When the phone stops, the texts cease and life is lonely

The title to this post sounds like the starts to some great lyrics. In early April I vowed not to speak to my IT x-boyfriend or my then current lawyer boyfriend. I made a decision on April 17th to devote myself once again to Jesus. I knew full well that decision would cost me dearly in companionship.

Since then most Friday nights have been spent cooking for Dad and watching TV movies. I spend Saturdays running errands and somehow manage to see some strangers through a meetup group or other event. I munch on brunch at a local diner, always alone. There have been a few tears but nothing noteworthy. No emotional breakdowns, no phoning ex's and only minimal facebook stalking. Yet, with almost all my friends married, it's a bit tough to be facing 30 next year without a life partner. I pray this year that God send me my husband and the co-builder of my future. I've decided not to "search" for him but rather to "search" for Jesus instead.

I have loneliness but it's not despair. Jesus has clothed me in hope, surrounded me with dignity and graced me with joy. Even in the loneliest of moments (last Friday I had no contact with anyone and didn't speak to a soul until 5:30 p.m. on Saturday), I've found that with prayer the mood is lifted and joy returns. We can walk through the valley of baca and make it well. We can come to the garden of the Lord and rest in His sanctuary. His presence is the garden and the flowers His fruit. We can walk through the valley of the shadow of death and fear no evil because somehow, you are always there. You're in our conscience, You've penetrated our hearts and pierced through the sole.

I know that in Your time, you're going to find me my other half. I've read all the books Lord, listened to the wisdom that says to network for men, talk to everyone and everything and "work" at finding someone because they don't just come to you. Here's the thing...I know he'll just come to me. You'll make our paths straight, you'll cause us to meet during everyday life & in the time it takes to sigh, life will have changed towards the marriage, the children and the country life I desire. It's a season. It's training ground. Thank you that You never leave. Help me to have patience in tribulation, trust in adversity and faith when making decisions that will clearly effect my life. Guide me with Your wisdom, lead me in the right path and reassure me I've made the right decision.

The Coffee Date?

Last weekend, over Memorial Day, I threw a BBQ at my house. A few people came and someone new but not so new to me. A guy came who invited me to a Halloween party in 2008, only to show up with his female friend! Halloween boy showed up with another friend to my Memorial day picnic! Go figure. He later asked me for coffee. I turned him down tonight. Am I nuts? Thing is, at this stage in my life I want a man who's established in Christ, his career and himself. I want someone that Jesus has made whole. After Halloween boy ate all my food, didn't help clean up (not that anyone else did either) and dissed me 2 years ago, is this who I want? He asked me for coffee. If someone has seen me for dinner, come to my picnic and seen me at Halloween...isn't it time for the man to show some interest? I think a man of God should be willing to be generous with a woman from the start. I no longer have any interest in being on trial for date zero when essentially the man has had enough interaction to decide whether a date is of interest.

Coffee is date zero from the internet. If you'd spoken to the girl...ask her for a real date so you can prove you have your act together. Prove you're a man of honor.

The Ultimate Relationship

I wish I could express to you the joy that comes from knowing Christ (Eph 3:17-19). As the anxieties and cares of life mount our hearts, we reach the summit feeling discouraged and exhausted. In those moments I've learned to turn to Him and seek His Fatherly counsel. As the Fatherly relationship has grown, my heart has been healing (Is. 61:3). He's bound my wounds, poured healing ointment into them and when need be, redresses them. Sometimes old wounds resurface. When they resurface we bring them back to Him. We ask Him to heal them once again. The beauty is we can continue to bring them to Him and He'll patiently heal. It's from the healing, the love and tender care of our beautiful Gardner that we learn it's possible to love others. Yes, we can marry and stay married. Yes, we can raise godly children. Yes, I can love that earthly father who seems so silly at times. What we can do with Christ is endless.

God Puts the Solitary in Families

As the train jostled me through northern New Jersey and paused at Penn station, my heart was humming; I was heading North to the land that I love. I know I've arrived in New England because the landscape begins to turn different shades of grey and blue. While living there, the lack of color on houses depressed me but upon my return, it was exhilarating. New England juts into a sapphire-grey ocean, has skies blended with periwinkle and grey and is filled with a demur, reserved people whose manners mark the landscape.

I was heading to Boston, the grand lady ensconced in grey and bejeweled with pearls. It's a beautiful thing to be able to pause in life sometimes; to take in your surroundings, mull over the past and wonder over the present. Every time I arrive in Boston I feel her magic. She massages my mental urge to constantly think and helps me to reflect on life's occurrences with serenity. Pause I did. So much has happened in a sliver of time. I chose my mother's headstone, decided to save enough money to move out and gave way to admitting what I truly want. Making life decisions can be hard but I'm learning to put my small lily white hand in my Heavenly Father's large, unchanging one. For most of my life I craved the sense of belonging to a family. I felt isolated as an only child and so alone. After losing my mother, I felt myself slipping further into isolation and wondering how I'd ever get out. What's the solution to loneliness and was I meant to feel utterly alone forever?

Through all the questions I clung to one hope, the scripture that states "God puts the solitary in families". A father of the fatherless and a judge for the widows, Is God in His holy habitation. 6 God makes a home for the lonely; He leads out the prisoners into prosperity, Only the rebellious dwell in a parched land. Psalms 68

The Apology

I took the weekend to think about what you said and what we fought about. I also took some time to pray as well and examine my heart and motives. Here's what I have to say (& I promise it won't be painful)...

I'm sorry you were uncomfortable at the hockey game and agree that Mary Jo's behavior and that of her friend's was immature. While I don't agree with all of Mary Jo's ways, I do admire her ability to forgive and her empathy. She's often cried with me over my own losses and has listened faithfully through all my woes for the last 2 years. I count her a dear friend. I'm sorry I took your observation of her so seriously, I guess it's b/c I'm extremely devouted to those I love and tend to grossly overlook their flaws and hoped you could overlook them too. I shouldn't have become so offended by your observation.

