college, not even at 28. How can a 29 year old girl be so boy crazy and clueless about boys? Also, why is it that every man lately just grabs me and kisses me out of nowhere? Why did that guy kiss me last week but not ask for my number? What's that all about? I've much to figure out in 2011 but I must say, 2010 was a blast!
Anyways, I have to be blunt. As I swing into 2011, I'm a bit lonely for love but not lonely for friends. I'm grateful to God for my family rebuilding itself, my job that pays the bills and my killer body that took some crushing amounts of treadmill time to achieve.I'm lonely for love. I miss being touched, kissing someone, and trying to figure out whether to order chinese or mexican on Friday night.
I hate to repeat this again but jeez, I'm boy crazy and I've NEVER been that in my life, not even in college, not after college, not even at 28. How can a 29 year old girl be so boy crazy and clueless about boys? Also, why is it that every man lately just grabs me and kisses me out of nowhere? Why did that guy kiss me last week but not ask for my number? What's that all about? I've much to figure out in 2011 but I must say, 2010 was a blast!
Saturday, December 11, 2010
From Lonely to perfect peace...heavenly peace
I'm not sure when it all changed but just as a caterpillar spins silk around herself and emerges a while later a butterfly, somewhere between the spring and this early winter, the girl that was spooled in silk emerged a woman. She emerged not just any woman but one who counts her blessings on more than just 10 fingers and thanks God for all she's been given. I've learned that life and everything in it is a God given gift and we can always rejoice in the Lord.
I desired an interesting life and God has granted me it. As I sat last night at Boulevard Bistro in Westfield, encapsulated with 8 newly made friends, I couldn't help but smile inwardly at my great fortune. Every good and perfect gift is from above. Love is a great gift and it comes in many packages. This Christmas my dance card has been filled with family (my biological one), friends (that have always been like family) & most importantly my faith in my heavenly father.
My new year's resolution this year is a simple one...to the love the Lord my God with all my heart, soul & strength. I trust the rest to His ever capable hands. My times are in His hands.
I desired an interesting life and God has granted me it. As I sat last night at Boulevard Bistro in Westfield, encapsulated with 8 newly made friends, I couldn't help but smile inwardly at my great fortune. Every good and perfect gift is from above. Love is a great gift and it comes in many packages. This Christmas my dance card has been filled with family (my biological one), friends (that have always been like family) & most importantly my faith in my heavenly father.
My new year's resolution this year is a simple one...to the love the Lord my God with all my heart, soul & strength. I trust the rest to His ever capable hands. My times are in His hands.
Tuesday, December 07, 2010
A Few Of My Favorite Reads
Throughout the year I troll all over to find the best books, blogs, jewelry designers and magazines. Here's who made my cut for 2010...
DATING
How To Get A Date Worth Keeping
By, Henry Cloud
Great book for anyone needing a push to expand their dating vision. If you're a bit emotionally closed, try Cloud's techniques. Taking some calculated risks will give huge payoffs.
Mars & Venus On A Date
By, John Gray
A dating classic that helps one navigate through the pitfalls of going from dating to relating.
Be Your Own Matchmaker
By, Patti Stranger
Patti gives real advice with a modern edge. This is particularly good for those who need a physical appearance reality check.
The Flirting Bible
By, Fran Greene
Honestly, this book is more about being a real person and learning how to socialize properly than it is about flirting. It'll help transform you into someone able to "work" the room.
BLOGS/ONLINE RESOURCES
Penelope Trunk's Brazen Careerist
Definitely trail blazing, honest and irreverent but with a realistic twist. Her take? Happiness is about more than having a great career.
Evan Mark Katz
A guy's guide to dating men. Solid and brutally honest in his approach.
Peter Bregman for Harvard Business Review
A soft, leadership guide with a touchy feely spin on management. A little "new agey" in spots but useful if you lead with the heart. Leading with the heart is currently trendy in management.
John Maxwell on Leadership
A solid Christian perspective. His books are a must read.
Harvard Business Review
Thought provoking and interesting each month. Read the comments to the online articles. They're almost as good as the post.
Real Simple Magazine
Need to get organized? Start here.
BEAUTY
Making Faces & Face Forward
By, Kevin Aucoin
This is a treasure trove for anyone looking to learn the "art" behind make-up. Fascinating. Kevin Aucoin was a cosmetic genius. His books will prove it over and over again.
In Style Magazine
Trendy fashion advice but with a thread of classic.
Robyn Rhodes (Jewelry)
This California jewelry designer has an abundance of celebrities wearing her wares. Love.Love.Love everything she has. This is modern, carefree jewelry at its best.
Geo Art by Cynthia Gale (Sterling Silver Heirloom Jewelry)
Heirloom quality jewelry inspired by antique pieces & design. NYC native.
DATING
How To Get A Date Worth Keeping
By, Henry Cloud
Great book for anyone needing a push to expand their dating vision. If you're a bit emotionally closed, try Cloud's techniques. Taking some calculated risks will give huge payoffs.
Mars & Venus On A Date
By, John Gray
A dating classic that helps one navigate through the pitfalls of going from dating to relating.
Be Your Own Matchmaker
By, Patti Stranger
Patti gives real advice with a modern edge. This is particularly good for those who need a physical appearance reality check.
The Flirting Bible
By, Fran Greene
Honestly, this book is more about being a real person and learning how to socialize properly than it is about flirting. It'll help transform you into someone able to "work" the room.
BLOGS/ONLINE RESOURCES
Penelope Trunk's Brazen Careerist
Definitely trail blazing, honest and irreverent but with a realistic twist. Her take? Happiness is about more than having a great career.
Evan Mark Katz
A guy's guide to dating men. Solid and brutally honest in his approach.
Peter Bregman for Harvard Business Review
A soft, leadership guide with a touchy feely spin on management. A little "new agey" in spots but useful if you lead with the heart. Leading with the heart is currently trendy in management.
John Maxwell on Leadership
A solid Christian perspective. His books are a must read.
Harvard Business Review
Thought provoking and interesting each month. Read the comments to the online articles. They're almost as good as the post.
Real Simple Magazine
Need to get organized? Start here.
BEAUTY
Making Faces & Face Forward
By, Kevin Aucoin
This is a treasure trove for anyone looking to learn the "art" behind make-up. Fascinating. Kevin Aucoin was a cosmetic genius. His books will prove it over and over again.
In Style Magazine
Trendy fashion advice but with a thread of classic.
Robyn Rhodes (Jewelry)
This California jewelry designer has an abundance of celebrities wearing her wares. Love.Love.Love everything she has. This is modern, carefree jewelry at its best.
Geo Art by Cynthia Gale (Sterling Silver Heirloom Jewelry)
Heirloom quality jewelry inspired by antique pieces & design. NYC native.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Men Nest Too!...?
I sat across a very Irish looking, 30 something man on Friday night. It was our first date. He was lively and full of physical and sexual energy. I, on the other hand, was full of black Friday sales! The pair of misty grey slim cut cords I was eyeing were on sale for 40% off and only 1 pair remained in my size. I seized them, ran to the register and purchased them before meeting my date for dinner. I was still glowing from my post sale conquest.
During dinner my date made a striking comment that started me thinking. Before the big comment let me give you some background info. He started by explaining he owns his own condo and went on to say the previous owner didn't do much for the place. So my date put up molding and just purchased new doors for the entire condo. He was so excited about the door knobs he had just chosen that he whipped out his device to show me the picture of the nobs! I fained being impressed, as a polite lady should always do on a date. It's not that I wasn't impressed, it's just that the process of home improving for a woman usually means new counter tops, drapes and furnishings. For a man it's molding, doors, door nobs and new paint.
My point isn't about what constitutes home improvement, rather the comment that followed his improvements. He said he hoped to meet a nice girl soon, date her for a year, get married and then move into a house. He was improving for resale value. This struck me because it was the first time I realized men nest too. It seems that both men and women begin nesting as a way of preparing one's heart and making space for someone new.
During dinner my date made a striking comment that started me thinking. Before the big comment let me give you some background info. He started by explaining he owns his own condo and went on to say the previous owner didn't do much for the place. So my date put up molding and just purchased new doors for the entire condo. He was so excited about the door knobs he had just chosen that he whipped out his device to show me the picture of the nobs! I fained being impressed, as a polite lady should always do on a date. It's not that I wasn't impressed, it's just that the process of home improving for a woman usually means new counter tops, drapes and furnishings. For a man it's molding, doors, door nobs and new paint.
My point isn't about what constitutes home improvement, rather the comment that followed his improvements. He said he hoped to meet a nice girl soon, date her for a year, get married and then move into a house. He was improving for resale value. This struck me because it was the first time I realized men nest too. It seems that both men and women begin nesting as a way of preparing one's heart and making space for someone new.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
X Marks The Spot - But Does It Ever Go Away?
Recently I began thinking long and hard about love for an X. Here's the one big question - do we ever stop thinking about an X that we really loved?
I've had several happily married friends with happy little broods of their own confide that they think about an X. They've scanned facebook pages, asked mutual friends for information and some have even reconnected, either in person or via email/phone "just to see how things are going". I'm asked time and again -- "why do I still think about him?" These ladies swear they're happy with the man they have.
That's a tough question to answer. Here's my little theory about love; I remind you, it's just a theory and I only have my personal experience to go on. I think love and the memories we've shared with an X last a lifetime. Our experiences with this other person are etched into our memories and when memories pop up, it's only natural to want to reminisce about them with the person we created them with.
You're probably thinking "That's great but what do I do when I'm married and with children but can't stop thinking about an X?" or "What do I do if the man I was with will never marry me and I've found someone else and I love this guy but I still think of someone else?" If you are married or have the true desire to move on, there are only 3 things to do:
1) Understand that love and memories don't die just because the relationship did.
2) Give the desire and the thoughts over to Christ in prayer.
3) Resist and flee from the temptation to contact this person. This means not looking or engaging in activities that establish any kind of connection (this means facebook, blogs, emailing, calling, talking or thinking about the person).
These thoughts are natural but they do point to a discontentment of the heart. However, this discontent will not be solved by returning to an old flame, it will be solved when we learn to be satisfied with Christ alone.
I've had several happily married friends with happy little broods of their own confide that they think about an X. They've scanned facebook pages, asked mutual friends for information and some have even reconnected, either in person or via email/phone "just to see how things are going". I'm asked time and again -- "why do I still think about him?" These ladies swear they're happy with the man they have.
That's a tough question to answer. Here's my little theory about love; I remind you, it's just a theory and I only have my personal experience to go on. I think love and the memories we've shared with an X last a lifetime. Our experiences with this other person are etched into our memories and when memories pop up, it's only natural to want to reminisce about them with the person we created them with.
You're probably thinking "That's great but what do I do when I'm married and with children but can't stop thinking about an X?" or "What do I do if the man I was with will never marry me and I've found someone else and I love this guy but I still think of someone else?" If you are married or have the true desire to move on, there are only 3 things to do:
1) Understand that love and memories don't die just because the relationship did.
2) Give the desire and the thoughts over to Christ in prayer.
3) Resist and flee from the temptation to contact this person. This means not looking or engaging in activities that establish any kind of connection (this means facebook, blogs, emailing, calling, talking or thinking about the person).
These thoughts are natural but they do point to a discontentment of the heart. However, this discontent will not be solved by returning to an old flame, it will be solved when we learn to be satisfied with Christ alone.
Abundant Life
It seems appropriate to write about an abundant life on the eve of Thanksgiving. It's 10:00 p.m. and I'm filled with gratitude. I'm no longer standing in a dessert waiting for the rain, rather I'm in the dessert living next to a well that never runs dry. This was the first holiday where loneliness wasn't grating against my heart. In times past I would yearn for my mother's hand to be in mine, for her companionship and consolation. Tears haven't been shed over loss instead my heart looks gratefully to the heavens and I thank God for the abundance of what He's given me. I'm still single, working the same job and all my friends are married. Externally nothings changed - except one key thing, my heart.
