Lonely? Only when we love others more than Him.

⁵ If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. (James 1:5, New King James Version)

Through the years I often wondered why the Lord had me in lonelier predicaments than others. I was home schooled and through much of that time had relationships with only Jesus and my mother. Loneliness was my daily angst ridden poem. My loneliness continued through my 20s; I lost my mother and failed at most of the romantic relationships I tried. I continued to wonder why.

During those perplexing times, we can pray and ask God for comfort and wisdom. Loneliness taught me to see, throughout my life circumstances, the faithfulness and provisions of God.  I now understand it was to learn this verse very thoroughly.

²⁶ “If anyone comes to Me and does not hate his father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters, yes, and his own life also, he cannot be My disciple. (Luke 14:26, New King James Version)

The specifics of our calling aren't always outlined but one theme over arches any other. We're called to feed Jesus's sheep. The only way to "feed" others is to deny ourselves, take up our cross and follow Jesus. During that "following", He'll teach us how to love Him most and then radiate that love to others. We're pilgrims and strangers. We aren't charged with making friends, rather we're charged with making disciples. Lonely? Only when we love others more than Him.

If my desire isn't a sin, am I to die to it or work at getting it?

The journey from desire to freedom begins with desiring God's will. With each desire, we're called to die to it. Are all desires sinful or bad? No, but there isn't a way to know until it's given to God. Bring your desire before the Lord, lay it at his feet and ask Him to search your heart. Ask Him to renew your mind. Little by little the Holy Spirit will take the reins of your heart and will drive you towards His will. As God begins to clean up your desires, He often will send you a revised desire. He'll take what you gave Him, bless it, work your sacrifice for His good and help you to bear fruit. Eventually, God's will becomes clear and you'll be called to act, no longer on your desire, but on whatever God's will is for your life.

I think it's a grave mistake not to "work" towards a goal. Having a career, finding a husband, giving birth, serving our community, singing in church, finding a new job etc. aren't necessarily sins. They become sin when they lead us away from Christ who is our calling. When our lives are dedicated to Jesus everything works out and He blesses us. Much of these things are timing. We must be willing to wait on the Lord, hear His voice and submit to His will. Consider this:

Q: Can you get a raise if you don't ask for one?
A: Yes, but how many employers just hand you money?

Q: Can you find a mate if you don't date?
A: Unlikely, unless it's an arranged marriage!

Q: Can you get pregnant without having sex?
A: Science doesn't count. The answer is no.

Q: Should you change jobs?
A: This is a grey area. It requires guidance from Christ.You might be called to act or not act.

Q: Do I go on a second date if the first was boring?
A: This is a grey area. The Lord will show us the difference between feeling and fact here.

Sometimes you'll be called to either take no action (and that is taking action) or you'll be called to act. Entrust the desire and the details to God. He knows a lot more than you do.

How Do I Attract Men? Men Go For Women So Much Less Attractive Than Me.

I think you can attract men anywhere. Being attractive helps but doesn't usually completely "sell" a man on girl friend material. Attracting a man isn't a mystery. It just takes some things: (1) practice (2) being in a place where men are (3) being receptive to male advances and (4) making a man feel great about himself. Here's some tips on attracting a man anywhere:

• Join groups that attract a lot single men (polical groups, church groups, Professional Organizations), you get my drift.
• Even if you don't get a date at these groups, practice talking to men, getting comfortable with men and enjoying their company.
• Say hello to men and women wherever you are (Dunkin Donuts, Starbucks, Dry Cleaner, Line at Supermarket, work).
• Trust me, this will help you open up to strangers. Once you learn to be receptive your chances of meeting someone are much greater. Try it! Within weeks strangers will be speaking to you.
• Make eye contact with lots more people and smile at them (men, women, children -- who cares who?) 
• Wear bright clothing (avoid crazy clothes please). Men are visual and the bright colors will draw their eyes to you.
• If you spot someone you like, get in his line of vision. Then make eye contact, smile, count to five and avert your eyes. You can even mouth hi or do something obvious like waving. If a man is attracted, he'll come over. What's the worst that can happen? He doesn't come over? Then he's gay, married or in a relationship. Hit the NEXT button.
• Thank men for holding the doors, compliment all men openly (single or married). You won't date the married men of course but being liked is a chain reaction. Once one man likes you, the word gets out that you like men. Man likers are a rare breed and most men love them! What man wouldn't?
• Men are hams about compliments. I don't know if they get them infrequently or whatever but most men love being told they're chivalrous, great, good looking etc. Even if you don't get a date, he'll always say you're great!
• Men aren't like women. They overlook a lot when a woman thinks they're hot stuff. Trust me, I see this even with performance reviews. Men go by feelings just as much as women do. They particulary go by how the woman makes him feel about, you guessed it, himself!
• Attracting a man is like an employer seeking to fill a position. We don't tell people NOT to apply. We simply don't interview those we aren't interested in. Same goes here.

