The Calling - Part 1 - Called to Loneliness

We must focus on what God has for us today. Patience is a life learned lesson and with each trial we learn how to wait. Waiting and patience require the person to submit to God, to trust Him for the provision and to abandon all of one's heart to the Maker of all things. It isn't an easy lesson to learn but it's a lesson that brings the greatest source of peace.

Last night I sat on my bed and cried. It was an emotional week but all went so well that I wondered why the tears? Tears can sometimes come from places other than sadness; they can come from fatigue, frustration or even from lacking the ability to speak to our Master. Last night I felt the Holy Spirit asking me to abandon my search for a husband and instead to fix my search on Christ. This of course means me removing myself from the online dating world and enduring inevitable spurts of extreme loneliness for an undetermined amount of time.

Yet I felt Him wooing me and telling me that my husband is alive and praying for me. That he has also put his request before Christ and it's now up for Jesus to bring us together. Having a Christian husband would be more than my heart's desire. Yet I felt so strongly that this man is living, that God will put us together and knit our hearts in Jesus love. Relationships and intimacy can't exist without Christ in the midst of them. Something will be missing. I want what I had with my mother. I'm not saying I want my mother but I'm saying that I want the union we had. It was intimate, completely selfless on both sides, allowed for vulnerability on both parties, mutually encouraging, inspiring and pure. It was meant to be. I was born to my mother and she was given to me by God. I want that relationship again only this time in romance. I don't mean I'm looking for my mother all over again but rather the type of relationship that's a gift from heaven. It must be given from Christ himself.

Lord, I trust you to give me this. You know I'm alone in this world and have little fellowship with those around me. I know you've always considered my heart, my frame and my needs. I give this to you. Help me to trust you. Help me not to despair. Help me to know you through this time. Your will be done. I'd like to say I hope you have my will in mind but crazy as I sound, I believe you've led me to where I am. That will lead me to this man and that we'll both know when we meet. I believe I'm asking in Your will. Just help me with the doubts, the fear and the longing.