Through fasting, multiple daily Bible readings and much prayer my sorrow has been transformed. Tears have brought compassion, loneliness; solitude, loss; fulfillment. The Lord has been teaching me the key to contentment is in seeking that which is spiritual. The spiritual can never be touched by the evil in this world. Seeking the spiritual has freed me from being a slave to my desires. I never thought that the cutting away of my desires would lead to freedom. This freedom has given me the abundant life I've dreamt for. I hope you ensue godliness with all you have. You will never be disappointed with Christ. never.never.never.
Through fasting, multiple daily Bible readings and much prayer my sorrow has been transformed. Tears have brought compassion, loneliness; solitude, loss; fulfillment. The Lord has been teaching me the key to contentment is in seeking that which is spiritual. The spiritual can never be touched by the evil in this world. Seeking the spiritual has freed me from being a slave to my desires. I never thought that the cutting away of my desires would lead to freedom. This freedom has given me the abundant life I've dreamt for. I hope you ensue godliness with all you have. You will never be disappointed with Christ. never.never.never.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Debunking a myth -- marriage & a baby changes a friendship
I started off the morning with a little bit of dread and a lot of self pity. While I've embraced my single status, a bit of envy always creeps in when I'm heading to meet a married friend. That's what I did this morning. I ventured off into the jungle of New York to meet up with an old friend who had a baby a few months back. I worried I wouldn't be enthusiastic about the baby and that she'd speak of nothing but her precious little one. Having a precious little one seems so far away from where I am. I've feared greatly that life would change once my friends were married and I'd be left in a heap of ashes, alone and terribly bored.
Nothing could be further from the truth. As we headed through the streets of NY, I munched on Waldorf salad at abc kitchen and then had dinner at a pub in Gramercy with her. I thought the birth of her child would create a great divide, that life would be different and that we'd be planets rotating around the same sun but light years apart.
As I walked towards the train and headed back to the burbs of Jerz, I realized something. On the surface our lives appear to be different. She's married with a child and I'm single with a career but in the end we're both looking for the same thing: to be happy with what we have and to let go of what we don't have.
Nothing could be further from the truth. As we headed through the streets of NY, I munched on Waldorf salad at abc kitchen and then had dinner at a pub in Gramercy with her. I thought the birth of her child would create a great divide, that life would be different and that we'd be planets rotating around the same sun but light years apart.
As I walked towards the train and headed back to the burbs of Jerz, I realized something. On the surface our lives appear to be different. She's married with a child and I'm single with a career but in the end we're both looking for the same thing: to be happy with what we have and to let go of what we don't have.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Relating to Conflict
On Tuesday I went to a book signing and conversation with the authors of a recently published book, Your So Called Life, and was relieved to learn many women are facing the same challenges I'm facing as a nearly 30 year old woman. One particular challenge has been enlightening. As I round the 30 year mile marker, I've learned how to respond better to relational conflict. I'm learning that as I grow older I'm becoming more established in my viewpoints. These viewpoints have caused a clash between friends, family and work. I'm learning to accept that conflicts are inevitable in all relationships. Here's a little cheat sheet I do now to guide me through the clashing storms of conflict. It goes like this...
IT STARTED WITH ME
- Lord examine and reveal my heart.
Did I contribute to the situation?
Am I jealous about something?
Why do I feel the way I feel?
Ultimately is it me?
- Sometimes I don't know exactly why I feel the way I do but You do. Help me understand myself.
SOMETHING TRIGGERED IT
- Lord, help me to be patient with this person. Let me not presume I know the heart of another because only you do. Help me gain understanding by seeking Your knowledge.
- What was the context of the conflict?
Where did it occur?
Why did it occur?
What did I say or do?
Could I have said or done something differently?
HOW DO I RESPOND?
- Is this something I should respond to? Is it the right season to respond? Lord, help me know the appropriate time in approaching this.
How well do I know this person?
How well do I know their character?
Is this typical for them?
- Do I know enough about the "clash" or do I need further information? More information is usually best. Help me listen to the other person and not feel the need to defend myself. You are my defense.
- How do I respond to this? Remind me that I must not start or continue an argument. Help me humbly address the situation if that is what's needed.
The theme is consistent. Conflict starts and ends with me. With Christ's help I must ascertain what direction to take the conflict in. God will give discernment and wisdom as to pursuing or not pursuing the issue as well as the strength to forgive.
IT STARTED WITH ME
- Lord examine and reveal my heart.
Did I contribute to the situation?
Am I jealous about something?
Why do I feel the way I feel?
Ultimately is it me?
- Sometimes I don't know exactly why I feel the way I do but You do. Help me understand myself.
SOMETHING TRIGGERED IT
- Lord, help me to be patient with this person. Let me not presume I know the heart of another because only you do. Help me gain understanding by seeking Your knowledge.
- What was the context of the conflict?
Where did it occur?
Why did it occur?
What did I say or do?
Could I have said or done something differently?
HOW DO I RESPOND?
- Is this something I should respond to? Is it the right season to respond? Lord, help me know the appropriate time in approaching this.
How well do I know this person?
How well do I know their character?
Is this typical for them?
- Do I know enough about the "clash" or do I need further information? More information is usually best. Help me listen to the other person and not feel the need to defend myself. You are my defense.
- How do I respond to this? Remind me that I must not start or continue an argument. Help me humbly address the situation if that is what's needed.
The theme is consistent. Conflict starts and ends with me. With Christ's help I must ascertain what direction to take the conflict in. God will give discernment and wisdom as to pursuing or not pursuing the issue as well as the strength to forgive.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
The Girl Date
When I threw out my dating books last month, I also threw out the extreme desire to date. Dating is too exhausting.
Instead, I embraced the idea of making new male and female friends to endure the seemingly endless dating path of singledom that I'm on. I started a dining out group called "Foodventure", began traveling solo and now write about everything. In the process I've collided with lots of people. Here's the funny part, a new phenomenon has emerged in my singledom - the girl date. Before you get any ideas about me having changed teams etc. let me explain. I've found myself recently pursuing and being pursued by other women in search of new gal pals. Essentially this is ocurruing because all their existing pals are otherwise preoccupied with their marriages and children. So while at various social events, we'll meet another interesting girl and then we're forced to either ask for her number, locate her email address or hope to run into her again. In the last couple months, I've found myself sitting across from a few different women having either coffee, brunch or dinner. We've made the typical date conversation such as: "where do you live?" or "what do you do for a living?" and then as the moments materialize we begin wondering if we're meant to be friends. I can't tell you how many times after these "dates" I'm left wondering if I talked too much (I usually always do) or wondering if I asked enough questions about the other person. As the time comes to a close, I drive home wondering when it's appropriate to contact her again and if she wants to be my friend. It's absolutely hilarious because this same introspection occurs in dating, job searching and networking.
This new type of date, the kind where we're auditioning to be friends has quite intrigued me. It's intrigued me because I'm learning that every potential relationship begins with chemistry, then progresses to an audition and eventually leads to both parties exploring the level of connection. Like I stated earlier, this occurs not only in romantic dating but also on job interviews, when meeting new friends and networking. I thought understanding this concept would take the bite out of dating but instead it's revealed a fascinating something. That something is that every relationship develops in the same manner and each new contact holds the promise of something or nothing.
Instead, I embraced the idea of making new male and female friends to endure the seemingly endless dating path of singledom that I'm on. I started a dining out group called "Foodventure", began traveling solo and now write about everything. In the process I've collided with lots of people. Here's the funny part, a new phenomenon has emerged in my singledom - the girl date. Before you get any ideas about me having changed teams etc. let me explain. I've found myself recently pursuing and being pursued by other women in search of new gal pals. Essentially this is ocurruing because all their existing pals are otherwise preoccupied with their marriages and children. So while at various social events, we'll meet another interesting girl and then we're forced to either ask for her number, locate her email address or hope to run into her again. In the last couple months, I've found myself sitting across from a few different women having either coffee, brunch or dinner. We've made the typical date conversation such as: "where do you live?" or "what do you do for a living?" and then as the moments materialize we begin wondering if we're meant to be friends. I can't tell you how many times after these "dates" I'm left wondering if I talked too much (I usually always do) or wondering if I asked enough questions about the other person. As the time comes to a close, I drive home wondering when it's appropriate to contact her again and if she wants to be my friend. It's absolutely hilarious because this same introspection occurs in dating, job searching and networking.
This new type of date, the kind where we're auditioning to be friends has quite intrigued me. It's intrigued me because I'm learning that every potential relationship begins with chemistry, then progresses to an audition and eventually leads to both parties exploring the level of connection. Like I stated earlier, this occurs not only in romantic dating but also on job interviews, when meeting new friends and networking. I thought understanding this concept would take the bite out of dating but instead it's revealed a fascinating something. That something is that every relationship develops in the same manner and each new contact holds the promise of something or nothing.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Is it Talent or Just Hard Work?
While in college, we'd sit on the scratchy common area wing chairs and debate the topic of talent v. practice until the early morning hours. I staunchly believed talent was the determiner of success while many of my most talented musician friends firmly insisted - practice creates talent. My friends have the research to back their hunch while I have none to back mine. Yet if practice creates talent it means a world of limitless possibilities is ahead.
It's long been accepted that Mozart was a musical prodigy. What most don't discuss is how he became one. Mozart began learning music when he 4 years old by his father. His father was not only a famous music teacher but was also a skilled composer who wrote one of the first books of violin instruction.
In 1985 Benjamin Bloom's research, explained in Developing Talent in Young People, corroborates that Mozart wasn't unusually gifted. Bloom's research revealed a direct scientific correlation between a young person's intense practice, coaching, and unwavering support of parents. These three facets comprise the making of an expert. What exactly is an expert?
An expert is:
1) Someone whose performance is consistently superior to that of his peers
2) Results are concrete
3) Results are able to be replicated and measured in a scientific way
It takes approximately 10,000 hours or 10 years to become an expert in something. 2 key facets comprise the making of an expert: (1) deliberate practice and (2) relentless coaching by an expert.
(1) Deliberate Practice
Definition: Considerable, specific and sustained efforts to do something you can't do well or at all.
The point being that you must not only identify your strengths and improve them but you must also pinpoint your weaknesses and work repeatedly through them by concentrated practice. This type of practice requires concentrating and focusing on the goal and should be limited to 2-3 hours a day.
Professor Auer, Nathan Milstein's (famous violinist), instructor said of practice "It really doesn't matter how long. If you practice with your fingers, no amount is enough. If you practice with your head, 2 hours is plenty."
This type of real time practice should be supplemented with simulated exercises which are a solid learning method. Examples of simulation would include: (1) running the marathon course as part of training & (2) case studies. Knowing the terrain, expected outcome etc. trains the mind and body about what to expect.
(2) Deliberate Coaching
Deliberate coaching should be done by an expert who isn't afraid to deliver hurtful yet meaningful feedback. A skilled coach knows when to push his student because his student is ready for the next level. Yet coaching (on the job training) isn't the only mechanism for improving performance.
Benjamin Franklin was his own coach. He performed simulated exercises when desiring to become a better writer. He'd read favorite articles of Spectator and then copy the article from memory in his own words. He'd then compare his writing to the admired writer.
Understanding that experts aren't born but are made is a liberating thought. It means that it isn't luck but the right kind of hard work that creates talent and success. When applied properly, it means you can achieve a lot more dreams than you thought!
Further Reading:
The Making of An Expert
It's long been accepted that Mozart was a musical prodigy. What most don't discuss is how he became one. Mozart began learning music when he 4 years old by his father. His father was not only a famous music teacher but was also a skilled composer who wrote one of the first books of violin instruction.
In 1985 Benjamin Bloom's research, explained in Developing Talent in Young People, corroborates that Mozart wasn't unusually gifted. Bloom's research revealed a direct scientific correlation between a young person's intense practice, coaching, and unwavering support of parents. These three facets comprise the making of an expert. What exactly is an expert?
An expert is:
1) Someone whose performance is consistently superior to that of his peers
2) Results are concrete
3) Results are able to be replicated and measured in a scientific way
It takes approximately 10,000 hours or 10 years to become an expert in something. 2 key facets comprise the making of an expert: (1) deliberate practice and (2) relentless coaching by an expert.