What They Taught Me

If life is a journey and every outcome leads to another, my dating life is no exception. After a huge dose of rejection (the dark introvert didn't want to marry me), I did a dating detox. I doused myself in self pity, took myself to brunch and forged new friendships with everyone from NY Asian Americans, a man hating dining out group and mature friends my mom's age. Here's a summary of what the last 3 men taught me about relationships.


1. Red Flags Mean You Should Move On
    Red flags are NOT the same as Caution Signs
2. Your Prayer Gut Is Right
3. Take Everything To Christ In Prayer 
4. Don't Accept or Make Excuses For Bad Behavior
5. Ask Christ to Show You What Isn't A Deal Breaker
6. Passion Doesn't Equal Love
7. Intent Is Shown By Actions Not Words
8. You Should Love A Man For Who He is Today And NOT What You Hope He'll Become
9. Assume The Guy Is Nice Until Proven Otherwise 
10. You Don't Attract The Wrong Men, Just A Lot of Men
11. Be Realistic In Your Expectations (Let prayer be your guide. God will show you when this is off base).

The Walk

He was tall with sandy blond hair and cool blue eyes. His personality was passionate, focused in serious. He slowly pulled into the parking space in front of her brick house and contemplated going inside. He glanced at the back seat where a book and single rose lay in repose on the passenger side back seat cushion. The red rose petals blazed against the charcoal grey seat. He began to perspire. Tonight the was night...the night he'd...

"Hi Nick! How's the summer treat'n ya." She happily asked.

He jumped and ran to get the her car door while she easily slid in tucking her short, flouncy skirt around her. He glanced quickly at her bare porcelain legs that glowed like fine china. She was wearing white healed stiletto sandals. He wondered what it would be like to touch her, to see her naked. He had thought that for the last 2 summers he'd visited her.

He came round to the drivers side and tried to sound casual.

"Is there anywhere in particular you would like to go for dinner?" He asked as he looked into her grey eyes. Her eyes tended to always dance to a lively tune whether she was listening or talking. Why did he not use a contraction to sound more casual? Why did he sound like a normal guy who is 24? He reached over to the back seat and handed her the book and rose.

"Wow, Nick...this is soo nice of you. What's the cover of the book?" She declared very jubilantly.

"Well it's titled..."

"Oh I see 'How to Find Your Way in The Real World' Gosh that's so sweat." She smiled happily up into his eyes. Her golden was fixed pin straight and hung like long, golden ribbons around her face. She was beautiful. He wanted to gasp every time he gazed her. He had thought about kissing her and gazing into her eyes all through the school year.

"How has seminary been going?" she asked sweetly.

"Ooh" Should he tell her now? "It's been going well. I'm trying to think of what kind of orders I would like to take." Again with not using a contraction.

"What are the orders exactly in the Catholic faith? I don't know anything about being Catholic." with that she laughed. He laughed with her. He couldn't help but laugh every time she laughed. He really wanted to kiss her, he wanted to get dinner over with, he wanted to hold her hand. He wanted her not to consider him to be out of reach.

He painfully got through dinner. He discussed the different orders that can be taken in the Catholic faith, he discussed next year at school (a lie), and listened to her breathlessly discuss working "in the business world". She went on to discuss her dreams for the future. He didn't care. He only wanted to ask her if she had a boyfriend.

He paid the check and let her walk ahead of him. So many men glanced over as she walked by. Her golden hair, china skin and lively personality drew attention everywhere. Her toes were painted pale pink. She turned around and said "Coming Nick?" She giggled and kept going.

Once back at her house he toyed with just leaving. He didn't know if he should tell her. Would it ruin their friendship?

"Tessa, would you like to take a walk" He said too stiffly (or so he thought). She didn't seem to notice.

She furrowed her brow in thought and bit her glossy lip. "We don't have to take a walk." he said nervously.

"Oh no, we can. Where should we walk?" She said with an encouraging smile.

"We can just walk around the neighborhood."

"Ok". She chatted continuously while they walked. He couldn't pay attention. Should he just say it? She kept talking. He had no idea what she was saying. Tessa was always talking. He loved that about her. He preferred to say little.

"Tessa." He stopped but she kept walking and was ahead of him now. She was still talking. "Tessa" He said louder. She stopped talking and turned around.

"Oh hey. What are you doing back there?" she said with a giggle.

"I like you." He stated blandly. Oh dear, that was not articulate.

She smiled widely. "I like you too Nick." She was about to start walking.

"Uuh. No." He stepped towards her until he was facing her. He tilted his face downward and looked directly into her grey eyes that had clouded.

"No, I do not think you understand me. I like you." Using the word like was putting it mildly.

She didn't answer nor did she move. He wasn't sure she was even blinking.