Here's what I'm most sad about...you made mention of feeling foolish during your pursuit of me. At the time I was taken aback but in retrospect I should've been more understanding. I mean this from the heart, no one has ever been so sincere and open hearted with me as you have been. It touched me from the start. I'm not naturally a trusting a person and normally am not overly excited at the onset of a potential relationship, yet I freely mentioned to my friends about your touching texts on Friday night, the surprise of chocolate covered pretzels at my desk and your excitement about sharing time with me. Your pursuit was certainly a standout! I'm sorry you didn't realize that or feel recognized in your endeavors. I wasn't keeping track rather just making an attempt to trust you. The hard part to convey is little by little your romantic ways were softening me toward you. I'll never forget our kiss in NY and it being in another state.

As time went by I began to be a bit more nervous. We hadn't "defined" our relationship and I'm a "definer" by nature. I started getting uncomfortable but didn't want to push by discussing being exclusive etc. I felt it would come. I didn't realize my confusion and frustration was translating to you...sorry. During that time I also began to deepen my faith. Funny, your courage/refusal to conform gave me the courage to once again forge into my faith without my mother's support. For that I'm thankful. I'm happiest being "religious" but often feel isolated in it. Nonetheless as that started to happen, the physical side of our relationship was coming full tilt. I wanted it to and was so excited b/c you made me feel so desired. It was all such a new feeling and was really exciting...yet I knew my "religious" take wouldn't support my new feelings. I was at a cross road and you were stuck in the middle.

That's why the other weekend I stopped you, I didn't want to go forward but was also aware that this might hurt you. I held off having the conversation b/c I hoped I could somehow come to a personal compromise (unlikely). Here's the thing I sense and want to reassure you (hope I'm not overstepping my bounds)...I feel your a bit self conscience in the way you look and yet, Michael there's nothing to be self conscience about! If you want to head to the gym to feel better - that's great but not necessary. You're perfect as you. That being said, of late I want to make the decision to hold off on sexual things. Old fashioned I am. Idealist...definitely. It's so hard for me to say that I want the next man I sleep with to be my husband. Our society doesn't support that endeavor anymore at all. Yet, I'm not the kind of person that can go from man to man and end up ok. I've seen countless of my friends wait (I'm serious) and honestly, they have the happiest marriages. I look at them with sheer happiness. Years later they're still happy and excited to be with eachother. They made a commitment to God and themselves and it's paid off.

In terms of flame, I think we had/have it and I've never had it before. I have to thank you for proving to me that it exists. Passion is important to me. I'm just sorry that you felt so foolish or so discouraged. It was never my intent to hurt you, confuse you, make you "work" at a relationship or anything else. I'll always want you to realize your dreams and make them a reality and yes, I would rescue you if you were drowing in ice cold water.

Anyways, it's ok if you don't respond b/c you can't or don't want to. I don't want to justify myself or whatever. I just didn't want you to walk away discouraged. Thank you for being you and giving me the courage to be me.

When Facing Fear Run Towards It Instead of Away From It

Last year I began to wonder why my life had taken the turn it had. I started to doubt my decisions not to marry my college boyfriend or take that job in another state. My mother described me as restless but for the longest time I flatly denied it. I was convinced that what I wanted most was a husband and children. Problem is neither were in sight. Yet, I'm a firm believer that God works all things for good even when they don't appear to be even close to good. Here's the proof...

At 24 I met an extraordinary man. However, since he didn't match my suitable husband requirements, I quickly decided he'd be a fling. In fact, I told him I wasn't looking for marriage and just a good time. The not looking for marriage was me being nice to him...I didn't want to tell him that his infidel status was a turnoff to me. Quickly, and for the first time, I found myself falling in love, out of love and learning what it felt like to want to kill someone one minute and love them the next. It was he who allowed me to be my true self. He allowed me to live out my travel dreams, articulate my dislikes and even question my deep rooted faith. I've never fought with someone so much in my life. Our values were direct opposites. Of course, that fling turned into a 3 year relationship and now a best friend.

With the dark introvert, I found myself covering a lot of ground - literally. Traveling with the introvert meant never taking a taxi, overcoming the fear of trying something new and ending each night w/a drink. We were lowered into cenotes (underground caves), ate at dive restaurants (honestly I though food poisoning was inevitable) and did everything spur of the moment (a definite challenge for a planner like me). I quickly learned to overcome my fear for germs and eat from various lunch carts in other counties (he insisted we must live like the natives). He taught me getting lost was just part of the adventure. When we broke up I was initially devastated. I felt I was losing my best friend as well as a little bit of my dreams. Even now he reminds me that I really don't need anyone's help. I can and should do it alone. For the longest time I thought marriage and children would make me happiest. I had an image of aloneness that scared me speechless. It wasn't until I went to events alone, dined alone and struck up conversations everywhere that I've come to heartily agree with him.

I've found that we're never really alone, just surrounded by strangers. The opportunity to make a stranger a friend lies with me. The trick is to have fun everywhere and focus exclusively on the other person. I've come to realize my restless nature is a huge asset. I absolutely must really understand foreign cultures, languages and the people in them. I love to hear the stories and adventures of others.

I now appreciate that God didn't allow my desire to come true b/c there's a part of me that is most satisfied by my own achievements. Some of us really do need to be independent and find our own way alone. Funny thing is - I've been anything but alone in the process! In the end God knew a lot more about what I needed than I did!

Small Talk Isn't Just for Introverts

My dating life is lagging and to add insult to injury I'm meeting the most socially awkward men. I started to wonder if I myself am socially awkward? As an outgoing person with little fear when it comes to talking, I've learned something. I love to talk about myself and can do so all night. Am I coming off to others as being self-centered when in reality I'm known by my friends as being caring, compassionate and loyal?

On an episode of the Millionaire Matchmaker, a dater exclaimed that he was always attracting very extroverted women which he didn't want. The dater was a bit of a quiet person. Patty's response? If he wanted to attract less outgoing women, he'd have to become more outgoing.

My observation: the dater was more aggresive than he was comfortable with and needed to be more comfortable being aggressive. How does this relate to me? As a talkative person, I attract the socially awkward. At first I thought that meant I should become less talkative. I don't think so. I think I need to fine tune my talking by focusing on the person I'm conversing with. I'm already a socially savvy person. By fine tuning my conversational skills, I'll be able to showcase the best me.  My conversations aren't reflecting that because I fear asking the wrong questions or having an inability to relate to the other person.