(1) Deliberate Practice
Definition: Considerable, specific and sustained efforts to do something you can't do well or at all.
The point being that you must not only identify your strengths and improve them but you must also pinpoint your weaknesses and work repeatedly through them by concentrated practice. This type of practice requires concentrating and focusing on the goal and should be limited to 2-3 hours a day.
Professor Auer, Nathan Milstein's (famous violinist), instructor said of practice "It really doesn't matter how long. If you practice with your fingers, no amount is enough. If you practice with your head, 2 hours is plenty."
This type of real time practice should be supplemented with simulated exercises which are a solid learning method. Examples of simulation would include: (1) running the marathon course as part of training & (2) case studies. Knowing the terrain, expected outcome etc. trains the mind and body about what to expect.
(2) Deliberate Coaching
Deliberate coaching should be done by an expert who isn't afraid to deliver hurtful yet meaningful feedback. A skilled coach knows when to push his student because his student is ready for the next level. Yet coaching (on the job training) isn't the only mechanism for improving performance.
Benjamin Franklin was his own coach. He performed simulated exercises when desiring to become a better writer. He'd read favorite articles of Spectator and then copy the article from memory in his own words. He'd then compare his writing to the admired writer.
Understanding that experts aren't born but are made is a liberating thought. It means that it isn't luck but the right kind of hard work that creates talent and success. When applied properly, it means you can achieve a lot more dreams than you thought!
Further Reading:
The Making of An Expert
Monday, October 25, 2010
Expect What You Want
I had a follow-up discussion with my boss and her boss about the possibility of a title change. I felt the title change was warranted due to my increase in responsibility over the past several years. Today I received the disheartening news that I'm not going to know if I'm getting a title change until after my 2010 End-Cycle Performance Evaluation which will occur in December after the focal concludes.
The discussion left a distaste in my mouth. It seems that where I work isn't concerned about the rise in my responsibilities. I'm expected to continue working and take on more work without the compensation or change in title. So, it is without adieu that I begin my job search again. I've learned a few things:
1. Nothing's permanent.
2. A good thing can come to an end.
3. When you know what you want take action to get it.
4. If you aren't feeling appreciated, find someone who is appreciative.
5. Never settle for less than what you deserve.
6. Time is money so begin making more as soon as you feel you're able.
7. Don't let one set back prevent you from pursuing your future.
So a chapter is coming to a close. I'm glad I took action. I'm not longer going to waste time hoping people will do what I ask. I'm going to expect what I ask for and move on when I don't get it.
The discussion left a distaste in my mouth. It seems that where I work isn't concerned about the rise in my responsibilities. I'm expected to continue working and take on more work without the compensation or change in title. So, it is without adieu that I begin my job search again. I've learned a few things:
1. Nothing's permanent.
2. A good thing can come to an end.
3. When you know what you want take action to get it.
4. If you aren't feeling appreciated, find someone who is appreciative.
5. Never settle for less than what you deserve.
6. Time is money so begin making more as soon as you feel you're able.
7. Don't let one set back prevent you from pursuing your future.
So a chapter is coming to a close. I'm glad I took action. I'm not longer going to waste time hoping people will do what I ask. I'm going to expect what I ask for and move on when I don't get it.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
What to Fast About
I was recently told an encouraging story about a woman who fasted for a year, not straight through of course but intermittentanly, in order to find a husband. It was a touching story and I figured if I wanted something so badly a little hunger and pleading with the Lord would surely help. I researched the reasons, how to fast and set aside several Saturdays to the task. I was strengthened spiritually and was immediately answered on many of my spiritual musings.
The interesting part was that the closer and closer I came to the Lord's heart, the more and more I realized I shouldn't be fasting for a husband. It's not that a husband is a terrible thing to pray for but it isn't a necessary thing to pray for. Whether I pray for a husband or not, it's a gift from God that He'll surely give in His perfect timing. What I need to fast and pray for is the strength to endure the pain of wanting that man and that child and seeing most of my friends having received both. I need the Lord to grant me the strength to hold onto to my faith when the answer doesn't immediately come. It's not that He hasn't answered because He has answered. It's that the answer hasn't materialized. God is a God of great surprises. His gifts far exceed the keenest of imaginations. He mysteriously takes horrendous circumstances and turns them into something fabulous. He is always glorified. The wait is worth the delightful surprise that the answer brings.
Here are some Biblical examples:
1. Daniel fasted and prayed for 10 days before an angel came. Imagine being so heartbroken you deny yourself food in the hopes God will hear you. It takes Him 10 days to get to you. There's no consolation. But the beauty is in the angel's message. Daniel is told the Lord heard his prayer and sent a messenger immediately but there was a terrible battle in heaven and the angel couldn't deliver the message. Today we have the Holy Spirit so while the answer may not materialize, God's comfort is ever with us.
2. Joseph saw a vision as a teenager that he would be a great man. He was then sold by his own brothers into slavery, then was falsely accused by his master's wife, thrown into prison and finally transported to Egypt. Yet in the end, Joseph's vision was correct. He did become the provision for his family.
Through all these examples the truth is plain to see. We're required to patiently wait for God's answers to materialize. Whether they materialize or they don't, we are still to labor for His kingdom. We must keep our eyes fixed on the heavenly kingdom, work hard here on earth for His glory and leave everything else to our loving Father. We know He loves us because He gave His life for us. He has nothing else He needs to give and yet He continues to give. We're on earth to worship a very powerful and loving God. With every breath we take we need to thank Him for all that He's done. The sun continues to rise, the moon continues to rise, the earth always rotates and so on. It's all in His care. Our hearts are a very small thing for Him to mind and He loves us so much that He takes the time to number our hairs, to think many thoughts about us and to even build us mansions in heaven. Praise God!
The interesting part was that the closer and closer I came to the Lord's heart, the more and more I realized I shouldn't be fasting for a husband. It's not that a husband is a terrible thing to pray for but it isn't a necessary thing to pray for. Whether I pray for a husband or not, it's a gift from God that He'll surely give in His perfect timing. What I need to fast and pray for is the strength to endure the pain of wanting that man and that child and seeing most of my friends having received both. I need the Lord to grant me the strength to hold onto to my faith when the answer doesn't immediately come. It's not that He hasn't answered because He has answered. It's that the answer hasn't materialized. God is a God of great surprises. His gifts far exceed the keenest of imaginations. He mysteriously takes horrendous circumstances and turns them into something fabulous. He is always glorified. The wait is worth the delightful surprise that the answer brings.
Here are some Biblical examples:
1. Daniel fasted and prayed for 10 days before an angel came. Imagine being so heartbroken you deny yourself food in the hopes God will hear you. It takes Him 10 days to get to you. There's no consolation. But the beauty is in the angel's message. Daniel is told the Lord heard his prayer and sent a messenger immediately but there was a terrible battle in heaven and the angel couldn't deliver the message. Today we have the Holy Spirit so while the answer may not materialize, God's comfort is ever with us.
2. Joseph saw a vision as a teenager that he would be a great man. He was then sold by his own brothers into slavery, then was falsely accused by his master's wife, thrown into prison and finally transported to Egypt. Yet in the end, Joseph's vision was correct. He did become the provision for his family.
Through all these examples the truth is plain to see. We're required to patiently wait for God's answers to materialize. Whether they materialize or they don't, we are still to labor for His kingdom. We must keep our eyes fixed on the heavenly kingdom, work hard here on earth for His glory and leave everything else to our loving Father. We know He loves us because He gave His life for us. He has nothing else He needs to give and yet He continues to give. We're on earth to worship a very powerful and loving God. With every breath we take we need to thank Him for all that He's done. The sun continues to rise, the moon continues to rise, the earth always rotates and so on. It's all in His care. Our hearts are a very small thing for Him to mind and He loves us so much that He takes the time to number our hairs, to think many thoughts about us and to even build us mansions in heaven. Praise God!
Giving it all up
I was wondering, as I sat in church this afternoon, if I should continue fasting. The week had been very discouraging and by Saturday I was on my knees pleading with the Lord for many things. I was pleading with Him mainly for certain desires to be fulfilled. I was anxious and feeling very lonely. Anyone who knows me, knows I don't handle loneliness very well.
There I was in the pew praying; praying over the congregation and through my very prayer the Lord was speaking clearly to me. It's important for me to disown myself, including my desires, dreams and everything in between. When Jesus called his disciples they abandoned all that they are and followed Him immediately. Personal abandonment is a daily task.
It is not that the Lord will not answer the desires of our heart. In fact, he bottles our tears and hears all our woes. It's that we are asked first if we love Him and how far we'll go to follow Him. There's only one road that leads to heaven and that path requires a trusting commitment. We must lay aside everything that hinders us (including our desires and dreams) and follow diligently after Him. We must placidly accept our lot and serve others before we serve ourselves. We must tend the heavenly vineyard and commit our soul to Him.
We won't be told what is ahead. It isn't for us to know. It is for us to have the faith in an eternal God that He will bring us through it all and give us all we need along the way. He's working it all out for our eternal good, not just for heaven but also for what's on earth.
Lord, give me strength to set out on Your task. Help me to entrust all else to Your capable hands.
There I was in the pew praying; praying over the congregation and through my very prayer the Lord was speaking clearly to me. It's important for me to disown myself, including my desires, dreams and everything in between. When Jesus called his disciples they abandoned all that they are and followed Him immediately. Personal abandonment is a daily task.
It is not that the Lord will not answer the desires of our heart. In fact, he bottles our tears and hears all our woes. It's that we are asked first if we love Him and how far we'll go to follow Him. There's only one road that leads to heaven and that path requires a trusting commitment. We must lay aside everything that hinders us (including our desires and dreams) and follow diligently after Him. We must placidly accept our lot and serve others before we serve ourselves. We must tend the heavenly vineyard and commit our soul to Him.
We won't be told what is ahead. It isn't for us to know. It is for us to have the faith in an eternal God that He will bring us through it all and give us all we need along the way. He's working it all out for our eternal good, not just for heaven but also for what's on earth.
Lord, give me strength to set out on Your task. Help me to entrust all else to Your capable hands.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
A Realization On Love
What you want at 25 might not be what you want at 30 is what I was thinking the other day. While at New Brunswick's Frog & Peach in September and while in Charleston just last week, I realized something huge. I'm not looking for a GQ man anymore nor do I need someone who sweeps me off my feet and wisks me into a windy mist of romance. I'm looking for a man whose heart is set on Christ, whose looking for the mutual encouragement of a godly woman by his side. I don't need the fancy restaurants, the expensive chocolate or the big diamond ring. I just need the man who lives in Truth.
Lord have mercy on me and find him. I know he's out there looking for me. Please don't delay our love too long. Oh Lord have mercy.
Lord have mercy on me and find him. I know he's out there looking for me. Please don't delay our love too long. Oh Lord have mercy.
The Query of The Heart
As I sit at my computer and begin to type on this lazy Saturday, I can't help but ponder last night's events. Foodventure was once again a success. We met, last minute, at a small local place and got to talking. A friend said something that answered a question I had in my heart as I was driving to meet everyone. The question was: At 29 are all the good men taken and am I not going to find someone because I wasn't fortunate enough to have met him young?
While at dinner my friend said he had dated and dated so many women and had one difficult experience after another. One day he realized he was fine being single and perhaps he shouldn't go so crazy looking for love. Two months later he met the woman he thinks he's going to marry.
Lord have mercy on me. Please just have mercy. Sometimes there's no other prayer to have. Thank you for answering the query of my heart in a very timely way.
While at dinner my friend said he had dated and dated so many women and had one difficult experience after another. One day he realized he was fine being single and perhaps he shouldn't go so crazy looking for love. Two months later he met the woman he thinks he's going to marry.
Lord have mercy on me. Please just have mercy. Sometimes there's no other prayer to have. Thank you for answering the query of my heart in a very timely way.
Monday, October 18, 2010
I woke up one morning to find more than a memory of you
When I close my eyes and feel the beating of my heart beneath my chest I feel you. When did I awaken from the jet lag of death to find myself you? Where did you go and will you ever come back? My heart beckons to hear the sound of your voice, to see your faint smile and feel the warmth that overcame me when I lay against your side.