"I left seminary. I've thought of nothing but you and have decided that I can't become a priest. I can't never marry. I was only thinking of you."

She nodded. "You aren't a priest anymore?"

"Well I was never priest. I was studying to be one but I decided I want to be with you. Have you ever thought of me that way?" He pleaded.

"I thought we were friends. I thought you weren't interested in women." she said with sadness.

"Well no, not exactly. We are friends and I have always been interested in women but I thought I could love God and just not be married. That maybe serving him is enough but...well. What do I say Tessa? I just think about you. I like you. I decided to quit seminary because I can't have both of those feelings." He didn't mention that he thought a lot about kissing her, about touching her body everywhere and about wanting to sleep with. He thought now wasn't the best time to discuss those feelings.

"Have you ever thought of me that way?" He repeated.

"Nick, wow. Umm. Let's talk about this a bit more. We can date." She said slowly with a lot of deliberation.

"Yes, let's go on a real date!"

She smiled broadly. He desperately wanted to kiss her. He'd never kissed a girl and wanted to.

"May I kiss you and then look into your eyes afterward?" He said while looking directly at her.

She laughed. "Sure!" She didn't seem to have any hesitation.

He leaned in and pecked her lips. She reached in and pressed herself against him. She began to kiss him more furtively. He felt himself burning. He had made the right decision in quitting seminary.

About Me, Part III

I like to travel off the beaten track and value all the adventures I've had thus far in life. This year I've vowed to start traveling to famous cities around the U. S. so I can write about them. Now all I need is someone to come with me!

I enjoy my job and am surrounded by so many great friends, co-workers and family members that I feel truly blessed.

I give my all to everyone I know and try hard to forgive and understand the view points of others. I value those who can make me think in ways I don’t usually.

BTW- I was wondering- you know those guys who have massive stream of consciousness e-mails? Have you ever bothered to write any of them back? Or the ones that say, "Hi, my name is so-and-so, and nothing else?

What ages are men emailing you from match currently? What age do you want to attract (let's start with that - could be pictures etc that appeal to younger set). I think truth attracts truth so I'd keep the age as is. I don't buy the age thing. Being in your early 30s is a perfect range b/c you can attract men from 28-40 and be happy with someone in that range. I ran this by my dad who thinks it's ridiculous to be embarrassed by being in the best age bracket of your life. Truthfully, the early 30s is the time when you're still in great health, look great and have your life ahead of you. Flaunt it, flirt with it and wear it comfortably. I guarantee you that once you're comfortable with your age, the men will be too. It's all about being comfortable and accepting of who you are. Everyone is attracted to a self accepting person.


In terms of massive emails, my rule: if I can't read the email within 5 minutes than I skip it. I simply don't have time to read over the hieroglyphics of some one's email or profile. Imagine that guy on a date? He'll be talking to you in one huge sentence for hours. Who has time for that? Those guys will be around when you're 90. Next guy please! A normal man should write something short, ask a question and sign his name. Anything more than that and he's either: bored, nuts, jobless (so he has time to write huge emails), drugged or worse- writing us from a mental institution.

hey- lOL- all this dating stuff- I was wondering- I seem to be seeing more guys wanting to meet up for coffee or drinks instead of dinner- I find this a turn off, but my girlfriends tell me to suck it up because guys go out on so many dates nowadays, they're probably not going to be taking so many girls out to dinner. Thoughts?

I like you have had my reservations with coffee/drink dates. Here's my rules: (Again, this is just me from dating a ton of guys)

In Summary: A man who's met you in person and knows what you look like and your mannerisms ought always to ask for a real date (that requires at least 10 minutes of planning). But if online, I think it's ok to get a "feel" from the person. By date 2, he'd better be offering dinner for certain! Here's why:

1. A man who's met you in person & talked with you for more than a 1/2 hour ought to ask you to dinner (or some other date activity) b/c he should've already assessed his level of attraction & whether he's ok with your mannerisms. He should also be comfortable revealing his level of interest. (Trust me on this one - many bad relationships later...this point is huge.)

2. Internet ---

a. Men are DEFINITELY more serious about you when they ask for dinner or make plans for some alternative date option (coffee & walk at museum, local fair, a free outdoor concert etc). In my experience these men are very comfortable with themselves and their ability to get along with someone for more than an hour. This takes guts, spending power and the ability to commit some time (and it could be a total waste!). These men are absolutely looking for a relationship and have probably taken more emails and phone calls to get to know you. Learned this by dating tons and tons of men. Age has nothing to do with this one.

b. That being said, I no longer want to commit to dinner with Mr. Internet Random b/c so many online daters lie about their age, height, weight, jobs etc. Imagine my recent surprise when 5'7 ended up being 5'1!It's been such a waste of my time to meet with a guy who looks nothing like his picture or has some obvious social malfunction. Soo, your guy could fall into category b.