That's an easy fix though. I googled a few small talk topics such as: small talk techniques & small talk topics. Then I started practising. I've put together my own learning bullet points below as a quick start guide to gaining confidence on "getting out there" and show casing the real me.

• Small talk is one way of blessing someone by helping them feel more comfortable in a situation

• The goal is to learn about the other person and not to tell the other person about you

• Practice, practice, practice. That means throwing yourself into social situations you normally wouldn't enter

• Use the technique called "A.O.R." - Ask, Observe, Reveal. That means you're asking a question (or using some kind of icebreaker), observing the other person by digesting their response and relating to the other person by revealing something about yourself (e.g. adding to the conversation)

• It's ok to talk about yourself if it's a brief vignette and you're relating to what the other has said

• Do not attempt to hog the conversation

• Never interrupt. If you do so accidently, apologize

• Pay close attention to introductions. Be sure you can pronounce the person's name and use it often throughout the conversation so you remember it

• Ask questions that require follow-up questions

• Only ask non-personal questions that aren't threatening to a new person

• React to what a person says in a manner that's appropriate (if it's a joke, laugh even if it's not funny; if they're revealing something that's supposed to be insightful, respond as though it's been insightful-even if it isn’t). This creates a connection and leaves the person feeling fulfilled

• Skip motives (getting a date, finding a job) and just learn about the other person...enjoy the conversation

• Not every conversation will lead to a friend, contact or networking opportunity and that’s ok. Sometimes the purpose is to bless someone else, sometimes it's a blessing for you and sometimes it's a mutual blessing

• Don't be negative. Keep things light and positive. Your company should be a pleasure

• Make and maintain eye contact throughout the conversation.

• Listen closely for things you have in common. Then use that commonality to ask a follow-up question

• Keep things short and casual. When meeting someone new, understand that certain personal topics are off limits

• Smile constantly, laugh easily and be breezy. You're company should be pleasurable

• Don't reveal things about yourself that would make the other uncomfortable (a recent death, a health problem)

• Know when to end the conversation. Use body language and verbal cues. If the other person isn't contributing to the conversation and is starting to look around the room, it's time to cut it short

• Exit with grace (perhaps leave for the restroom, to refresh your drink, or check your BlackBerry)

• Realize that small talk is a great way of expanding your perspective

I started practicing these tips at recent "friending" event and at an Asian American Networking event (yes, I'm not Asian!) and have had great success. Happy practicing!

The Calling

At the age of 16 I vowed I would make a difference in the lives of children. At the time, I had no idea how to make the vision a reality. Through time my vision began to become my calling. My calling would wax and wane which always confused me. I was discouraged when I didn't see God planting any serving opportunities in my path. By my mid-20s I had nearly given up my calling. Perhaps it was all just a "feeling" and not really backed by God? That is until last year when I was on the brink of singlehood and wondering how to use my free time. I brushed the cobwebs off my calling and one day stumbled across CASA's website; quickly I attended an information session. My heart began to sore when I realized perhaps my calling was about to come true. Could this be what God wanted? To my dismay, I learned some daytime weekday hours were required. Without even speaking to my employer, I decided to archive this volunteer opportunity. I reasoned there was no way my firm would ever give me the time off needed to make volunteering a reality. Besides, working with children this hurt and neglected would surely be difficult.

A year later after another crushing relationship ended, I began to turn my heart to the Lord. It was difficult to realize that He was requiring uttermost obedience to His will. I quickly realized the blessings of my life were being withheld because of my own unwillingness to follow His call and direction.

A most extraordinary thing occurred. Last month our secretarial manager asked me to post an advertisement on our firm's website. It was announcing the arrival of CASA to the firm. CASA would be discussing how employees of the firm could volunteer. It was a blinding statement of my next course. It was a course I wasn't quite up for following.

I began studying for the GMAT. I decided I hated being an assistant, such a demeaning title; I wanted to be an accountant so I could make more money to support myself. I felt I needed to move out of my father's house and become a real grown-up. The thing is, as I began studying I became more and more weighted with my calling. I began to get the feeling and urge from the Holy Spirit that I was to remain at the firm and volunteer. It seemed evident that my finances and desires for freedom should be put in His hands. I was convicted for not trusting Christ to take care of me. Here's what led to the confirmation of all these spiritual feelings (which I avoid trusting in, I don't believe Christianity is the psychic friends network).

CASA's volunteer information session at the firm is in March. I vow to be the first person through the door. I'm leaving the rest of my desires (for my own place, more pay & single friends) to His safe keeping.

On Being Tested & Taking Action Steps

I’m going through a trial and while in this trial, I’ve failed miserably. Temptation and trials are essentially the same thing. Think of the experience as a planet with multiple moons orbiting around the planet. The planet is the trial while the moons are the various temptations that arise out of the trial. In my case, I’m being tried for my fear of aloneness. This fear has caused me to blur my Christian boundaries to a point a point of nonexistence. I’ve become a people pleaser set on befriending everyone, have been abused in the process and have been almost forced to completely shut down.

For example, I recently went on date with a man who called me the following day to say he wasn’t jumping up and down to take me out again but he’d like to still get to know me. My most recent boyfriend (never asked me to be exclusive but told others I was his girlfriend) abandoned me at a hockey game and later told me I was overly dismissive of his needs. The x-boyfriend before then led me to believe we were dating for marriage only to turn around at the 3 year mark to say he never said marriage was in the future and it wasn’t a priority. After using a vacation day to help a friend with her small children, she told me I cared more for others than for her and accused me of being selfish.

Here’s the thing: beware of letting your desire for a thing override your desire to live for Christ and therefore be conformed into a godly person. It’s tempting to adjust our character to get along with others but the result can lead to the detriment of our faith.

For the longest time I wrestled with the idea that God wanted me to be alone, that He wanted me to learn to be content in aloneness. I found this task to be arduous. I’ve yearned to feel complete in just Christ but go nearly insane in the process! How do we learn to be made perfect (conforming absolutely to the description or definition of an ideal type) in our weakness/trial?

The answers come from James Chapter 1.

