For example, I recently went on date with a man who called me the following day to say he wasn’t jumping up and down to take me out again but he’d like to still get to know me. My most recent boyfriend (never asked me to be exclusive but told others I was his girlfriend) abandoned me at a hockey game and later told me I was overly dismissive of his needs. The x-boyfriend before then led me to believe we were dating for marriage only to turn around at the 3 year mark to say he never said marriage was in the future and it wasn’t a priority. After using a vacation day to help a friend with her small children, she told me I cared more for others than for her and accused me of being selfish.
Here’s the thing: beware of letting your desire for a thing override your desire to live for Christ and therefore be conformed into a godly person. It’s tempting to adjust our character to get along with others but the result can lead to the detriment of our faith.
For the longest time I wrestled with the idea that God wanted me to be alone, that He wanted me to learn to be content in aloneness. I found this task to be arduous. I’ve yearned to feel complete in just Christ but go nearly insane in the process! How do we learn to be made perfect (conforming absolutely to the description or definition of an ideal type) in our weakness/trial?
The answers come from James Chapter 1.
It’s important to understand that God is trying to teach us patience in order to perfect us (v.3). If you’re wondering why this trial has arisen or why you’re yielding to temptation begin praying and asking God for His wisdom in it. God will show you why you’re being tried and help you discover ways to remain steadfast in it. (v.5-6). There’s a blessing that will come from withstanding this trial/temptation. Realizing a blessing will follow the temptation should give us His joy (v.12). When in the trial and throughout life, be sure to listen attentively to others, contemplate your responses and be slow to get angry. (v.19). Be willing to learn in your trial. By remaining entrenched in God’s word, you’ll be able to receive meekly the lesson God is trying to teach. (v.21). Obedience is the key to being blessed in your trial. (v.24-25). I’ve asked for wisdom in this trial of aloneness. Here’s what God has shown me. I’ve broken out this “wisdom” by categories and have called them action steps.
Dating Action Steps:
• Do not agree to be exclusive with a man for at least 4 months. View this time period as a discovery process where the man is proving to you his value as a suitor.
• Do not lie to yourself. You’re ultimately dating to find a mate not a bunch of male friends. This means the man should be bringing small tokens of romance into the relationship.
• Do not associate with men who take little to no interest in you. He should be asking about your life, your interests and your values. He should be respecting what you like. Dates during this time period should revolve around you and not his desire to find a “buddy” for companionship.
• Do not verbalize these rules to the men you’re dating. Rather live them.
• If you start to see behavior that’s clearly a red flag, address it. If it’s not been modified after addressing it, move on.
• Do not under any circumstances meet a man ½ way. Do not stay overnight at his home. If you find yourself getting close to a bad situation, reschedule even if it’s at the last minute.
• Do not put more effort into getting to know a man than he’s putting into you.
• Do not for any circumstance call a man-ever (at least for the first 4 months).
• If a man isn’t requesting exclusivity by 6 months, assume he’s not interested in that. Even if you like him, get along with him etc. remove yourself. If he likes you enough, he’ll ask why the sudden disinterest.
• Always be willing to date more than one man at a time if the need arises.
• Never be too available, share too much info about your life, your friends etc.
• It’s ok to invite him to meet your friends if it’s casual. You need their input. You want to see this guy in as many circumstances as possible.
• Stick to your guns about your values. I say it again, stick to your guns! You do not and should not expose yourself to anything that makes you uncomfortable.
• It’s ok and perhaps advisable to meet a man initially for fun activities rather than dinner. Dinner when you don’t know someone can be tough.
• Again, you are not dating to meet male friends. You have enough of those in your own circle. You are looking for romance and possibly more.
• While you aren’t expecting to meet your soul mate right away in dating because you believe in seeing where each relationship goes, you aren’t looking for a pal. You aren’t looking to go ½ on the bill. You’re looking for a man who opens doors, pays the bill graciously, plans enjoyable outings and entertains you. If he’s nice but you’re not into him, you’re happy to remain friends. If he’s not nice than forget it.
• Pray for each and every date you’re exposed to. Pray over the responses, the initial asking and for the person. God will give you the wisdom in how to proceed.
Life Action Steps:
• If you don’t like your job, then start studying for the GMAT. Remember that nothing in life comes without hard work and dedication. More money comes from proving you’ve worked hard to get there.
• Say hello and learn the names of everyone you encounter. Don’t be afraid to initiate conversation.
• Introduce yourself to everyone you don’ t know. If you recall meeting someone but don’t know their name, where you met etc. don’t make excuses, simply reintroduce yourself and state that you know them somehow. None of us are infallible.
• Routine, routine, routine. Get into one. Work out regularly. Go to church weekly. Read your Bible daily.
• Return phone calls within the same day or send a text, e-mail etc. stating when. The only time this isn’t appropriate is in dating!
• Always be patient with others. God requires patience.
• Think long and hard before you speak. Weigh your words and their meaning before making a response.
Making Friends Action Steps:
• Don’t go to events that you normally wouldn’t or that compromise your faith. For example, cocktail hours will attract drinkers. Go to activities that won’t cause you to jeopardize your beliefs.
• Be a friend. That means be happy when a friend is happy and sad for them when they’re sad.
• Be willing to listen and don’t offer advice unless it’s solicited.
• Try to get along with everyone.
• A friend should take an interest in your activities and vice versa. You should take care of each other.
• Treat a friend to dinner once in a while.
• Never come to dinner empty handed.
• Always be a blessing to those you encounter.
• Always put your needs last but be sure you’re friends are doing the same.
Misc. Action Steps:
• Accept what you can’t change about yourself and that isn’t a sin. (ex. I’m a foodie to the core, I love counseling people and traveling but while I appreciate nature and love it, I can’t camp or hike for a week straight. I love adventure but my idea of adventure is touring a foreign city, learning of its culture and drinking in the locals.)
• Discipline yourself to make time for you. That means paying moderate attention to your appearance, dress etc.
• Be authentic. It’s ok to state your preferences, just don’t lord them over others.
Obedience to God’s will is initially difficult. Creating a routine and being firm in your beliefs is challenging but not impossible. Put all things before God in pray, then take a leap of faith. You’d be amazed at the outcome!
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