When I was born, you were there. As I grew up you were always there. Through all the angst ridden teenage years and into my 20s you were there. Where are you? Where'd you go sweet mum? Your spirit was swept up from earth and left at the bosom of Christ. This loneliness crushes against my heart, lodges there and then thunders through my conscienceness. The pangs that only the heart feels and the voice can never sing rest within me.
What happened? I awoke one summer's morning, light flooding my bedroom and realized you had left your heart inside of mine and now I carry you. Everywhere I go are memories of you. Is it heartache, heartbreak or something almost sweet? What's the difference between the deepest of pain and the widest of joy? Are they one and the same?
It makes me think of this i carry your heart with me by Edward Estlin Cummings
I don't know. It just happened. I woke up one morning to find more than a memory of you.
When I was born, you were there. As I grew up you were always there. Through all the angst ridden teenage years and into my 20s you were there. Where are you? Where'd you go sweet mum? Your spirit was swept up from earth and left at the bosom of Christ. This loneliness crushes against my heart, lodges there and then thunders through my conscienceness. The pangs that only the heart feels and the voice can never sing rest within me.
What happened? I awoke one summer's morning, light flooding my bedroom and realized you had left your heart inside of mine and now I carry you. Everywhere I go are memories of you. Is it heartache, heartbreak or something almost sweet? What's the difference between the deepest of pain and the widest of joy? Are they one and the same?
It makes me think of this i carry your heart with me by Edward Estlin Cummings
I don't know. It just happened. I woke up one morning to find more than a memory of you.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
My Solo Travel Tips - Learned & Earned
Dining Out:
Avoid the chef's table. There's a misnomer out that you'll talk to people at the chef's table. I dined 4 nights alone and not one creature said anything even though I initiated conversation. INSTEAD:
Call the restaurant ahead of schedule and let them know what table and where you'd like it. Corner tables aren't given they're requesting so ask for it! If the maitre'd is reluctant go elsewhere. Your happiness is what's important at the end of the evening.
Diversify your daily activities:
I mistakenly planned just a couple of similar activities which is quite boring.
Ask the locals to suggest activities
While in Charleston recently, I sat at a wine bar and asked both the owner and his friend to write down some suggestions. So bring paper with you always as well so you capture the conversation.
Take advantage of mass transit:
If the city has discounted transit, take advantage of it.
The best thing about doing anything alone is you only worry about pleasing yourself. It's a great self discovery tool.
Avoid the chef's table. There's a misnomer out that you'll talk to people at the chef's table. I dined 4 nights alone and not one creature said anything even though I initiated conversation. INSTEAD:
Call the restaurant ahead of schedule and let them know what table and where you'd like it. Corner tables aren't given they're requesting so ask for it! If the maitre'd is reluctant go elsewhere. Your happiness is what's important at the end of the evening.
Diversify your daily activities:
I mistakenly planned just a couple of similar activities which is quite boring.
Ask the locals to suggest activities
While in Charleston recently, I sat at a wine bar and asked both the owner and his friend to write down some suggestions. So bring paper with you always as well so you capture the conversation.
Take advantage of mass transit:
If the city has discounted transit, take advantage of it.
The best thing about doing anything alone is you only worry about pleasing yourself. It's a great self discovery tool.
Friday, October 08, 2010
On Moving On
I read this article by Peter Bregman today. It had me thinking about some key "time to move on" points.
Point 1: When contemplating change ask yourself:
What do I most want/need out of the situation and am I getting most of it?
- If the answer is "I'm not getting most of it", move on.
- If you are getting most of it, stay.
Wednesday, October 06, 2010
God is So Enormous
It's 3:37 a.m. on Wednesday. Later this morning I launch a new product to everyone I work with. My mind is racing, I guess you could say it's from nerves but I think it's rather just from life. Lately I've learned that in the grand scope of the universe, I know nothing. How humbling right? We definitely see in a glass darkly. When I contemplate the universe and the enormous God in whom I serve, I can't help but feel infinitely less important. Why am I hanging on to my lifeless life? Why do I fret over things like not having a family life? My life is small but the God I serve is so huge. The black hole in the heavens has a mass of 1,000 galaxies. Exactly how large is this God I serve? When the Bible says the earth is His footstool I almost can't imagine how large He really is. Understanding how huge God is shows me how true the verse is that says to be anxious for nothing. Lord increase and establish my faith.
Saturday, October 02, 2010
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Careers & Children
Interesting article. I think a woman needs to carefully consider her career and potential employer if she sees children in her future. Not all employers are flexible and some careers require considerable hours. Having a career and children is possible but it requires creativity and sometimes a career shift.
For me, I'd love to be able to take some time away from my career and raise children. I've learned that life is about making a choice and dealing with the sacrifice. Some can put their 6 month old into daycare while others can't. For one, leaving a career is a lesser sacrifice than leaving a child in daycare. For the other it's the opposite. Some of us have to work. I long for the day when I can focus on my family for a season. I plan to return to work but hopefully not while my children are very young. Hence I'm laying the groundwork by creating a career that gives me a broad range of skills and the flexibility to do something part time. I want to enjoy my children rather than multi-task throughout the day. Of course, each to her own!
For me, I'd love to be able to take some time away from my career and raise children. I've learned that life is about making a choice and dealing with the sacrifice. Some can put their 6 month old into daycare while others can't. For one, leaving a career is a lesser sacrifice than leaving a child in daycare. For the other it's the opposite. Some of us have to work. I long for the day when I can focus on my family for a season. I plan to return to work but hopefully not while my children are very young. Hence I'm laying the groundwork by creating a career that gives me a broad range of skills and the flexibility to do something part time. I want to enjoy my children rather than multi-task throughout the day. Of course, each to her own!
The Shadows of Our Past
So I've begun the memoir about my mother. The funny thing is I absolutely can't write it in her voice and as I write, I'm unearthing truths about myself. I'm excavating my memories, searching for her story. Her story is almost too tragic and too personal to tell. It's a story she opted not to share with the world at large. Meanwhile, my story is one filled with the happiness she created for me.
It's weird, the story I'm telling is about my future. As I write my potential future is unwrapping. My future and my past are sewn together by rich memories created from my mother's bond to me. It's as though her story continues into mine. Her legacy is becoming mine. She was striving for the life she wanted. While I don't think she got all of it, I think her daughter's life will complete her dream. The memories of our past are shadows that follow us into our future. The dreams and prayers of a mother are coming to fruition in the daughter. It's as though God is creating a quilt. He's stitching her piece of the quilt to mine and together we're forming something - perhaps a piece of Him? Not sure.
It's weird, the story I'm telling is about my future. As I write my potential future is unwrapping. My future and my past are sewn together by rich memories created from my mother's bond to me. It's as though her story continues into mine. Her legacy is becoming mine. She was striving for the life she wanted. While I don't think she got all of it, I think her daughter's life will complete her dream. The memories of our past are shadows that follow us into our future. The dreams and prayers of a mother are coming to fruition in the daughter. It's as though God is creating a quilt. He's stitching her piece of the quilt to mine and together we're forming something - perhaps a piece of Him? Not sure.
The Fourth Date
It had been over 4 years since her mother's death. The pale pink walls of the dining room had been painted over with a deep taupe paint. The English chintz love seat set in the living room were replaced with a green sofa and love seat. The Morris chair; reupholstered in a modern check print. She stood inside the dining room and peered into the living room. In 4 long years her life had completely changed. Her father had promptly replaced not only their home decor but also began dating a new woman within months of her mother's death. Very little of her mother resided out in the open.
Her heart pattered a bit as she went into the kitchen. She had just finished frying the breaded eggplant that would be the basis of her famed eggplant parmigiana. She'd only made the dish several times since her mother's death. The cat, placidly sitting in her window seat, peered outside. She desperately wanted her mother to be there to talk to. She had so many questions about love, pleasing a man and growing up. Instead of the questions, she focused on preparing the salad. He'll be here soon and everything needs to be perfect. I hope he's not early but then again, I hope he's not late. I hate waiting. The waiting makes my nerves worse.
The back doorbell rang. She jumped before throwing off the apron and scurrying to the door. He stood with the screen door open as he waited for her to unlock the door. In his right hand were a dozen pale pink roses.
"These are for the, what I hope will be, the happy hostess." he said happily as he entered the back entrance.
She wanted to run into his arms and tell him how much she had missed him. She refrained instead.
"Thank you! Gosh they are such a light and pale shade of pink that they're almost white!" she radiated as she took them from his hands and quickly headed to the kitchen. She talked as she quickly grabbed a vase, filled it with water and plunked them into water.
He smirked as he watched her. Tessa was an extremely social creature. He wasn't a sensitive man and therefore wasn't hurt by her lack of appreciation for the flowers. He knew what she wanted was to talk to him and present a perfect meal.
"I'm told by many of your friends that I'm in for quite a treat." he openly praised. He leaned against the door frame of the kitchen while she tore the washed lettuce into very small bites of food.
"Well...perhaps they over sell me? I do absolutely adore cooking but I'm not sure if it'll be a treat...yet." she didn't look up but continued to prepare the salad. He wanted to laugh at her intensity. She was a perfectionist.
"I take it you enjoy making the lettuce pieces as small as possible?" he easily asked.
She frowned. "Well I actually hate making salad. Such a pain in the neck. Nevertheless it drives me nuts to have these huge hunks of lettuce in my salad. I feel like one shouldn't need a knife when eating a salad."
He only nodded. What was there to say? "Well you certainly are particular."
She looked up with concern. "Oh I'm so sorry. I'm so opinionated on the stupidest of things. Do you prefer your salad in larger pieces?"
He looked started. "Oh I'm merely making an observation. I could never be bothered making the pieces so small. I'll eat it, however you make it."
About a 1/2 hour later they were seated in the dining room. He sat across from her. She wondered what he was thinking. He was such a catch and so good looking. His dark hair gently bent up a bit in different sections and was a stark contrast to his blue eyes. In the candle light his eyes danced with amusement. Matthew was a man who seemed constantly amused.
He was toying at the floral patterned silverware.
"I set the table with my mother's china. This pattern was actually featured in Martha Stewart a while back. My mother was so proud. She picked up this set little by little at flee markets in the 70s." she wondered if she'd said too much. Did she sound like she was boasting?
He took the a bite, chewed then grinned. "Oh wow! No your friends weren't wrong. You're a fabulous cook. This has got to be the best eggplant I've ever eaten. No wonder your father begs you too cook. I would too!"
She smiled, "Well I'm glad it's ok. I always worry that the food won't come out the same when cooking for new people."
"It came out the same. But...this pattern is quite nice. You don't see red dishes every day. Your mother had great taste. Did she choose the wall color as well? It doesn't seem to quite go with the dishes." he said as he continued to eat.
She played with her food before speaking. He tried to catch her eyes but she was staring straight into the plate of uneaten food.
"I'm sorry if I said something to upset you. It wasn't my intent. Sometimes I say things without thinking."
She looked up. "Oh no! It's completely fine. My father redecorated shortly after my mother died. The walls used to be a pale shade of pink. They were the shade of the roses you brought me actually. The woman he's now dating felt uncomfortable with another woman's decor so he changed it." She didn't want to say anything more. The evening wasn't going as she had planned. It was only their fourth date and she wanted them to have an evening of laughter and not one of her groaning on the past. She wanted to change the subject.
He intently held her gaze before looking away. He seemed grieved but didn't immediately say something. He took a sip of water and continued to eat. It felt like hours had passed.
"That must've been quite hard, having someone paint over the memories you had of your mother." he said quietly. "Of course, I don't mean any disrespect to your father or the woman he's dating but it must've been hard for you?"
"It was." she stated simply. She didn't want to have a heart to heart with Matthew. She had turned so many men off by her just being herself. She wanted to be a light hearted fun person that he'd fall wildly in love with and not someone who he'd feel sorry for.
"What was your mother like?"
She breathed in to steady her voice. She wished she didn't have to talk of her. It wasn't that she didn't want to, it was that speaking of her almost always brought her to tears.
He stopped eating and looked at her.