It’s important to understand that God is trying to teach us patience in order to perfect us (v.3). If you’re wondering why this trial has arisen or why you’re yielding to temptation begin praying and asking God for His wisdom in it. God will show you why you’re being tried and help you discover ways to remain steadfast in it. (v.5-6). There’s a blessing that will come from withstanding this trial/temptation. Realizing a blessing will follow the temptation should give us His joy (v.12). When in the trial and throughout life, be sure to listen attentively to others, contemplate your responses and be slow to get angry. (v.19). Be willing to learn in your trial. By remaining entrenched in God’s word, you’ll be able to receive meekly the lesson God is trying to teach. (v.21). Obedience is the key to being blessed in your trial. (v.24-25). I’ve asked for wisdom in this trial of aloneness. Here’s what God has shown me. I’ve broken out this “wisdom” by categories and have called them action steps.

Dating Action Steps:
• Do not agree to be exclusive with a man for at least 4 months. View this time period as a discovery process where the man is proving to you his value as a suitor.
• Do not lie to yourself. You’re ultimately dating to find a mate not a bunch of male friends. This means the man should be bringing small tokens of romance into the relationship.
• Do not associate with men who take little to no interest in you. He should be asking about your life, your interests and your values. He should be respecting what you like. Dates during this time period should revolve around you and not his desire to find a “buddy” for companionship.
• Do not verbalize these rules to the men you’re dating. Rather live them.
• If you start to see behavior that’s clearly a red flag, address it. If it’s not been modified after addressing it, move on.
• Do not under any circumstances meet a man ½ way. Do not stay overnight at his home. If you find yourself getting close to a bad situation, reschedule even if it’s at the last minute.
• Do not put more effort into getting to know a man than he’s putting into you.
• Do not for any circumstance call a man-ever (at least for the first 4 months).
• If a man isn’t requesting exclusivity by 6 months, assume he’s not interested in that. Even if you like him, get along with him etc. remove yourself. If he likes you enough, he’ll ask why the sudden disinterest.
• Always be willing to date more than one man at a time if the need arises.
• Never be too available, share too much info about your life, your friends etc.
• It’s ok to invite him to meet your friends if it’s casual. You need their input. You want to see this guy in as many circumstances as possible.
• Stick to your guns about your values. I say it again, stick to your guns! You do not and should not expose yourself to anything that makes you uncomfortable.
• It’s ok and perhaps advisable to meet a man initially for fun activities rather than dinner. Dinner when you don’t know someone can be tough.
• Again, you are not dating to meet male friends. You have enough of those in your own circle. You are looking for romance and possibly more.
• While you aren’t expecting to meet your soul mate right away in dating because you believe in seeing where each relationship goes, you aren’t looking for a pal. You aren’t looking to go ½ on the bill. You’re looking for a man who opens doors, pays the bill graciously, plans enjoyable outings and entertains you. If he’s nice but you’re not into him, you’re happy to remain friends. If he’s not nice than forget it.
• Pray for each and every date you’re exposed to. Pray over the responses, the initial asking and for the person. God will give you the wisdom in how to proceed.

Life Action Steps:
• If you don’t like your job, then start studying for the GMAT. Remember that nothing in life comes without hard work and dedication. More money comes from proving you’ve worked hard to get there.
• Say hello and learn the names of everyone you encounter. Don’t be afraid to initiate conversation.
• Introduce yourself to everyone you don’ t know. If you recall meeting someone but don’t know their name, where you met etc. don’t make excuses, simply reintroduce yourself and state that you know them somehow. None of us are infallible.
• Routine, routine, routine. Get into one. Work out regularly. Go to church weekly. Read your Bible daily.
• Return phone calls within the same day or send a text, e-mail etc. stating when. The only time this isn’t appropriate is in dating!
• Always be patient with others. God requires patience.
• Think long and hard before you speak. Weigh your words and their meaning before making a response.

Making Friends Action Steps:
• Don’t go to events that you normally wouldn’t or that compromise your faith. For example, cocktail hours will attract drinkers. Go to activities that won’t cause you to jeopardize your beliefs.
• Be a friend. That means be happy when a friend is happy and sad for them when they’re sad.
• Be willing to listen and don’t offer advice unless it’s solicited.
• Try to get along with everyone.
• A friend should take an interest in your activities and vice versa. You should take care of each other.
• Treat a friend to dinner once in a while.
• Never come to dinner empty handed.
• Always be a blessing to those you encounter.
• Always put your needs last but be sure you’re friends are doing the same.

Misc. Action Steps:
• Accept what you can’t change about yourself and that isn’t a sin. (ex. I’m a foodie to the core, I love counseling people and traveling but while I appreciate nature and love it, I can’t camp or hike for a week straight. I love adventure but my idea of adventure is touring a foreign city, learning of its culture and drinking in the locals.)
• Discipline yourself to make time for you. That means paying moderate attention to your appearance, dress etc.
• Be authentic. It’s ok to state your preferences, just don’t lord them over others.

Obedience to God’s will is initially difficult. Creating a routine and being firm in your beliefs is challenging but not impossible. Put all things before God in pray, then take a leap of faith. You’d be amazed at the outcome!

When The Soul is Waiting

Last weekend my boyfriend (if we can call him that; he never asked me to be exclusive) disappointed me in his treatment towards me. His disrespect and lack of feeling towards me had me asking a critical question. The question was "why is it that most men are disrespectful to me?". The answer to that question is saved for another post but the outcome is for this one.

I spent the weekend with my best friend, S. We relived our college days of sorts by spending an extended period of time together talking and growing. I can't thank God enough for her and her forbearance with me while I pondered me, their mistreatment and my own issues surrounding it.

I began to cry out from the heart God have you forgotten me? Lord, what's wrong with me? Are you going to leave me alone forever?

The heavens were locked in silence. It wasn't until Wednesday that I saw Him work. I joined the local fitness center and who was there? A co-worker who mysteriously began talking to me a few weeks back. She's agreed to train me and will give me some free training sessions during her down time. Thursday morning brought a text from T & subsequent e-mails. My drive from work was the most telling. It was during that time that I felt my heart begin to soften and His words come to me.