Feel the guy out. Within 10 minutes on the phone etc you'll figure out if he's a serial dater. Does he do the following: Ask details you already responded to in email? Say things like "I think I told you ____" "Where you the person I said ____ to?" If so, skip him.

My Relationship Rule: A man should be serious enough about you to remember what you've said (within reason). Men don't tune women out until in a long term relationship. He should be super attentive. No excuses.

Remixed, Revised Rules to Live By -- Dating That Is!

Self Learned Rules I Now Live By:

• Smile frequently
• Laugh often
• Avoid screening your date (ex: what do you do for work?, are you divorced? etc.)
• Be your polished, best self
• Eliminate generalizations. You're at dinner w/a human being. Leave the male v. female comments at home
• Say what's on your mind when it's positive (ex: it's so cool that you appreciate fine dining too)
• Compliment your friends and family and just leave out the negatives (he'll learn those on his own)
• Give yourself time to listen
• Allow him to talk about himself
• You are a Christian - make sure your dates know and are comfortable with that

Flags:

• Men who ask for lunch, coffee or drink dates (they can't commit, trust me. Been there, done that)
• Men who take a long time to ask you out (Too many issues to name but let's start with this one...probably has confidence issues which will leach into your relationship)
• Mixed signals (he either has a girl friend, isn't over a girl friend or doesn't know what he wants yet) -- all excellent reasons to stay away

REMEMBER, you only have one heart and it can only be broken a certain amount of times. Put all encounters with all people before Christ in prayer. Do not proceed if He doesn't clear it. Trust me on this one!

Gagging Through The Pitfalls of Dating

A new breed of agony has sprung now that I'm on a new Christian dating site. It's the agony of poking each word with a needle before threading it into an email. After countless anxiety ridden proofs you hit the send button and watch your words shoot like a meteor into someone else's inbox. After all that, the recipient vanishes after only a few responses. Am I doing something wrong? More agony ensues as I ponder my approach.

A lovely fellow red head began emailing me last week. He started off seemingly as just a friend. We're now wading in billows of emails but he hasn't asked to call me. As I spend countless minutes drafting, proofing and adding finishing touches to emails, I can't help wonder when he'll fade into oblivion like the others before him. Thus far I don't see any red flags other than the somewhat passive way in which he writes to me. He doesn't lack passion but he seems to lack full interest. Perhaps he's writing to someone he's more interested in? That's my only question. I'll give him a few more emails before I bid him adieu. Seems to me a man who can't commit to a phone call will be problematic down the line. This is, after all, an online affair.

As I close tonight’s vent, there's one thing I must remember. I mustn't spend too much time or focus too much on someone other than Christ Himself. A relationship, at any level, must not be overly consuming or distracting as to prevent my worship of Him. So I shall wait and put my love life in His ever knowing hands.

From Ashes to Joy

It seemed the roulette wheel of life had landed on an unlucky number for me. My dream internship at L'Oreal never materialized into my dream career; after college I was forced to humble myself, shoot down my dreams and work as a Legal secretary for 4 years. While everyone was moving out and into their careers and then marrying, I was picking out caskets, visiting a grief counselor and struggling to pull just one stem from satisfaction's bouquet. A dark introvert appeared through a personal ad I responded to and I desperately hoped he was the happiness I longed for. After four years of adventure, I closed the front door of his house one afternoon in mid April 2010 knowing I'd never return; although, I've been tempted to return because he has my favorite skirt either hanging in his closet or crushed into a bag of discarded garments meant for goodwill. Guess I'll never see that skirt again. It really was a favorite too.

Get to the point right? What is the point? Last year a friend asked how I had lived through grief. I chirped matter of fatly, "By learning to accept life isn't a fairy tale". She nodded in full understanding and wanted to know when she'd feel normal after her painful break-up. I remember posing the same question to my grief counselor a few years prior. To which she responded, "You'll never feel like the old 'you' but you will feel better, I promise." How depressing to know the rest of your life isn't a fairy tale but rather a gloomy tale with drops off happiness wetting gloom. I struggled with a scripture that danced through my mind when my mother died. It starts with "You gave me beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning and the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness." I wondered where the joy would come from and most importantly, I desperately wanted to know when it would come. I pictured it coming in the form of a family I desperately longed for.

Come it would! By late March 2010, 4 years after my mother's death, I selected her headstone. It was painful and blissful all in the same moment. I began to study the Bible faithfully 3 times a day and pray for the courage to cut the ties with the dark introvert. I didn't know how that would be possible. He was the person who had held me when I awakened night after night with night sweats and night terrors of my mother. It was with he flew to Europe with me, my first European trip, and it was with him that I pictured a future. He seemed to be the promise of a bright future. But he didn't want to get married and he didn't love Jesus. By mid-April 2010 I made my decision to leave once and for all. It's a decision I haven't regretted.