"She's so hard to describe in a few sentences. My mother is the person who taught me what love is. She allowed me to love her the way I wanted to. Our love was like a rope that knotted our souls together. We just loved each other. We spoke 3 times a day even though we lived together and spent a lot of time talking about everything from motherhood, being a daughter and other stuff. She was my best friend, mother and spiritual mentor. How can I describe her? The words about her would fill an ocean." tears began to well up in her grey eyes.
He nodded. "You have a way with words...so in what ways did you love her?"
She looked at him blankly.
"You said she allowed you to love her in the way you wanted to. How did you love her? In what ways?" he tilted his head to one side and looked at her.
She looked up toward the ceiling and prayed to die. This was so not how she intended to show him a good time. Can't I just change the subject? Why'd I go and mention my mother? Dad said men will leave if I'm always sad and crying. Besides, I have a happy life. I'm not sad all the time. This is just a sad subject!
"Well, I'd leave my mother little notes written in the voice our family house cat. They'd be cute little things like 'I love to bite your ankles at the steps each morning. In fact, that gives me such delight'. Or I'd make up little songs about the cat or something that made us both laugh. Once she sent me a letter in college. It was written in the voice of our cat about how much the cat, or should I say "she" missed me. I really wish I had saved it. It was brilliant." she laughed as she began to tell about her mother.
"Wow, she sounds really neat. Tell me more..." he stated enthused.
"I think the thing I remember most of my mother was her imagination. I definitely have that from her. She was a master at play. Have you ever seen the movie 'Finding Neverland'?"
He shook his head no. She continued. "Well, my mother was that character. 'Finding Neverland' is about the playwright he wrote the play 'Peter Pan'. Well my mother was like John Barry. She created a world filled with scorelines. Every other day we'd play with my Barbie dream house. Only this wasn't any ordinary Barbie dream house. This was a rate G soap opera where each Barbie was a character. The storyline developed with each play time. On the 'off' days we played with my American Girl dolls. They had a Victorian story line complete with Samantha, the main character, Bonnie, a southern belle and the negro maid. I would charge up the driveway after school, shove my backpack into the coat closet, gobble down my afternoon snack and beg my mother to play with me. That daily hour was the highlight of my life." She was beaming. Her grey eyes danced with excitement as she wistfully looked past him and into the memories of her past. While the pale pink walls were coated over with taupe, at that moment she was back in time. The memories of her past flickered through her memory as the flames on the present table skipped before them.
"She sounds almost as remarkable as you." he said gently.
"Oh no, I could never be as phenomenal as her. Even the memory of her takes my breath away." she smiled. "But I'm sorry to talk so much of this. I really want to know and hear all about you."
He gazed at her. "What is there to tell and how would I tell it? Apparently you're a master storyteller about to weave some one's heart around your own memories. I'm left with only wanting to know more."
Her heart pattered a bit as she went into the kitchen. She had just finished frying the breaded eggplant that would be the basis of her famed eggplant parmigiana. She'd only made the dish several times since her mother's death. The cat, placidly sitting in her window seat, peered outside. She desperately wanted her mother to be there to talk to. She had so many questions about love, pleasing a man and growing up. Instead of the questions, she focused on preparing the salad. He'll be here soon and everything needs to be perfect. I hope he's not early but then again, I hope he's not late. I hate waiting. The waiting makes my nerves worse.
The back doorbell rang. She jumped before throwing off the apron and scurrying to the door. He stood with the screen door open as he waited for her to unlock the door. In his right hand were a dozen pale pink roses.
"These are for the, what I hope will be, the happy hostess." he said happily as he entered the back entrance.
She wanted to run into his arms and tell him how much she had missed him. She refrained instead.
"Thank you! Gosh they are such a light and pale shade of pink that they're almost white!" she radiated as she took them from his hands and quickly headed to the kitchen. She talked as she quickly grabbed a vase, filled it with water and plunked them into water.
He smirked as he watched her. Tessa was an extremely social creature. He wasn't a sensitive man and therefore wasn't hurt by her lack of appreciation for the flowers. He knew what she wanted was to talk to him and present a perfect meal.
"I'm told by many of your friends that I'm in for quite a treat." he openly praised. He leaned against the door frame of the kitchen while she tore the washed lettuce into very small bites of food.
"Well...perhaps they over sell me? I do absolutely adore cooking but I'm not sure if it'll be a treat...yet." she didn't look up but continued to prepare the salad. He wanted to laugh at her intensity. She was a perfectionist.
"I take it you enjoy making the lettuce pieces as small as possible?" he easily asked.
She frowned. "Well I actually hate making salad. Such a pain in the neck. Nevertheless it drives me nuts to have these huge hunks of lettuce in my salad. I feel like one shouldn't need a knife when eating a salad."
He only nodded. What was there to say? "Well you certainly are particular."
She looked up with concern. "Oh I'm so sorry. I'm so opinionated on the stupidest of things. Do you prefer your salad in larger pieces?"
He looked started. "Oh I'm merely making an observation. I could never be bothered making the pieces so small. I'll eat it, however you make it."
About a 1/2 hour later they were seated in the dining room. He sat across from her. She wondered what he was thinking. He was such a catch and so good looking. His dark hair gently bent up a bit in different sections and was a stark contrast to his blue eyes. In the candle light his eyes danced with amusement. Matthew was a man who seemed constantly amused.
He was toying at the floral patterned silverware.
"I set the table with my mother's china. This pattern was actually featured in Martha Stewart a while back. My mother was so proud. She picked up this set little by little at flee markets in the 70s." she wondered if she'd said too much. Did she sound like she was boasting?
He took the a bite, chewed then grinned. "Oh wow! No your friends weren't wrong. You're a fabulous cook. This has got to be the best eggplant I've ever eaten. No wonder your father begs you too cook. I would too!"
She smiled, "Well I'm glad it's ok. I always worry that the food won't come out the same when cooking for new people."
"It came out the same. But...this pattern is quite nice. You don't see red dishes every day. Your mother had great taste. Did she choose the wall color as well? It doesn't seem to quite go with the dishes." he said as he continued to eat.
She played with her food before speaking. He tried to catch her eyes but she was staring straight into the plate of uneaten food.
"I'm sorry if I said something to upset you. It wasn't my intent. Sometimes I say things without thinking."
She looked up. "Oh no! It's completely fine. My father redecorated shortly after my mother died. The walls used to be a pale shade of pink. They were the shade of the roses you brought me actually. The woman he's now dating felt uncomfortable with another woman's decor so he changed it." She didn't want to say anything more. The evening wasn't going as she had planned. It was only their fourth date and she wanted them to have an evening of laughter and not one of her groaning on the past. She wanted to change the subject.
He intently held her gaze before looking away. He seemed grieved but didn't immediately say something. He took a sip of water and continued to eat. It felt like hours had passed.
"That must've been quite hard, having someone paint over the memories you had of your mother." he said quietly. "Of course, I don't mean any disrespect to your father or the woman he's dating but it must've been hard for you?"
"It was." she stated simply. She didn't want to have a heart to heart with Matthew. She had turned so many men off by her just being herself. She wanted to be a light hearted fun person that he'd fall wildly in love with and not someone who he'd feel sorry for.
"What was your mother like?"
She breathed in to steady her voice. She wished she didn't have to talk of her. It wasn't that she didn't want to, it was that speaking of her almost always brought her to tears.
He stopped eating and looked at her.
"She's so hard to describe in a few sentences. My mother is the person who taught me what love is. She allowed me to love her the way I wanted to. Our love was like a rope that knotted our souls together. We just loved each other. We spoke 3 times a day even though we lived together and spent a lot of time talking about everything from motherhood, being a daughter and other stuff. She was my best friend, mother and spiritual mentor. How can I describe her? The words about her would fill an ocean." tears began to well up in her grey eyes.
He nodded. "You have a way with words...so in what ways did you love her?"
She looked at him blankly.
"You said she allowed you to love her in the way you wanted to. How did you love her? In what ways?" he tilted his head to one side and looked at her.
She looked up toward the ceiling and prayed to die. This was so not how she intended to show him a good time. Can't I just change the subject? Why'd I go and mention my mother? Dad said men will leave if I'm always sad and crying. Besides, I have a happy life. I'm not sad all the time. This is just a sad subject!
"Well, I'd leave my mother little notes written in the voice our family house cat. They'd be cute little things like 'I love to bite your ankles at the steps each morning. In fact, that gives me such delight'. Or I'd make up little songs about the cat or something that made us both laugh. Once she sent me a letter in college. It was written in the voice of our cat about how much the cat, or should I say "she" missed me. I really wish I had saved it. It was brilliant." she laughed as she began to tell about her mother.
"Wow, she sounds really neat. Tell me more..." he stated enthused.
"I think the thing I remember most of my mother was her imagination. I definitely have that from her. She was a master at play. Have you ever seen the movie 'Finding Neverland'?"
He shook his head no. She continued. "Well, my mother was that character. 'Finding Neverland' is about the playwright he wrote the play 'Peter Pan'. Well my mother was like John Barry. She created a world filled with scorelines. Every other day we'd play with my Barbie dream house. Only this wasn't any ordinary Barbie dream house. This was a rate G soap opera where each Barbie was a character. The storyline developed with each play time. On the 'off' days we played with my American Girl dolls. They had a Victorian story line complete with Samantha, the main character, Bonnie, a southern belle and the negro maid. I would charge up the driveway after school, shove my backpack into the coat closet, gobble down my afternoon snack and beg my mother to play with me. That daily hour was the highlight of my life." She was beaming. Her grey eyes danced with excitement as she wistfully looked past him and into the memories of her past. While the pale pink walls were coated over with taupe, at that moment she was back in time. The memories of her past flickered through her memory as the flames on the present table skipped before them.
"She sounds almost as remarkable as you." he said gently.
"Oh no, I could never be as phenomenal as her. Even the memory of her takes my breath away." she smiled. "But I'm sorry to talk so much of this. I really want to know and hear all about you."
He gazed at her. "What is there to tell and how would I tell it? Apparently you're a master storyteller about to weave some one's heart around your own memories. I'm left with only wanting to know more."
Taking Risks
I ought to be finishing up my chores before work. The rain is pelting the asphalt outside at a speed comparible to the rain falling while Noah was in his ark. Yet I must write because I'm taking a risk and just read an article on risks. Here's a couple key points on risks.
As I plan this trip for myself and contemplate the still unknown outcome, I can't help but be filled with a little bit of dread and whole lot of excitement. For me just booking the ticket was a major step in embracing my singleness.
- Find cheap ways to fail
- If taking a risk, take it by doing something you enjoy
- Be sure your risk is in line with God's word
As I plan this trip for myself and contemplate the still unknown outcome, I can't help but be filled with a little bit of dread and whole lot of excitement. For me just booking the ticket was a major step in embracing my singleness.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Love, Love, LOVE
I thought of you today as I lay on my bed musing over love and the lack thereof. I was thinking of the "love" some of my friends have in the men they've married. Funny thing though, they seem to all lack what you and I had. Our love roped around and around our hearts. It was so intimate. It gave to each of us constantly and I don't even think it was from us. I think God gave it to us. It was a gift that each of us nurtured in the other.
You allowed me to love you in the ways that I love. You always accepted my forms of love without complaint. If you needed more from me you never stated so. Your love blanketed me at night, soothed me in distress and pleased me constantly.
I miss you dear friend, dear saint, dear mother. My thoughts go continually towards our past. As I ponder the present I can't help but realize that you aren't in it. Yet you are forever in my heart. Your love for Christ lives on in me eternally. The future seems bright because I know that He is preparing more love for me.
Lord, will you tell her I miss her? Will you tell her that I still love her? Will you tell her that I'm moving on with my life? Will you tell her you're working on finding me love?
But Lord, one more thing - thank you for showing me love in the form of her. I doubt many have been so blessed as to experience a love like ours. What a good thing you gave me. I'm very thankful for it.
You allowed me to love you in the ways that I love. You always accepted my forms of love without complaint. If you needed more from me you never stated so. Your love blanketed me at night, soothed me in distress and pleased me constantly.