Do you remember when you were young...how jubilant you were for me? You were my sweet little girl. You've always wanted to be daddy's little girl but what you neglect to realize is that you've always been mine. When you were nearly lost in the womb, I saved you. When you're near the brink of a break-down, I send someone to you. I will never leave or forsake you. You've looked for a love story in a man but I've written one between you and me. Your story has begun. It's a story of a little girl who's life was almost snuffed out, about a savior who always saved and a woman who's finding her voice. It was I who told your mother you'd be OK. I assured her that you and I would never part. You're OK. It's time to stand up for Truth and avoid evil.

It was then that I realized the blessings of God. I'm thankful that when we wait on Him; he always shows up. His love never ends and His acceptance is forever. Don't try to anger Him, rather try to please Him. Your greatest joy and strength will come from doing His will. In keeping His will we see our hearts grounded and our ways become established.

Solace should never be feared. It's in solace that we learn to find peace and contentment. It's in solace that we hear the cherished, loved voice of our Shephard.

May he guide you today in His everlasting love and may He bring you peace.

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Lamentations 3:24 & 40 (New International Version)

24 I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him."
40 Let us examine our ways and test them,
and let us return to the LORD.


My soul, hast thou pondered these words, "Be still, and know"? In the hour of perturbation, thou canst not hear the answer to thy prayers. How often has the answer seemed to come long after I The heart got no response in the moment of its crying--in its thunder, its earthquake, and its fire. But when the crying ceased, when the stillness fell, when thy hand desisted from knocking on the iron gate, when the interest of other lives broke the tragedy of thine own, then appeared the long-delayed reply. Thou must rest, O soul, if thou wouldst have thy heart's desire. Still the beating of thy pulse of personal care. Hide thy tempest of individual trouble behind the altar of a common tribulation and, that same night, the Lord shall appear to thee. The rainbow shall span the place of the subsiding flood, and in thy stillness thou shalt hear the everlasting music. --George Matheson (taken from Streams in The Dessert by Mrs. Charles E. Cowman 1/14/10)


You have been in the storms and swept by the blasts. Have they left you broken, weary, beaten in the valley, or have they lifted you to the sunlit summits of a richer, deeper, more abiding manhood and womanhood? Have they left you with more sympathy with the storm-swept and the battle-scarred? --Selected (taken from Streams in The Dessert by Mrs. Charles E. Cowman 1/15/10)

Getting Starting on Starting Over -- AGAIN

As my love life quickly unravels in 2010 and I'm ever marching towards my 30s, I've decided to take absolute and complete control of my life - all of it. 2010 will be the year of male detox, adventure and self-discovery. For the time-being I'm going to archive my desire for relationship/marriage and instead focus on some "itty bitty" stuff that's been hedging me in all these years. Some of it's getting to be a real drag. Where's all this coming from you ask?

Remember that lawyer who lent me "Catch-22"? Well, we dated for 3 months and he promptly dumped me. How'd he dump me is the question? When he refused to care at all for my safety and I refused to go along with it, he marched out my car and I haven't spoken to him since. The story isn't that interesting but it is a repeat tragedy of men who think nothing of abusing, forsaking or even better - ignoring me. I've decided it's time for me to GET A LIFE and stop repeating the same old patterns. The area of people ignoring me, taking advantage of me and disrespecting me is boiling all around me. I have friends, a parent and past boyfriends all cobbling together to win the "I'm the most selfish person of the year" award.

I'm not doing this without a support system. In my quest to finding eternal love, I lost the one I had - that with Jesus. We've known each other for 28 years now and somehow I forgot how important he is to me. He is first. There's no compromise. I accidentally headed the comments of well-meaning friends and family who told me a religious man doesn't exist, or I'm too picky. That's bad advice. A man of values, manners and who's still interesting exists. Only this time I'm not going to find him. He'll find me as I'm living my life to the fullest, serving God the best way I know how and teaching others the same. It's time to lean on Christ, keep the secret place of prayer, healing and ultimate salvation. It's time to die to myself and live for Him. This will mean something new for me - being authentic to my beliefs not only inwardly but outwardly. It means living it regardless of the consequences. Through the years my beliefs have cost me...but "He is no fool to lose what he cannot keep, to gain what he cannot lose" ~ Jim Elliot.

Funny thing...I think that slashing off my dreams and letting them float away will actually bring them round again. Let's let go of the dreams for now (b/c they're idols) and grasp hold of spiritual blessings and work towards what's practical.

Let's get started. Join me on the journey if you dare. We'll go day-by-day, delve into prayer, Biblical scriptures and supporting books. I'll sort it all out, talk it out to others and keep it ever before Christ. Happy new decade and happy new me!

GOAL SETTING:
Intellectual Goals:
Order the following used books from Amazon.com:
All The Rules by Ellen Fein & Sherrie Schneider

How to Get a Date Worth Keeping by Dr. Henry Cloud Become Your Own Matchmaker by Patti Stranger

Research alternate career paths including requd education
Continue to work full steam ahead on my career at the Firm
Compile & Review articles on Small Talk
Follow current events (including politics, television, movies etc)

Practice:
Join NJ Young Professionals & start going out!

Physical Goals:
Get on a no miss life routine! (bed early, workout in a.m., prayer, Bible reading, responsiveness & being responsible for my time)
Clean cat box 4x a week
Work out 5x a week
Eat mainly veggies (high cholesterol) -- boo!
Order return address stamps & personalized calling cards
Begin sending thoughtful notes to friends

Spiritual Goals:
Attend church at minimum -- weekly
Read Bible & do thoughtful journal writing -- daily

In Progress:
Head to John Mayer concert alone -- ticket purchased
Find one learning event & attend alone -- TBD

PS - this is all not to get a man but actually to get a life. Let's see how well I do being alone. Trust me I'm alone. My phone rings 2x a week & I get texts rarely.

Self: If you don't have someone to lean on, it may be because God already knows you don't need someone.

The Three Day Rule

I recall my mother telling me numerous times growing up that she knew throughout my childhood when I needed a nap. Apparently I would begin to "short circuit", as she called it, whenever I was tired or depleted. It was then that she would urge me to sleep. The funny thing about adulthood is that we don't seem to change that much. We grow taller but our characters are very much the same. I still "short circuit" when I'm under great duress and the only difference is I can't nap when I need to.