I promptly bought a calendar to cross out each day I didn't speak with him and began reading the Bible even more intently. I sought out Bible studies, drastically cut my alcohol intake and began slashing friends off my list that weren't supportive of my faith. It was more painful than surgery. Spring has turned to Summer and there isn't a boyfriend or a date to any weddings. I started to pray that I would want Jesus and nothing else, then the transformation happened. One day in June, I received my bouquet of satisfaction. It wasn't in the form of a boyfriend, a family etc. It was Jesus Himself. There He stood, solitary, lonely and ready to help. All those pains from childhood, scars from prior relationships and wishful thinking of what could've been started healing. I began to see that my old impression of God wanting to make an example out of my loneliness was out of God's character. The Bible became a grand romance, a perfect Being and a plethora of promises. Peace is to ruling where anxiety reigned, joy shines where tears stained and my heart beats steadfastly.

The words to this hymn are true "whatever my lot thou hast taught me to say it is well, it is well with my soul" Lord help me to learn to be content in whatever state I am in.

The Weekend's Almost Here

It's a windy July 2nd Friday. I pulled into the near empty parking lot at work and slowly made me way inside, past the hurling wind and into the serene chilly interior of the firm. I'm filled with hope on this now lagging Friday morning. My mind skips past work and into the chores I need to finish tonight: pinch the petunias, jog, change my winter clothes to summer...

The Lord has turned my mourning into dancing, given me beauty for ashes and a romance unlike anyone -- He's given me Himself. With Him has come that sense of assurance, a block of piece that covers my endless anxieties and a friend that's deeper than even those I've lost. As my 20s gently slip behind me; I'm finally steadfast. I wanted stability and have found it in Christ. I wanted a home and family and have learned we're pilgrims and strangers in this world. My stability no longer comes from popularity, although I admit it's nice! Stability is now coming from the ever present Help of Christ. Perfect love casts out fear. Perfect love has knit itself around my heart, has penetrated my soul and anchored my mind. Life no longer seems heavy but light.

Hello wishes and empty desires. Thank you, Lord, for putting them in their place. Thank you for remembering my heart's desires when I had long since resigned myself to never getting them. Thank you for reminding me of who I am and who You have ordained me to be. You are so GOOD, SO LOVELY and so PASSIONATE about your people. I am your creation. All that I am is yours and all that I'll be is yours. Thanks for the past and the lovely present and a future filled with hope.

When the phone stops, the texts cease and life is lonely

The title to this post sounds like the starts to some great lyrics. In early April I vowed not to speak to my IT x-boyfriend or my then current lawyer boyfriend. I made a decision on April 17th to devote myself once again to Jesus. I knew full well that decision would cost me dearly in companionship.

Since then most Friday nights have been spent cooking for Dad and watching TV movies. I spend Saturdays running errands and somehow manage to see some strangers through a meetup group or other event. I munch on brunch at a local diner, always alone. There have been a few tears but nothing noteworthy. No emotional breakdowns, no phoning ex's and only minimal facebook stalking. Yet, with almost all my friends married, it's a bit tough to be facing 30 next year without a life partner. I pray this year that God send me my husband and the co-builder of my future. I've decided not to "search" for him but rather to "search" for Jesus instead.

I have loneliness but it's not despair. Jesus has clothed me in hope, surrounded me with dignity and graced me with joy. Even in the loneliest of moments (last Friday I had no contact with anyone and didn't speak to a soul until 5:30 p.m. on Saturday), I've found that with prayer the mood is lifted and joy returns. We can walk through the valley of baca and make it well. We can come to the garden of the Lord and rest in His sanctuary. His presence is the garden and the flowers His fruit. We can walk through the valley of the shadow of death and fear no evil because somehow, you are always there. You're in our conscience, You've penetrated our hearts and pierced through the sole.

I know that in Your time, you're going to find me my other half. I've read all the books Lord, listened to the wisdom that says to network for men, talk to everyone and everything and "work" at finding someone because they don't just come to you. Here's the thing...I know he'll just come to me. You'll make our paths straight, you'll cause us to meet during everyday life & in the time it takes to sigh, life will have changed towards the marriage, the children and the country life I desire. It's a season. It's training ground. Thank you that You never leave. Help me to have patience in tribulation, trust in adversity and faith when making decisions that will clearly effect my life. Guide me with Your wisdom, lead me in the right path and reassure me I've made the right decision.

The Coffee Date?

Last weekend, over Memorial Day, I threw a BBQ at my house. A few people came and someone new but not so new to me. A guy came who invited me to a Halloween party in 2008, only to show up with his female friend! Halloween boy showed up with another friend to my Memorial day picnic! Go figure. He later asked me for coffee. I turned him down tonight. Am I nuts? Thing is, at this stage in my life I want a man who's established in Christ, his career and himself. I want someone that Jesus has made whole. After Halloween boy ate all my food, didn't help clean up (not that anyone else did either) and dissed me 2 years ago, is this who I want? He asked me for coffee. If someone has seen me for dinner, come to my picnic and seen me at Halloween...isn't it time for the man to show some interest? I think a man of God should be willing to be generous with a woman from the start. I no longer have any interest in being on trial for date zero when essentially the man has had enough interaction to decide whether a date is of interest.