I miss you dear friend, dear saint, dear mother. My thoughts go continually towards our past. As I ponder the present I can't help but realize that you aren't in it. Yet you are forever in my heart. Your love for Christ lives on in me eternally. The future seems bright because I know that He is preparing more love for me.
Lord, will you tell her I miss her? Will you tell her that I still love her? Will you tell her that I'm moving on with my life? Will you tell her you're working on finding me love?
But Lord, one more thing - thank you for showing me love in the form of her. I doubt many have been so blessed as to experience a love like ours. What a good thing you gave me. I'm very thankful for it.
Monday, September 27, 2010
He will not leave you undone.
She stood inside the tiny chapel as torrents of rain pattered against the concrete steps. The door had been swung wide to make room for her umbrella. The sanctuary was small with dark oak seats and no pillow cushions. In the back of the room stood the small square alter, centered in the room. A baby grand piano was catty cornered to one side. The pastor sat up front, stooped over his Bible. Other than the pelting rain outside the room was quiet. He didn't look back as she pulled the heavy church door shut.
Her hurt was filled with anguish. She wanted to crawl to the alter and plead with Jesus to save her from the loneliness and despair she was feeling. She came to the alter without acknowledging her beloved pastor and began to weep.
"Tessa?" the old pastor asked sweetly. His voice nearly whispered to question. His tenderness brought her to further torrents of tears. He came and put his hand on her shoulder.
"Sister." he said nothing further. He waited. He was the kind of man who understood tears and knew that tears often flowed before conversation could begin.
"Oh Pastor" she groaned with her head still bent in a prayer position. She remained kneeling.
"What is it sister? Let yourself cry and then tell me." he implored.
"I feel so completely alone. I miss my mother. I wish I could tell you with words how much I miss her. My heart is crushing everyday with grief. My father is no father. He called me a roommate when discussing me with his girlfriend. I don't know anymore. My former boyfriend refused to marry me and I ended up leaving him. I have no one. All that I have died when my mother died.
There's no one anymore to discuss the things of God and there's no one to call over lunch. There's no one to talk to, to lean on, to pray with, to even cry with. There's no one to share my life with. My friends are all married now, they all even have children.
I know God hasn't forgotten me and I don't need to ask Him why but I wish I could learn contentment. I wish I could have some comfort. I can't seem to find it. I can't seem to find a man to marry. These men won't even call me back after a date. No one wants me. No one." She burst into further tears.
"Oh sister. The Lord sees your heart and that you are His. He will never leave you undone. He knows that you're in need of a friend, that you're in need of more than a friend - that you're looking for someone to share your life with. He knows. You will not be left undone. The man that is right for you will have a heart adorned in love. That heart will see your heart and you will both be adorned in love for each other. Do not get yourself upset. It will happen. God will do it. What seems impossible to man is possible to God. You are a faithful woman and God never leave you in this state. Trust Him."
She looked up into his sky blue eyes and smiled. "Thank you Pastor. I suppose I wanted to know that God hasn't forgotten me. Sometimes as I look at my friends I wonder what I've done wrong. I wonder where I have sinned."
He frowned and touched her hand. "Sister, you have done nothing wrong. Every good and perfect gift comes from above. God desires to give you help mate and someone to truly love. Dry your tears and give thanks. The Lord always hears the prayers of His children."
She smiled at him and took her seat. He had told her exactly what the Lord had said to her in her heart just days earlier. She just wasn't sure if it was her feelings or if it was the God she served so diligently.
Her hurt was filled with anguish. She wanted to crawl to the alter and plead with Jesus to save her from the loneliness and despair she was feeling. She came to the alter without acknowledging her beloved pastor and began to weep.
"Tessa?" the old pastor asked sweetly. His voice nearly whispered to question. His tenderness brought her to further torrents of tears. He came and put his hand on her shoulder.
"Sister." he said nothing further. He waited. He was the kind of man who understood tears and knew that tears often flowed before conversation could begin.
"Oh Pastor" she groaned with her head still bent in a prayer position. She remained kneeling.
"What is it sister? Let yourself cry and then tell me." he implored.
"I feel so completely alone. I miss my mother. I wish I could tell you with words how much I miss her. My heart is crushing everyday with grief. My father is no father. He called me a roommate when discussing me with his girlfriend. I don't know anymore. My former boyfriend refused to marry me and I ended up leaving him. I have no one. All that I have died when my mother died.
There's no one anymore to discuss the things of God and there's no one to call over lunch. There's no one to talk to, to lean on, to pray with, to even cry with. There's no one to share my life with. My friends are all married now, they all even have children.
I know God hasn't forgotten me and I don't need to ask Him why but I wish I could learn contentment. I wish I could have some comfort. I can't seem to find it. I can't seem to find a man to marry. These men won't even call me back after a date. No one wants me. No one." She burst into further tears.
"Oh sister. The Lord sees your heart and that you are His. He will never leave you undone. He knows that you're in need of a friend, that you're in need of more than a friend - that you're looking for someone to share your life with. He knows. You will not be left undone. The man that is right for you will have a heart adorned in love. That heart will see your heart and you will both be adorned in love for each other. Do not get yourself upset. It will happen. God will do it. What seems impossible to man is possible to God. You are a faithful woman and God never leave you in this state. Trust Him."
She looked up into his sky blue eyes and smiled. "Thank you Pastor. I suppose I wanted to know that God hasn't forgotten me. Sometimes as I look at my friends I wonder what I've done wrong. I wonder where I have sinned."
He frowned and touched her hand. "Sister, you have done nothing wrong. Every good and perfect gift comes from above. God desires to give you help mate and someone to truly love. Dry your tears and give thanks. The Lord always hears the prayers of His children."
She smiled at him and took her seat. He had told her exactly what the Lord had said to her in her heart just days earlier. She just wasn't sure if it was her feelings or if it was the God she served so diligently.
Friday, September 24, 2010
No Words
Tessa sat across from him at the coffee house. Her slim alabaster fingers curled around a mug of steamy frothed milk. Her eye lashes were thick. He could tell by the tilt of her chin and clenched jaw that she was deep in thought. It was rare that she was this quiet.
"What's on your mind?" He said softly.
She didn't immediately respond. She rubbed her finger around the rim of the now half empty mug.
"Tess?" he asked a little softer. A part of him hoped she wouldn't answer; he knew whatever she had to say would mean a long conversation and he'd had a long day.
"I was thinking of her this morning." Her deep grey eyes were smoky with tears.
"Of your mom?" he said with a small sigh at the end.
"It's ok. I'm ok. I don't need to talk about it." She looked down and swirled her finger round the rim of her glass again.
He took a deep breath. To ask or not to ask? he pondered with little humor.
"What had you thinking of her?"
"I awoke alone this morning and it was weird. The memories are weird. I don't know how to describe them. Suddenly I remembered the last day we saw each other. We had gone to church, ate at Nancy's and she said good night and that she loved me very much." Tears began to drip down the sides of her face. The alternative bands from the 90s strummed on. The overweight, goth waitress gave him a look of inquiry. He probably thought they were breaking up.
"I told her I loved her very much. We went to sleep. The next thing I knew it was 4 a.m. and she was stumbling out of bed; in terrible pain. We finally drove her to the hospital. There we were, I was bending over her and her eyes rolled away from me. I knew I'd never see her again. They rushed her away and the chaplain came down. He came down dressed in a black robe...maybe it was a black outfit...I don't know. I just remember him looking like the angel of death."
He was moved. He knew how much she loved her. How much she still loved her. Tessa wanted desperately to cling to her mother. She was like a small toddler pleading for her mother to come home. He felt restless. He had no words. He couldn't fix this. There was nothing he could do to bring her mother back. He felt angry and helpless. There she was, golden, angelic and filled with angst. He knew he'd bring her back to his place, make love to her and toss and turn all night. What was he to do? What could he say?
"It's ok if you didn't hear me." she whispered through tears.
"I heard you Tessa. I just have no words, there are no words." he groaned. He reached for his wallet and gestured for the waitress.
"What's on your mind?" He said softly.
She didn't immediately respond. She rubbed her finger around the rim of the now half empty mug.
"Tess?" he asked a little softer. A part of him hoped she wouldn't answer; he knew whatever she had to say would mean a long conversation and he'd had a long day.
"I was thinking of her this morning." Her deep grey eyes were smoky with tears.
"Of your mom?" he said with a small sigh at the end.
"It's ok. I'm ok. I don't need to talk about it." She looked down and swirled her finger round the rim of her glass again.
He took a deep breath. To ask or not to ask? he pondered with little humor.
"What had you thinking of her?"
"I awoke alone this morning and it was weird. The memories are weird. I don't know how to describe them. Suddenly I remembered the last day we saw each other. We had gone to church, ate at Nancy's and she said good night and that she loved me very much." Tears began to drip down the sides of her face. The alternative bands from the 90s strummed on. The overweight, goth waitress gave him a look of inquiry. He probably thought they were breaking up.
"I told her I loved her very much. We went to sleep. The next thing I knew it was 4 a.m. and she was stumbling out of bed; in terrible pain. We finally drove her to the hospital. There we were, I was bending over her and her eyes rolled away from me. I knew I'd never see her again. They rushed her away and the chaplain came down. He came down dressed in a black robe...maybe it was a black outfit...I don't know. I just remember him looking like the angel of death."
He was moved. He knew how much she loved her. How much she still loved her. Tessa wanted desperately to cling to her mother. She was like a small toddler pleading for her mother to come home. He felt restless. He had no words. He couldn't fix this. There was nothing he could do to bring her mother back. He felt angry and helpless. There she was, golden, angelic and filled with angst. He knew he'd bring her back to his place, make love to her and toss and turn all night. What was he to do? What could he say?
"It's ok if you didn't hear me." she whispered through tears.
"I heard you Tessa. I just have no words, there are no words." he groaned. He reached for his wallet and gestured for the waitress.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
There are no accidents - by Elisabeth Elliot
My friend Judy Squier of Portola Valley, California, is one of the most cheerful and radiant women I know. I met her first in a prayer meeting at the beginning of a conference. She was sitting in a wheel chair, and I noticed something funny about her legs. Later that day I saw her with no legs at all. In the evening she was walking around with crutches. Of course I had to ask her some questions. She was born with no legs; she had artificial ones which she used sometimes, but they were tiresome, she said (laughing) and she often left them behind. When I heard of a little baby boy named Brandon Scott, born without arms or legs, I asked if she would write to his parents. She did:
"The first thing I would say is that all that this entails is at least one hundred times harder on the parents than the child. A birth defect by God's grace does not rob childhood of its wonder, nor is a child burdened by high expectations. Given a supportive, creative, and loving family, I know personally that I enjoyed not a less-than-average life nor an average life, but as I've told many, my life has been not ordinary but extra-ordinary.
"I am convinced without a doubt that a loving Heavenly Father oversees the creative miracles in the inner sanctum of each mother's womb (Psalm 139), and that in His sovereignty there are no accidents.
"'What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Creator calls a butterfly.' As humanity we see only the imperfect, underside of God's tapestry of our lives. What we judge to be 'tragic--the most dreaded thing that could happen,' I expect we'll one day see as the awesome reason for the beauty and uniqueness of our life and our family. I think that's why James 1:2 is a favorite verse of mine. Phillips' translation put it this way: 'When all kinds of trials and temptations crowd into your lives, my brothers, don't resent them as intruders but welcome them as friends.'
"I love Joni Eareckson Tada's quote. When I saw it on the front of Moody Monthly, October 1982, I was convinced she'd penned the words for my epitaph. Now my husband David is aghast to hear me say I want it on my tombstone! Glory be!
People with disabilities are God's best visual aids to demonstrate who He really is. His power shows up best in weakness. And who by the world's standards is weaker than the mentally or physically disabled? As the world watches, these people persevere. They live, love, trust and obey Him. Eventually the world is forced to say, "How great their God must be to inspire this kind of loyalty."