My mother once told me the best ways to avoid an explosion of possibly harmful words and/or actions was to be mindful of the following:

• James 1:19-20 (New King James Version) http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=James+1:18-20&version=NKJV
  So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath; for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God.
• When hurt by the words or actions of others, if you aren't the offender but rather the offended, give yourself what I call the 3 day rule: wait three days before confronting the person. If on the third day you still remember the offense, you know it's something that probably needs to be worked out.
• If you're the offender - don't wait three days, rather apologize for any wrong immediately.
• Wrath means desiring vengeance or punishment for wrong while anger is being strongly displeased in something.
• You can be angry and not sin; meaning you don't want revenge but you were terribly displeased.
• Ephesians 4:26-27 (New King James Version) http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Ephesians+4:25-27&version=NKJV
  26 “Be angry, and do not sin”: do not let the sun go down on your wrath, nor give place to the devil.

So it seems that anger is a natural reaction to life's events. God calls us to keep our anger in check, to deliberately hold back our reactions and to confront only when necessary. After all, isn't love the covering for wrongs?

Proverbs 10:12 (New King James Version) http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Proverbs+10:11-13&version=NKJV
Hatred stirs up strife, But love covers all sins.

1 Peter 4:8 (New King James Version) http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1%20Peter%204:8&version=NKJV
And above all things have fervent love for one another, for “love will cover a multitude of sins.”

A Bad Day

The glow of the alarm clock revealed it was 5:30 a.m. The atmosphere was dark as night; a white chill hovered in the air above my nest of blankets. With heart pounding, I popped open my laptop and began to read my devotions. An ominous feeling still clung to the air and swirled around my heart causing great anxiety.

Since I had several hours to kill, I brought out my winter clothes and set to work organizing them. Before long it was 8:30 a.m. and work was only 1/2 hour away. I plunged into the office with optimism until I read my e-mail. My day's assignment was to produce 7 copies of strategic recruiting notes. By 6:30 p.m. the project was done. I was forced to miss Wednesday's Bible study and found myself waiting at what was supposed to be a fast food restaurant. After 20 minutes waiting in line, I was finally seated at a murky table smeared with last week's ketchup

It had been the kind of day that was nerve splitting and tiresome. Weariness was filling me heart. All I wanted to do was to come home to someone, to someone who cared. I knew that wasn't possible. This was my burden to bear alone. Tonight as I type I whisper a prayer within my heart, paste a stamp on it and send it off to heaven. I pray tomorrow will be more encouraging. After 3 1/2 years of sorrow - Lord I need a little joy. Can you send a joyful rain or even just a sprinkle?

I whisper another prayer - Lord help me to stand to true to Your testimonies and to what I am in You regardless of the cost.

You promised You would put the solitary in families. You promised. I'm still believing…just weary tonight.

What If's Never Happen

I once again sat on the edge of her bed. Perched against the foot of it's wooden frame my eyes gazed down at the floor. She sat, completely complacent, reading her Bible which was her nightly ritual until the evening she closed it for the last time. I had just been given the worst news of my life. The conversation went like this...


The phone rang at 2:30 p.m. on a Friday afternoon. I had been to an infertility specialist named Dr. Aranow who was renowned at treating the variety of disorders women find themselves facing. Mine was one of great distress to me. I had a period that just wouldn't stop and acne that never disappeared. There seemed no end in site.


"May I speak to Tess?" the voice on the other end asked with calm, blandness.


"That's me" I responded with fluttering heart and quickly dampening palms. I took a seat next to the telephone that resided in our entryway between the kitchen and our spacious living room.


"I have your test results. It's as I suspected. You have a hormonal disfunction called polycystic ovaries. It's caused by an excess of male hormones. It isn't life threatening...are you still there?" she asked in the same monotone voice. It was as though she was reading off a news reel.


"I am". I responded quietly while gripping the edge of my seat. My mother came out from the kitchen and stood in front of me.


"This isn't a life threatening disorder, rather something that is treatable with birthcontrol pills and regular trips to the dermatologist. When you decide to get pregnant, you may need to seek help, as it is a leading cause of infertility in women." she stated easily.


"I've been on birth control pills for a number of years now and had hoped to go off them. Are you saying that isn't possible?" I asked hopelessly.


"Well...there really isn't another option at this time. But you're young and there's new research and discoveries made about this disorder everyday. I'd like you to schedule a follow-up appointment for six months from now. We can discuss your progress. If you give me your drug store information, I'll phone in a prescription for the birth control I recommend for someone with your condition."


We hung up shortly after that. That evening there I was, perched at the edge of my bed.


"Mom, it's as though all my dreams have crashed to the floor like a melange of fine china. My dreams are scattered into a thousand pieces now." I stated wearily.


She pursed her lips and looked compassionately at me.


"I know how you feel Tessa. After I lost your brother it took me three years to conceive. Meanwhile all my friends were getting pregnant. Your Uncle Tim joked that if he looked at your Aunt Kim she'd get pregnant. She conceived your cousins so easily".


"How do I tell someone I can't get pregnant?" I responded in sadness. I was distracted by my own loss and was hardly focused on hers.


"Tessa, you can't worry about all the 'what ifs in life' you'll find that the 'what ifs rarely or never happen'. We must trust God with the desires of our heart and rely on His will for the outcome."

"It's just so dissapointing" I stated flatly and with a hint of anger.

"But you don't know if you can't get pregnant. It's a doctor's opinion and she wasn't taking into account all that God can do. In truth, I thought I'd never have you and then it happened. One morning I was taking my temperature and it was high. It stayed that way for several days. I couldn't believe it! I had given up hope that it would happen. When I told a friend I was pregnant she said, 'when God says yes, He says it in capital letters'. I agree with that. God can do all things Tessa. You just need to trust Him with the outcome."

****
In truth it would be another 12 years of suffering through birth control pill induced migraines, depression battles from birth control pills and intermittent bleeding when I stopped the medication. I began to give up hope. At 24 my mother passed away and with her my hopes for a family and a future. But she was right. God works in the most mysterious of ways and sends us the answer when we least expect it. Here I am today, on no birth control pills, with clear skin, no depression and a future that probably will include natural conception. I've ovulated since February and feel great! Sometimes trusting God takes years of prayer and quiet waiting but if we rely on Christ we'll see results. And yes, worry about the what ifs is a waste of time. As my dad said recently "I only solve problems when they are problems, not when they might be."