Coffee is date zero from the internet. If you'd spoken to the girl...ask her for a real date so you can prove you have your act together. Prove you're a man of honor.

The Ultimate Relationship

I wish I could express to you the joy that comes from knowing Christ (Eph 3:17-19). As the anxieties and cares of life mount our hearts, we reach the summit feeling discouraged and exhausted. In those moments I've learned to turn to Him and seek His Fatherly counsel. As the Fatherly relationship has grown, my heart has been healing (Is. 61:3). He's bound my wounds, poured healing ointment into them and when need be, redresses them. Sometimes old wounds resurface. When they resurface we bring them back to Him. We ask Him to heal them once again. The beauty is we can continue to bring them to Him and He'll patiently heal. It's from the healing, the love and tender care of our beautiful Gardner that we learn it's possible to love others. Yes, we can marry and stay married. Yes, we can raise godly children. Yes, I can love that earthly father who seems so silly at times. What we can do with Christ is endless.

God Puts the Solitary in Families

As the train jostled me through northern New Jersey and paused at Penn station, my heart was humming; I was heading North to the land that I love. I know I've arrived in New England because the landscape begins to turn different shades of grey and blue. While living there, the lack of color on houses depressed me but upon my return, it was exhilarating. New England juts into a sapphire-grey ocean, has skies blended with periwinkle and grey and is filled with a demur, reserved people whose manners mark the landscape.

I was heading to Boston, the grand lady ensconced in grey and bejeweled with pearls. It's a beautiful thing to be able to pause in life sometimes; to take in your surroundings, mull over the past and wonder over the present. Every time I arrive in Boston I feel her magic. She massages my mental urge to constantly think and helps me to reflect on life's occurrences with serenity. Pause I did. So much has happened in a sliver of time. I chose my mother's headstone, decided to save enough money to move out and gave way to admitting what I truly want. Making life decisions can be hard but I'm learning to put my small lily white hand in my Heavenly Father's large, unchanging one. For most of my life I craved the sense of belonging to a family. I felt isolated as an only child and so alone. After losing my mother, I felt myself slipping further into isolation and wondering how I'd ever get out. What's the solution to loneliness and was I meant to feel utterly alone forever?

Through all the questions I clung to one hope, the scripture that states "God puts the solitary in families". A father of the fatherless and a judge for the widows, Is God in His holy habitation. 6 God makes a home for the lonely; He leads out the prisoners into prosperity, Only the rebellious dwell in a parched land. Psalms 68

The Apology

I took the weekend to think about what you said and what we fought about. I also took some time to pray as well and examine my heart and motives. Here's what I have to say (& I promise it won't be painful)...

I'm sorry you were uncomfortable at the hockey game and agree that Mary Jo's behavior and that of her friend's was immature. While I don't agree with all of Mary Jo's ways, I do admire her ability to forgive and her empathy. She's often cried with me over my own losses and has listened faithfully through all my woes for the last 2 years. I count her a dear friend. I'm sorry I took your observation of her so seriously, I guess it's b/c I'm extremely devouted to those I love and tend to grossly overlook their flaws and hoped you could overlook them too. I shouldn't have become so offended by your observation.

Here's what I'm most sad about...you made mention of feeling foolish during your pursuit of me. At the time I was taken aback but in retrospect I should've been more understanding. I mean this from the heart, no one has ever been so sincere and open hearted with me as you have been. It touched me from the start. I'm not naturally a trusting a person and normally am not overly excited at the onset of a potential relationship, yet I freely mentioned to my friends about your touching texts on Friday night, the surprise of chocolate covered pretzels at my desk and your excitement about sharing time with me. Your pursuit was certainly a standout! I'm sorry you didn't realize that or feel recognized in your endeavors. I wasn't keeping track rather just making an attempt to trust you. The hard part to convey is little by little your romantic ways were softening me toward you. I'll never forget our kiss in NY and it being in another state.

As time went by I began to be a bit more nervous. We hadn't "defined" our relationship and I'm a "definer" by nature. I started getting uncomfortable but didn't want to push by discussing being exclusive etc. I felt it would come. I didn't realize my confusion and frustration was translating to you...sorry. During that time I also began to deepen my faith. Funny, your courage/refusal to conform gave me the courage to once again forge into my faith without my mother's support. For that I'm thankful. I'm happiest being "religious" but often feel isolated in it. Nonetheless as that started to happen, the physical side of our relationship was coming full tilt. I wanted it to and was so excited b/c you made me feel so desired. It was all such a new feeling and was really exciting...yet I knew my "religious" take wouldn't support my new feelings. I was at a cross road and you were stuck in the middle.