"Being Christian didn't shield my family from the pain and tears that came with my birth defect. In fact, ten years ago when David and I interviewed our parents for a Keepsake Tape, I was stunned to hear my mother's true feelings. I asked her to tell the hardest thing in her life. Her response: 'the day Judy Ann was born and it still is....' And yet when we as a family look back over the years, our reflections are invariably silenced by the wonder of God's handiwork. Someday I hope to put it in a book and I know it will be to the glory of God.
"Getting married and becoming a mother were dreams I never dared to dream, but God, the doer of all miracles intended that my life be blessed with an incredible husband and three daughters. Emily is nine, Betsy will soon be seven, and Naphtalie Joy is four. I've decided that every handicapped person needs at least one child. They are fantastic helpers and so willing to let me 'borrow their legs' when I need help.
"You as a family have been chosen in a special way to display His unique Masterwork. I pray that your roots of faith will grow deep down into the faithfulness of God's Loving Plan, that you will exchange your inadequacy for the Adequacy of Jesus' resurrection power, and that you will be awed as you witness the fruits of the Spirit manifested in your family."
This devotional is used with permission by the author. It may be used solely for personal, noncommercial, and informational purposes. Republication or redistribution of this devotional is prohibited.
"The first thing I would say is that all that this entails is at least one hundred times harder on the parents than the child. A birth defect by God's grace does not rob childhood of its wonder, nor is a child burdened by high expectations. Given a supportive, creative, and loving family, I know personally that I enjoyed not a less-than-average life nor an average life, but as I've told many, my life has been not ordinary but extra-ordinary.
"I am convinced without a doubt that a loving Heavenly Father oversees the creative miracles in the inner sanctum of each mother's womb (Psalm 139), and that in His sovereignty there are no accidents.
"'What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Creator calls a butterfly.' As humanity we see only the imperfect, underside of God's tapestry of our lives. What we judge to be 'tragic--the most dreaded thing that could happen,' I expect we'll one day see as the awesome reason for the beauty and uniqueness of our life and our family. I think that's why James 1:2 is a favorite verse of mine. Phillips' translation put it this way: 'When all kinds of trials and temptations crowd into your lives, my brothers, don't resent them as intruders but welcome them as friends.'
"I love Joni Eareckson Tada's quote. When I saw it on the front of Moody Monthly, October 1982, I was convinced she'd penned the words for my epitaph. Now my husband David is aghast to hear me say I want it on my tombstone! Glory be!
People with disabilities are God's best visual aids to demonstrate who He really is. His power shows up best in weakness. And who by the world's standards is weaker than the mentally or physically disabled? As the world watches, these people persevere. They live, love, trust and obey Him. Eventually the world is forced to say, "How great their God must be to inspire this kind of loyalty."
"Being Christian didn't shield my family from the pain and tears that came with my birth defect. In fact, ten years ago when David and I interviewed our parents for a Keepsake Tape, I was stunned to hear my mother's true feelings. I asked her to tell the hardest thing in her life. Her response: 'the day Judy Ann was born and it still is....' And yet when we as a family look back over the years, our reflections are invariably silenced by the wonder of God's handiwork. Someday I hope to put it in a book and I know it will be to the glory of God.
"Getting married and becoming a mother were dreams I never dared to dream, but God, the doer of all miracles intended that my life be blessed with an incredible husband and three daughters. Emily is nine, Betsy will soon be seven, and Naphtalie Joy is four. I've decided that every handicapped person needs at least one child. They are fantastic helpers and so willing to let me 'borrow their legs' when I need help.
"You as a family have been chosen in a special way to display His unique Masterwork. I pray that your roots of faith will grow deep down into the faithfulness of God's Loving Plan, that you will exchange your inadequacy for the Adequacy of Jesus' resurrection power, and that you will be awed as you witness the fruits of the Spirit manifested in your family."
This devotional is used with permission by the author. It may be used solely for personal, noncommercial, and informational purposes. Republication or redistribution of this devotional is prohibited.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
On Feeling Overwhelmed
The last few weeks were extremely overwhelming for me. While I was preparing for the arrival of our incoming fall class, I was also preparing to discuss my future career path with my company. That coupled with the the feelings of loneliness was nearly causing my heart to collapse within my chest - if there is such a thing!
I came to Psalm 61 and was touched. Here's what I've learned about feeling overwhelmed:
Attend to my prayer.
2 From the end of the earth I will cry to You,
When my heart is overwhelmed;
Lead me to the rock that is higher than I.
3 For You have been a shelter for me,
A strong tower from the enemy.
4 I will abide in Your tabernacle forever;
I will trust in the shelter of Your wings. Selah
5 For You, O God, have heard my vows;
You have given me the heritage of those who fear Your name.
6 You will prolong the king’s life,
His years as many generations.
7 He shall abide before God forever.
Oh, prepare mercy and truth, which may preserve him!
8 So I will sing praise to Your name forever,
That I may daily perform my vows. (Psalm 61, New King James Version)
I came to Psalm 61 and was touched. Here's what I've learned about feeling overwhelmed:
- There are times your heart is overwhelmed and you don't know why. Take it to Jesus in prayer. Give him your overwhelmed heart and trust Him with it.
- Sometimes the relief of an overwhelmed heart is simply waiting on God. The feelings you have may not subside within hours or minutes of prayer. Take it to Jesus and take it to Him daily and keep waiting.
- Do not act or react until God calms your heart. It may take longer than you think!
Attend to my prayer.
2 From the end of the earth I will cry to You,
When my heart is overwhelmed;
Lead me to the rock that is higher than I.
3 For You have been a shelter for me,
A strong tower from the enemy.
4 I will abide in Your tabernacle forever;
I will trust in the shelter of Your wings. Selah
5 For You, O God, have heard my vows;
You have given me the heritage of those who fear Your name.
6 You will prolong the king’s life,
His years as many generations.
7 He shall abide before God forever.
Oh, prepare mercy and truth, which may preserve him!
8 So I will sing praise to Your name forever,
That I may daily perform my vows. (Psalm 61, New King James Version)
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Inspirational Words by Elisabeth Elliot - taken from Back to The Bible
It Is Hard to Enter by Elisabeth Elliot:
"The kingdom of god stands over against all other kingdoms--that is, against all other authorities, sources of power, objects of trust. It is hard to enter the kingdom of God--not because an angel is set to keep us out, not because God would surround Himself with a highly selected elite, but because the condition for admittance is renunciation of all other kingdoms. ...
Every day we are asked which kingdom we choose. Is it, in the last analysis, "thine" or "mine" which I most desire? What is it that my most earnest prayers are directed toward? "
Seed and Yeast by Elisabeth Elliot:
"Our prayers for change--in people, in situations--are summed up in the old petition, "Thy kingdom come"--but when we ask for that we are asking for what may seem an excruciatingly drawn-out business.
We will need the patience of the farmer and the baker who, having done the one thing needful, then quietly (and with calm faith) wait for the thing to happen."
Help Thy Servants by Elisabeth Elliot:
"Many of our prayers are for a quick and easy solution. God is more glorified in his people when they exhibit his grace under pressure. ...
We, too, may bring any difficult situation to our heavenly Father, laying it before his eyes, and asking not for instant escape but for "enablement"--for strength to sustain the burden and do what we ought to do without the fear of man."
"The kingdom of god stands over against all other kingdoms--that is, against all other authorities, sources of power, objects of trust. It is hard to enter the kingdom of God--not because an angel is set to keep us out, not because God would surround Himself with a highly selected elite, but because the condition for admittance is renunciation of all other kingdoms. ...
Every day we are asked which kingdom we choose. Is it, in the last analysis, "thine" or "mine" which I most desire? What is it that my most earnest prayers are directed toward? "
Seed and Yeast by Elisabeth Elliot:
"Our prayers for change--in people, in situations--are summed up in the old petition, "Thy kingdom come"--but when we ask for that we are asking for what may seem an excruciatingly drawn-out business.
We will need the patience of the farmer and the baker who, having done the one thing needful, then quietly (and with calm faith) wait for the thing to happen."
Help Thy Servants by Elisabeth Elliot:
"Many of our prayers are for a quick and easy solution. God is more glorified in his people when they exhibit his grace under pressure. ...
We, too, may bring any difficult situation to our heavenly Father, laying it before his eyes, and asking not for instant escape but for "enablement"--for strength to sustain the burden and do what we ought to do without the fear of man."
The Face of an Angel
The clouds sprinkled droplets of water onto his canvas coat as he walked to the car, Bible under one arm and chin tucked a bit into the collar of his coat. It was the third church service he had visited in the small New Jersey town he had just relocated to. The heavens darkened suddenly as thundered rolled above him. Great, now I'm going to get stuck driving in a storm on the way home. He turned on the ignition and headed away from the tall white church he had just exited from. As he drove the rain pelted his windshield. He could barely see the road. Ahead was a small diner on the corner of an intersection. He pulled in. Eh, I have breakfast fixings at home but perhaps I'll just stop, eat and wait for the rain to slow. He reached behind his seat and began fishing for his umbrella. It wasn't in the back seat. Great! I guess I left that at home. This isn't my day for certain. At that point he wished he had slept in, instead of having bothered with the dull church service he had just attended.
The diner was bustling with waitresses busy with taking and delivering orders. Bus boys bustled around waitresses and dodged around patrons as they hurriedly removed empty plates. Laughter and conversation confronted him, along with the aroma of all things breakfast related: sausage, pancakes and brewed coffee.
A stout woman stood to the side of the main counter holding a lone cash register. Her eyes were a kindly blue. She smiled, "How many?" she asked in a thick accent.
His eyes widened as he drew his head back. "Uh, just a seat at the counter will do." he said brusquely.
She smiled and grabbed one menu. Her hair was cut short and was shellacked to her head with what appeared to be about 5 coats of hairspray. She led him to the counter. Several old men were disbursed at the counter. One was chatting happily with a pregnant waitress.
"I apologize if I was rude just now. I'm not exactly comfortable dining alone." he explained as he settled on the red cushioned stool.
"That is quite alright. I understand" she said as she patted in shoulder in departing.
He munched on his egg sandwich and watched CNN for what felt like an hour. He was growing bored with eating and turned his head to look towards the window to see if the rain had stopped. There she was, a golden smiling mirage. From the counter he couldn't make out the color of her eyes. She breezily stepped towards the stout woman manning the cash register. The hostess seemed to know her for she grabbed a menu and led her to a small booth in the center of the diner. The golden girl slid into the booth and put small shopping bag next to her. She seemed ecstatic to be there. Without even thinking he spun around and the stool and starting watching her.
She was a vision. Her skin was porcelain white and flawless. It glimmered like fine bone china when held towards the light. Her hair fell like strands of silk colored by golden rods. Hers was the face of an angel. He almost wondered if she was an angel. He had never seen a woman so unearthly in his life. She didn't look up from her menu and he wished she had. He wondered what the color of her eyes were. After she ordered she pulled out a small leather bound black book and began reading.
Oh! I think that's a Bible!
"Do you want more coffee sir?" the waitress behind the counter asked. He spun around in the stool, embarrassed, and looked at her.
"Uh, no...thank you." he said without hesitation. She started to walk away.
"Excuse me."
"Yes?" she asked kindly.
"Who is the golden haired girl over there?" he said as he pointed to the angel seated alone.
The waitress craned her neck and peered at where he was pointing.
"Ah, I don't know her name but she comes in nearly every Sunday." She looked at him with a broad smile. "Sorry." She said and waited.
"Thanks. I'll take the check when you have if ready."
He quickly paid and started toward the door. As he exited the restaurant he couldn't help but look back at her. At that moment she looked up with a far away expression and met his glance. She smiled at him before returning to her reading.
He walked outside to a drizzle. I should say hello. What do I have to lose? It's not like I ever dine alone or will likely come here again. He turned mid stride on his heel and headed back inside.
"Did you forget something?" the hostess asked in a thick accent.
"I did actually" he said with a smile. She tilted her chin and waited.
"I want to say hello to that girl seated in front of you. She has the face of an angel" he said breathing harder.
The hostess smiled warmly. "Indeed she is. She comes every Sunday, reads her Bible and...tips well" she added with little hesitation. "Say hello to her! She never comes with a man." she emphasized "with a man" and winked.