One Day You'll Look Back @ This Moment & Laugh

It's a conversation and little piece of wisdom I'll never forget. It goes something like this...

I sat at the edge of my bed, with the 5 ceiling fan bulbs directed over my face. I was holding a hand mirror as I examined the dozens of break outs on my face. I was skating towards a meltdown complete with tears and nasal wailing.

My mother entered the room ensconced in a midnight blue velvet zip up robe. Her short hair stood on its ends from having been reading in bed.

"Isn't it time for bed dear, dear, dearest darling?" she cajoled.

"No." I stated emphatically as I continued to zero in on the blemishes I'd been examining for the last 20 minutes.

"What are you doing?"

"I can't go on like this mom. Nothing is working. I have a date on Friday and look how ugly I look." I wailed as sobs began to choke out any future words that could be muttered.

"Oh dear. You're looking at yourself so closely. Remember it's your character that matters most and not what you look like. You want to be a woman after God's own heart right?" she pleaded.

I only began to sob harder. Her pleading wasn't feeling very helpful. I wanted nothing but clear skin that didn't require daily layers of foundation and concealer. At the time perfect skin seemed to be the answer to all life's problems.

"You don't understand mom! I'm tired of spackling layers of foundation and concealer onto my skin every morning. My skin is all bumpy and it's ruining the way I look". I continued to whine while sobbing.

She paused and looked at me quietly. She pursed her lips together and gazed at me fondly with a smile.

"Oh darling. I remember those days myself. One day, when you're older, you'll look back on these moments and laugh. You'll wonder why something so small could've bothered you so much. As you grow older you realize not to fret about things that will change in time or that you can't change but rather, you come to realize that this too shall pass away...I'd suggest heading to bed. Thankfully make-up is a blessed eraser."

She stroked my head and pulled the covers down from my bed. I obediently lay in bed. Her words were true. In time my skin would clear and looking back I realize I didn't look all that bad.

A Quiet & Gentle Spirit

It was a mid-winter Saturday afternoon. Grey clouds streaked the near sunless milky blue sky. Her daughter's mood matched the afternoon sky. She sat mournful, dejected and hopeless.

"He said I always criticize him. That he cringes whenever I open my mouth because it's always a complaint about something he's done." She said as she looked into her tea cup.

"Do you always criticize him, Tessa?" her mother urged gently.

Her daughter's eyes shot up away from her tea cup and flashed with anger. They widened as she began to speak. It was as though lightening were shooting from her grey eyes. "I don't think so. No! Actually I know I do not! When he makes mistakes I'm just clear that he's made a mistake so he doesn't do it again. Also, sometimes the way he does things...while they aren't bad, they could be improved. So I give him some suggestions."

Her mother pursed her lips and put down her fork. It was clear that the question has made Tessa very angry. Perhaps the truth hurt. She hated wounding her daughter and began to pray as to how to respond. How should she tell her that a man doesn't like to be improved? That a quiet, gentle spirit is best? Perhaps she shouldn't.

Tessa began to pick at her food. They sat at their favorite tea room and were supposed to be enjoying an afternoon of mother-daughter bonding. This was far from it!

"Tessa" she started. "You must be careful who you choose to align yourself to in terms of choosing a mate. A woman must look for a godly man whom she can honor. It's her duty to be obedient to him and to be his help mate. If there are things in Tim that you don't admire now, you must allow yourself to realize that they may not change. While God can do a tremendous work, if things are causing you to be critical of him on a frequent basis than perhaps you are not with the right man."

"It's not that he's bad mom. It's just that he's never on time for dates and has often 'forgotten' to call. He made plans with me a week in advance only to cancel them 15 minutes before we were getting together. Things like that really irritate me." She stated in a serious tone.

"I just want him to stop acting like that. I've told him so a hundred times and he still won't listen to me. It's like he doesn't care about me at all. I tell him that he doesn't care about me and he responds that I'm always critical." Her tears began to pool up.

Her mother took a deep breath. "Tessa, men don't change. You must be able to love a man for who is and not who you hope he'll become if you 'improve' him."

Tessa didn't seem to be paying attention. "Also he works constantly, forgets to call me during the week and doesn't even apologize to me when he sees me".

"Tim is working very hard Tessa. His job is very stressful. If you choose to be with someone like Tim you're going to have to be flexible regarding his schedule. Right now you should be asking yourself if you can be with someone long term who works very long hours. If the answer if yes, than you will need to make allowances."

"But I want to see him more. He doesn't even if say if he wants to see me. It's as though he doesn't care. He don't think he wants to see me except once a week" Tessa complained loudly.

"Try not to be so loud dear. Others are trying to enjoy their day out as well." her mother said gently.

"Oh mom really!" Tessa said in aggravation.

"Tessa, I'm certain Tim misses you during the week. It's just that he's busy working and in his down time sleeping. Men aren't like woman. They're not always able to multi-task. He may be too tired to see you. If he thinks you're going to complain when he calls then he won't." she began.

"As a woman, you must choose a man you can honor and you must be able to overlook many of his mistakes. No one is perfect but not everyone is right for everyone either. Tim isn't the kind of man to shower you with attention constantly. While this isn't a bad thing, it could be for you. You must recognize the limitations in your dating partner and be honest with yourself. Ask yourself Is this something I can live with? After 30 years of marriage I can tell you one thing. Men never change. Once you're married your main priority will be to support your husband in all he does. If you are not able to be supportive in most things, your mate will begin to avoid you. A man will give only when he feels most appreciated and recognized for his efforts, not necessarily yours. So you must choose someone in whose efforts you're pleased with. You won't like all his efforts but you must like most. When you don't like something you must learn to be quiet and gentle with him. When you do like something, you must freely praise him."

Her daughter said nothing. She realized that what she had said was difficult to hear. She wanted her daughter to understand that God's place for her was to be obedient both to God and to the man she chose. The choosing was the hardest part. He must be a man honorable enough to be recognized for his efforts. Not all men were honorable and only time and prayer would tell. If only she help Tessa understand. It was the secret to happy men. The secret was in letting the man make her happy in the way that suited him best.

