When Facing Fear Run Towards It Instead of Away From It

Last year I began to wonder why my life had taken the turn it had. I started to doubt my decisions not to marry my college boyfriend or take that job in another state. My mother described me as restless but for the longest time I flatly denied it. I was convinced that what I wanted most was a husband and children. Problem is neither were in sight. Yet, I'm a firm believer that God works all things for good even when they don't appear to be even close to good. Here's the proof...

At 24 I met an extraordinary man. However, since he didn't match my suitable husband requirements, I quickly decided he'd be a fling. In fact, I told him I wasn't looking for marriage and just a good time. The not looking for marriage was me being nice to him...I didn't want to tell him that his infidel status was a turnoff to me. Quickly, and for the first time, I found myself falling in love, out of love and learning what it felt like to want to kill someone one minute and love them the next. It was he who allowed me to be my true self. He allowed me to live out my travel dreams, articulate my dislikes and even question my deep rooted faith. I've never fought with someone so much in my life. Our values were direct opposites. Of course, that fling turned into a 3 year relationship and now a best friend.

With the dark introvert, I found myself covering a lot of ground - literally. Traveling with the introvert meant never taking a taxi, overcoming the fear of trying something new and ending each night w/a drink. We were lowered into cenotes (underground caves), ate at dive restaurants (honestly I though food poisoning was inevitable) and did everything spur of the moment (a definite challenge for a planner like me). I quickly learned to overcome my fear for germs and eat from various lunch carts in other counties (he insisted we must live like the natives). He taught me getting lost was just part of the adventure. When we broke up I was initially devastated. I felt I was losing my best friend as well as a little bit of my dreams. Even now he reminds me that I really don't need anyone's help. I can and should do it alone. For the longest time I thought marriage and children would make me happiest. I had an image of aloneness that scared me speechless. It wasn't until I went to events alone, dined alone and struck up conversations everywhere that I've come to heartily agree with him.

I've found that we're never really alone, just surrounded by strangers. The opportunity to make a stranger a friend lies with me. The trick is to have fun everywhere and focus exclusively on the other person. I've come to realize my restless nature is a huge asset. I absolutely must really understand foreign cultures, languages and the people in them. I love to hear the stories and adventures of others.

I now appreciate that God didn't allow my desire to come true b/c there's a part of me that is most satisfied by my own achievements. Some of us really do need to be independent and find our own way alone. Funny thing is - I've been anything but alone in the process! In the end God knew a lot more about what I needed than I did!