With the hostesses encouragement he briskly walked to her table. She looked up with deep grey, blue eyes that reflected the color of her soul almost as the ocean reflects the color of the sky. She tilted her face to one side and gazed at him. She didn't smile but the corners of her rosy lips rose at the corners.
His voice caught in throat. What am I doing?
"Hi, I saw you while seated at the counter...was that a Bible you were reading earlier?" he asked as softly as he could. His voice had a tendency to boom. Women had told him his mannerisms where overbearing. He thought of that as he spoke to her.
She smiled awkwardly. "Why yes it was. I'm surprised you could see that from all the way over there" She turned her head and looked at the counter while she responded.
A waiter dodged around him as he stood awkwardly in front of her.
"Did you just come from church?" he asked.
"Oh no, I have service in the afternoon actually. I like to head to breakfast in the morning beforehand to center myself" she said with an easy smile. She sat back in her chair and confidently made eye contact.
"Ooh, where do you go?" he asked with eagerness.
"It's a very small church about a 1/2 hour from here." she said guardedly.
"Oh." he said with disappointment. He could tell she wasn't up for visitors at her church. He wanted to leave. She was friendly but cool and reserved. He didn't like reserved women.
"Did you just come from church?" she asked.
"Well yes...I'm new in town. So far I haven't found anything I like yet but I'm trying." he said this somewhat louder.
She raised her eyes brows and widened her eyes. He wasn't sure if she reacting to the thunder in his voice or what he said.
She gestured to the seat across her. "Would you care to sit down?" she asked easily.
"Thank you." he said and sat across from her. He had absolutely never seen such a celestial looking woman in his life. She embodied purity. He wanted to know more of how a woman could even look like that.
The diner was bustling with waitresses busy with taking and delivering orders. Bus boys bustled around waitresses and dodged around patrons as they hurriedly removed empty plates. Laughter and conversation confronted him, along with the aroma of all things breakfast related: sausage, pancakes and brewed coffee.
A stout woman stood to the side of the main counter holding a lone cash register. Her eyes were a kindly blue. She smiled, "How many?" she asked in a thick accent.
His eyes widened as he drew his head back. "Uh, just a seat at the counter will do." he said brusquely.
She smiled and grabbed one menu. Her hair was cut short and was shellacked to her head with what appeared to be about 5 coats of hairspray. She led him to the counter. Several old men were disbursed at the counter. One was chatting happily with a pregnant waitress.
"I apologize if I was rude just now. I'm not exactly comfortable dining alone." he explained as he settled on the red cushioned stool.
"That is quite alright. I understand" she said as she patted in shoulder in departing.
He munched on his egg sandwich and watched CNN for what felt like an hour. He was growing bored with eating and turned his head to look towards the window to see if the rain had stopped. There she was, a golden smiling mirage. From the counter he couldn't make out the color of her eyes. She breezily stepped towards the stout woman manning the cash register. The hostess seemed to know her for she grabbed a menu and led her to a small booth in the center of the diner. The golden girl slid into the booth and put small shopping bag next to her. She seemed ecstatic to be there. Without even thinking he spun around and the stool and starting watching her.
She was a vision. Her skin was porcelain white and flawless. It glimmered like fine bone china when held towards the light. Her hair fell like strands of silk colored by golden rods. Hers was the face of an angel. He almost wondered if she was an angel. He had never seen a woman so unearthly in his life. She didn't look up from her menu and he wished she had. He wondered what the color of her eyes were. After she ordered she pulled out a small leather bound black book and began reading.
Oh! I think that's a Bible!
"Do you want more coffee sir?" the waitress behind the counter asked. He spun around in the stool, embarrassed, and looked at her.
"Uh, no...thank you." he said without hesitation. She started to walk away.
"Excuse me."
"Yes?" she asked kindly.
"Who is the golden haired girl over there?" he said as he pointed to the angel seated alone.
The waitress craned her neck and peered at where he was pointing.
"Ah, I don't know her name but she comes in nearly every Sunday." She looked at him with a broad smile. "Sorry." She said and waited.
"Thanks. I'll take the check when you have if ready."
He quickly paid and started toward the door. As he exited the restaurant he couldn't help but look back at her. At that moment she looked up with a far away expression and met his glance. She smiled at him before returning to her reading.
He walked outside to a drizzle. I should say hello. What do I have to lose? It's not like I ever dine alone or will likely come here again. He turned mid stride on his heel and headed back inside.
"Did you forget something?" the hostess asked in a thick accent.
"I did actually" he said with a smile. She tilted her chin and waited.
"I want to say hello to that girl seated in front of you. She has the face of an angel" he said breathing harder.
The hostess smiled warmly. "Indeed she is. She comes every Sunday, reads her Bible and...tips well" she added with little hesitation. "Say hello to her! She never comes with a man." she emphasized "with a man" and winked.
With the hostesses encouragement he briskly walked to her table. She looked up with deep grey, blue eyes that reflected the color of her soul almost as the ocean reflects the color of the sky. She tilted her face to one side and gazed at him. She didn't smile but the corners of her rosy lips rose at the corners.
His voice caught in throat. What am I doing?
"Hi, I saw you while seated at the counter...was that a Bible you were reading earlier?" he asked as softly as he could. His voice had a tendency to boom. Women had told him his mannerisms where overbearing. He thought of that as he spoke to her.
She smiled awkwardly. "Why yes it was. I'm surprised you could see that from all the way over there" She turned her head and looked at the counter while she responded.
A waiter dodged around him as he stood awkwardly in front of her.
"Did you just come from church?" he asked.
"Oh no, I have service in the afternoon actually. I like to head to breakfast in the morning beforehand to center myself" she said with an easy smile. She sat back in her chair and confidently made eye contact.
"Ooh, where do you go?" he asked with eagerness.
"It's a very small church about a 1/2 hour from here." she said guardedly.
"Oh." he said with disappointment. He could tell she wasn't up for visitors at her church. He wanted to leave. She was friendly but cool and reserved. He didn't like reserved women.
"Did you just come from church?" she asked.
"Well yes...I'm new in town. So far I haven't found anything I like yet but I'm trying." he said this somewhat louder.
She raised her eyes brows and widened her eyes. He wasn't sure if she reacting to the thunder in his voice or what he said.
She gestured to the seat across her. "Would you care to sit down?" she asked easily.
"Thank you." he said and sat across from her. He had absolutely never seen such a celestial looking woman in his life. She embodied purity. He wanted to know more of how a woman could even look like that.
The Calling - Part 1 - Called to Loneliness

Last night I sat on my bed and cried. It was an emotional week but all went so well that I wondered why the tears? Tears can sometimes come from places other than sadness; they can come from fatigue, frustration or even from lacking the ability to speak to our Master. Last night I felt the Holy Spirit asking me to abandon my search for a husband and instead to fix my search on Christ. This of course means me removing myself from the online dating world and enduring inevitable spurts of extreme loneliness for an undetermined amount of time.
Yet I felt Him wooing me and telling me that my husband is alive and praying for me. That he has also put his request before Christ and it's now up for Jesus to bring us together. Having a Christian husband would be more than my heart's desire. Yet I felt so strongly that this man is living, that God will put us together and knit our hearts in Jesus love. Relationships and intimacy can't exist without Christ in the midst of them. Something will be missing. I want what I had with my mother. I'm not saying I want my mother but I'm saying that I want the union we had. It was intimate, completely selfless on both sides, allowed for vulnerability on both parties, mutually encouraging, inspiring and pure. It was meant to be. I was born to my mother and she was given to me by God. I want that relationship again only this time in romance. I don't mean I'm looking for my mother all over again but rather the type of relationship that's a gift from heaven. It must be given from Christ himself.
Lord, I trust you to give me this. You know I'm alone in this world and have little fellowship with those around me. I know you've always considered my heart, my frame and my needs. I give this to you. Help me to trust you. Help me not to despair. Help me to know you through this time. Your will be done. I'd like to say I hope you have my will in mind but crazy as I sound, I believe you've led me to where I am. That will lead me to this man and that we'll both know when we meet. I believe I'm asking in Your will. Just help me with the doubts, the fear and the longing.
Wednesday, September 01, 2010
Negotiating Need In Relationships
I just finished typing up my request for a reexamination of my position and salary. As I crafted, typed and bulleted my 2 page compilation of my work life, I couldn't help but wonder if I'm making the right decision. Will the firm think that I'm not happy in my job when I am? Will they think I'm not happy with my job responsibilities? I am and appreciate all that they've done for my almost nonexistent career up until this point.
As I lay on my bed kneading my aching shoulders I also couldn't help but wonder: Am I being taught a fundamental principle of healthy relationships - that of asking and expecting to get what we need of others?
Am I making the right decision to ask? I hope so. I know my heart is in the right place. I sincerely want to advance in my career and feel I have and want to be compensated accordingly. We shall see what God deems the outcome to be. It's in His hands now.
As I lay on my bed kneading my aching shoulders I also couldn't help but wonder: Am I being taught a fundamental principle of healthy relationships - that of asking and expecting to get what we need of others?
Am I making the right decision to ask? I hope so. I know my heart is in the right place. I sincerely want to advance in my career and feel I have and want to be compensated accordingly. We shall see what God deems the outcome to be. It's in His hands now.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Don't you generally think men just have it better than women?
Well, I dunno about having it better. I think that depends upon perspective. I don't think men have any more options than women do when it comes to dating. I've turned down so many men who want to date me. I'm sure they were disappointed. They also do make sacrifices. My father worked very long hours throughout my childhood so I could get an education and my mother could stay at home. He paid a heavy price for that - he missed out on my childhood. He's not happy about that but it he did it for my good. I appreciate not having loans!
I have a friend who turned down a job with the air force b/c he hopes to get married and have children and feels he can't be a good father if he travels constantly. That decision nearly broke his heart, flying fighter jets was his life dream. My mother's friend spent 4 years nursing his sick wife until she died. He still is so heart broken he can't remarry. So in essence, perhaps men don't pore over relationship books but do we really need them? I mean, isn't Evan and anyone else just telling us what we could learn ourselves? So many men have told me a fundamental male belief, it goes something like this: I feel like I can get along with almost any woman and I could make it work. I think men say this b/c they recognize their weakness and know they have to change.
Are there jerks? Yep, I've dated them. But knock on any guy's door and they'll tell you the horrible women they've dated too. I think it's a question of meeting the right guy. At some point in time as women we decide what we want and refuse anything else. So we stop responding to the emails that "just don't do it for us", we don't return the text and eventually we only let the good guys in. I'm now sincere with the men I meet. I'm looking for a man who knows he's good. He must earn my heart. But the beauty of a man is he's built to earn things. The more you expect a man to earn it the higher he'll rise to the challenge. This is what I adore about men. Have you heard the song "when a man loves a woman?" That's a fav. of mine. Good guys really do stand out in the pouring rain and she really can't do any wrong. That's just my perspective of course.
I have a friend who turned down a job with the air force b/c he hopes to get married and have children and feels he can't be a good father if he travels constantly. That decision nearly broke his heart, flying fighter jets was his life dream. My mother's friend spent 4 years nursing his sick wife until she died. He still is so heart broken he can't remarry. So in essence, perhaps men don't pore over relationship books but do we really need them? I mean, isn't Evan and anyone else just telling us what we could learn ourselves? So many men have told me a fundamental male belief, it goes something like this: I feel like I can get along with almost any woman and I could make it work. I think men say this b/c they recognize their weakness and know they have to change.
Are there jerks? Yep, I've dated them. But knock on any guy's door and they'll tell you the horrible women they've dated too. I think it's a question of meeting the right guy. At some point in time as women we decide what we want and refuse anything else. So we stop responding to the emails that "just don't do it for us", we don't return the text and eventually we only let the good guys in. I'm now sincere with the men I meet. I'm looking for a man who knows he's good. He must earn my heart. But the beauty of a man is he's built to earn things. The more you expect a man to earn it the higher he'll rise to the challenge. This is what I adore about men. Have you heard the song "when a man loves a woman?" That's a fav. of mine. Good guys really do stand out in the pouring rain and she really can't do any wrong. That's just my perspective of course.