The Heart Of Life Is Good

It was the evening of my mother's memorial service. The morning before I awakened to an empty house. Dosed on Ambien I lay in bed on a cool March morning. The golden morning sun filtered through the blinds and focused it's rays in my eyes. Where was my dad? More importantly, why wasn't my mother here anymore?

I lumbered out of bed and timidly opened her bedroom door. While standing there torrents of tears began to cloud my vision. My heart began racing and the last thing I remember is screaming on top of my lungs that I was so alone while staring up at the light blazing through her bedroom skylight. The next thing I knew it was S and I in my bedroom and the memorial service was over.

There she was, my brown sister, sitting crossed legged on the air mattress. We had just endured the most emotional afternoon of my life. I had experienced my one true fear-losing my mother. S had taken a couple days off from law school to sleep on my bedroom floor as I mourned. Her doe black eyes gazed fondly at me. I wasn't sure what to say. We had returned from having dinner with a group of my friends at Fridays.

"Remember when we got lost in Delaware senior year?" she asked playfully.

"Oh my! Yes. Can you believe how naive we were?"

"Sheesh. There we were talking and talking that night and totally got on the wrong Route 95. I remember rambling on and on about Marty while you remarked here and there that it was for the best." she said with a hushed giggle.

"Oh yea. That was some night. I remember freaking because I had my 8:00 a.m. upper management class that I refused to ever miss. Why the heck wouldn't I miss that stupid class anyways?" I responded exacerbated.

"I don't know. I kept trying to get you to cut class so we could go do something but you were so dutiful. You never ever missed a class" she said.

"We were always getting so lost. We were completely clueless about everything, especially boys. Did we even know what sex was?" I responded.

She pursed her lips for a moment. Suddenly her giggling turned to absolute laughter. "I really can't believe us. Remember when Brian told you all guys want sex from you?...You were so upset. You came back to school that weekend completely mortified."

"Oh yes" I laughed completely and couldn't stop.

"Didn't he say that after driving you home from a prayer meeting?"

I nodded, lauging too hard to respond.

"Of course I was mortified too because I thought guys were just saying hello to me because they wanted to get to know me. Imagine my shock!" she continued while laughing.

"How bout the time you came home from the Asian American Club dance declaring you had finally kissed a boy and you didn't even know him!" I said in hysterics.

"Oh my. How embarrassing was that! I freaked for days because you asked me immediately why I kissed someone I didn't know."

We began to laugh uncontrollably. There we were, sprawled out on her air mattress laughing over all our naive college thoughts. It was amazing how naive and utterly clueless two women could be. There we were, top students with no life experience. That was when we were 21. There we were at 24 burying my mother. Life experience was coming in the form of buying a cemetary plot and picking a casket. I'll never forget that moment, as we lay there, releasing the horrors of the afternoon into our laughter and into the chill of that March night. Our laughter knit us together into a bond closer than sisterhood. We had lived through pain and would see more before the year was out. Two months later she would call me to say her bobba (father) had passed away of a sudden heart attack. That evening, we once again had the laugh of a lifetime.

Thank you S for always laughing; for reminding me to keep my chin up. You are my first true friend. The first to notice me for me. To look beyond the blunt, opinionated girl and see something beautiful and then remind me of it time and again. Best wishes for your health and happiness always.

"But then the circle of your firends will defend the silver lining" - John Mayer taken from his song "The Heart of Life is Good".

The Rules of Contentment

If we wished to gain contentment we might try such rules as these :

1. Allow thyself to complain of nothing (not even of the weather), knowing that everything is ordained or overruled by God.

2. Never picture thyself to thyself in any circumstances in which thou art not.

3. Never compare thine own lot with that of another.

4. Never allow thyself to dwell on the wish that this or that were otherwise than it was or is.

5. Never dwell on the morrow. Remember that it is God's, not thine. The heavier part of sorrow often is to look forward to it. ' The Lord will provide.'

Taken from E.B. Pusey. Click here to go to the source document.

Valleys

Psalm 23:4
4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; For You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

Psalm 84:6 (New International Reader's Version)
6 As they pass through the dry Valley of Baca, they make it a place where water flows. The rain in the fall covers it with pools.

I keep reading Psalm 84 over and over. “As they pass through the dry valley”. Is your life feeling dry? Do the conditions seem too extreme for a mere mortal to bare? Try to remember you’re just passing through. It’s a part of your pilgrimage. The thing is, as you pass through God is working it so things are passing out of you. Soon we find ourselves crying. As our tears of suffering begin to flow so does the Holy Spirit. His spirit begins to flow through us and enable us to gain strength in the midst of our trembling. What we leave behind are pearls of wisdom in the form of pools for others.

“For you are with me…you comfort me”. The Lord will never leave you crying. But he will let you cry long enough to wet the dry, desert floor. You have to cry. If you hadn’t cried, how would you have known the comfort of the Lord? Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be comforted. Mourning is just a place to start; it’s where your greatest fellowship with Christ will be. This intimate fellowship will bring about rejoicing and a resilient faith characterized by patience.

Matthew 5:3-5 (New King James Version)
3 “ Blessed are the poor in spirit, For theirs is the kingdom of heaven. 4 Blessed are those who mourn, For they shall be comforted.

2 Corinthians 1:4 (New King James Version)
4 who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.

About Me

My blog came about as a self expression tool. My writings are a labor of love and a tribute to all those who've journeyed through my endless ponderings and musings about life, love, God and everything in between. I'm blessed with how amazing and transparent my closest friends are. They've been willing to expose so much of themselves to help me gain insight into Christ and myself.

Here we go...I'm compassionate and feel pain from miles away. I always want to help people. I'm a prayer warrior and woman who tries earnestly to be guided by the love and direction of the Holy Spirit. I've made my share of mistakes and have learned I'm God's painting in progress. Obedience to God is better than sacrifice. I'm dedicated to His will, even when I fight it with all that I have. I believe in practicing what I preach. I want the people around me to be as glorious as I envision them to be. I want them to be all that Christ is and has for them.

Who do I hope to become? I hope to be the kind of woman that strives for goodness and mercy. I hope to learn my duty. I'd like to be a woman marked by kindness. Most importantly, I hope to become a woman of strong virtue who God can be proud of. My goal is to be what David was to Him. "A man (oops need to change that, lol) after His own heart." I couldn't want for anything more.