That's why the other weekend I stopped you, I didn't want to go forward but was also aware that this might hurt you. I held off having the conversation b/c I hoped I could somehow come to a personal compromise (unlikely). Here's the thing I sense and want to reassure you (hope I'm not overstepping my bounds)...I feel your a bit self conscience in the way you look and yet, Michael there's nothing to be self conscience about! If you want to head to the gym to feel better - that's great but not necessary. You're perfect as you. That being said, of late I want to make the decision to hold off on sexual things. Old fashioned I am. Idealist...definitely. It's so hard for me to say that I want the next man I sleep with to be my husband. Our society doesn't support that endeavor anymore at all. Yet, I'm not the kind of person that can go from man to man and end up ok. I've seen countless of my friends wait (I'm serious) and honestly, they have the happiest marriages. I look at them with sheer happiness. Years later they're still happy and excited to be with eachother. They made a commitment to God and themselves and it's paid off.

In terms of flame, I think we had/have it and I've never had it before. I have to thank you for proving to me that it exists. Passion is important to me. I'm just sorry that you felt so foolish or so discouraged. It was never my intent to hurt you, confuse you, make you "work" at a relationship or anything else. I'll always want you to realize your dreams and make them a reality and yes, I would rescue you if you were drowing in ice cold water.

Anyways, it's ok if you don't respond b/c you can't or don't want to. I don't want to justify myself or whatever. I just didn't want you to walk away discouraged. Thank you for being you and giving me the courage to be me.

When Facing Fear Run Towards It Instead of Away From It

Last year I began to wonder why my life had taken the turn it had. I started to doubt my decisions not to marry my college boyfriend or take that job in another state. My mother described me as restless but for the longest time I flatly denied it. I was convinced that what I wanted most was a husband and children. Problem is neither were in sight. Yet, I'm a firm believer that God works all things for good even when they don't appear to be even close to good. Here's the proof...

At 24 I met an extraordinary man. However, since he didn't match my suitable husband requirements, I quickly decided he'd be a fling. In fact, I told him I wasn't looking for marriage and just a good time. The not looking for marriage was me being nice to him...I didn't want to tell him that his infidel status was a turnoff to me. Quickly, and for the first time, I found myself falling in love, out of love and learning what it felt like to want to kill someone one minute and love them the next. It was he who allowed me to be my true self. He allowed me to live out my travel dreams, articulate my dislikes and even question my deep rooted faith. I've never fought with someone so much in my life. Our values were direct opposites. Of course, that fling turned into a 3 year relationship and now a best friend.

With the dark introvert, I found myself covering a lot of ground - literally. Traveling with the introvert meant never taking a taxi, overcoming the fear of trying something new and ending each night w/a drink. We were lowered into cenotes (underground caves), ate at dive restaurants (honestly I though food poisoning was inevitable) and did everything spur of the moment (a definite challenge for a planner like me). I quickly learned to overcome my fear for germs and eat from various lunch carts in other counties (he insisted we must live like the natives). He taught me getting lost was just part of the adventure. When we broke up I was initially devastated. I felt I was losing my best friend as well as a little bit of my dreams. Even now he reminds me that I really don't need anyone's help. I can and should do it alone. For the longest time I thought marriage and children would make me happiest. I had an image of aloneness that scared me speechless. It wasn't until I went to events alone, dined alone and struck up conversations everywhere that I've come to heartily agree with him.

I've found that we're never really alone, just surrounded by strangers. The opportunity to make a stranger a friend lies with me. The trick is to have fun everywhere and focus exclusively on the other person. I've come to realize my restless nature is a huge asset. I absolutely must really understand foreign cultures, languages and the people in them. I love to hear the stories and adventures of others.

I now appreciate that God didn't allow my desire to come true b/c there's a part of me that is most satisfied by my own achievements. Some of us really do need to be independent and find our own way alone. Funny thing is - I've been anything but alone in the process! In the end God knew a lot more about what I needed than I did!

Small Talk Isn't Just for Introverts

My dating life is lagging and to add insult to injury I'm meeting the most socially awkward men. I started to wonder if I myself am socially awkward? As an outgoing person with little fear when it comes to talking, I've learned something. I love to talk about myself and can do so all night. Am I coming off to others as being self-centered when in reality I'm known by my friends as being caring, compassionate and loyal?

On an episode of the Millionaire Matchmaker, a dater exclaimed that he was always attracting very extroverted women which he didn't want. The dater was a bit of a quiet person. Patty's response? If he wanted to attract less outgoing women, he'd have to become more outgoing.

My observation: the dater was more aggresive than he was comfortable with and needed to be more comfortable being aggressive. How does this relate to me? As a talkative person, I attract the socially awkward. At first I thought that meant I should become less talkative. I don't think so. I think I need to fine tune my talking by focusing on the person I'm conversing with. I'm already a socially savvy person. By fine tuning my conversational skills, I'll be able to showcase the best me.  My conversations aren't reflecting that because I fear asking the wrong questions or having an inability to relate to the other person.

That's an easy fix though. I googled a few small talk topics such as: small talk techniques & small talk topics. Then I started practising. I've put together my own learning bullet points below as a quick start guide to gaining confidence on "getting out there" and show casing the real me.

• Small talk is one way of blessing someone by helping them feel more comfortable in a situation

• The goal is to learn about the other person and not to tell the other person about you

• Practice, practice, practice. That means throwing yourself into social situations you normally wouldn't enter

• Use the technique called "A.O.R." - Ask, Observe, Reveal. That means you're asking a question (or using some kind of icebreaker), observing the other person by digesting their response and relating to the other person by revealing something about yourself (e.g. adding to the conversation)

• It's ok to talk about yourself if it's a brief vignette and you're relating to what the other has said

• Do not attempt to hog the conversation

• Never interrupt. If you do so accidently, apologize

• Pay close attention to introductions. Be sure you can pronounce the person's name and use it often throughout the conversation so you remember it

• Ask questions that require follow-up questions

• Only ask non-personal questions that aren't threatening to a new person

• React to what a person says in a manner that's appropriate (if it's a joke, laugh even if it's not funny; if they're revealing something that's supposed to be insightful, respond as though it's been insightful-even if it isn’t). This creates a connection and leaves the person feeling fulfilled

• Skip motives (getting a date, finding a job) and just learn about the other person...enjoy the conversation

• Not every conversation will lead to a friend, contact or networking opportunity and that’s ok. Sometimes the purpose is to bless someone else, sometimes it's a blessing for you and sometimes it's a mutual blessing

• Don't be negative. Keep things light and positive. Your company should be a pleasure

• Make and maintain eye contact throughout the conversation.

• Listen closely for things you have in common. Then use that commonality to ask a follow-up question

• Keep things short and casual. When meeting someone new, understand that certain personal topics are off limits

• Smile constantly, laugh easily and be breezy. You're company should be pleasurable

• Don't reveal things about yourself that would make the other uncomfortable (a recent death, a health problem)

• Know when to end the conversation. Use body language and verbal cues. If the other person isn't contributing to the conversation and is starting to look around the room, it's time to cut it short

• Exit with grace (perhaps leave for the restroom, to refresh your drink, or check your BlackBerry)

• Realize that small talk is a great way of expanding your perspective

I started practicing these tips at recent "friending" event and at an Asian American Networking event (yes, I'm not Asian!) and have had great success. Happy practicing!

The Calling

At the age of 16 I vowed I would make a difference in the lives of children. At the time, I had no idea how to make the vision a reality. Through time my vision began to become my calling. My calling would wax and wane which always confused me. I was discouraged when I didn't see God planting any serving opportunities in my path. By my mid-20s I had nearly given up my calling. Perhaps it was all just a "feeling" and not really backed by God? That is until last year when I was on the brink of singlehood and wondering how to use my free time. I brushed the cobwebs off my calling and one day stumbled across CASA's website; quickly I attended an information session. My heart began to sore when I realized perhaps my calling was about to come true. Could this be what God wanted? To my dismay, I learned some daytime weekday hours were required. Without even speaking to my employer, I decided to archive this volunteer opportunity. I reasoned there was no way my firm would ever give me the time off needed to make volunteering a reality. Besides, working with children this hurt and neglected would surely be difficult.

A year later after another crushing relationship ended, I began to turn my heart to the Lord. It was difficult to realize that He was requiring uttermost obedience to His will. I quickly realized the blessings of my life were being withheld because of my own unwillingness to follow His call and direction.

A most extraordinary thing occurred. Last month our secretarial manager asked me to post an advertisement on our firm's website. It was announcing the arrival of CASA to the firm. CASA would be discussing how employees of the firm could volunteer. It was a blinding statement of my next course. It was a course I wasn't quite up for following.

I began studying for the GMAT. I decided I hated being an assistant, such a demeaning title; I wanted to be an accountant so I could make more money to support myself. I felt I needed to move out of my father's house and become a real grown-up. The thing is, as I began studying I became more and more weighted with my calling. I began to get the feeling and urge from the Holy Spirit that I was to remain at the firm and volunteer. It seemed evident that my finances and desires for freedom should be put in His hands. I was convicted for not trusting Christ to take care of me. Here's what led to the confirmation of all these spiritual feelings (which I avoid trusting in, I don't believe Christianity is the psychic friends network).

CASA's volunteer information session at the firm is in March. I vow to be the first person through the door. I'm leaving the rest of my desires (for my own place, more pay & single friends) to His safe keeping.