Men Nest Too!...?

I sat across a very Irish looking, 30 something man on Friday night. It was our first date. He was lively and full of physical and sexual energy. I, on the other hand, was full of black Friday sales! The pair of misty grey slim cut cords I was eyeing were on sale for 40% off and only 1 pair remained in my size. I seized them, ran to the register and purchased them before meeting my date for dinner. I was still glowing from my post sale conquest.

During dinner my date made a striking comment that started me thinking. Before the big comment let me give you some background info. He started by explaining he owns his own condo and went on to say the previous owner didn't do much for the place. So my date put up molding and just purchased new doors for the entire condo. He was so excited about the door knobs he had just chosen that he whipped out his device to show me the picture of the nobs! I fained being impressed, as a polite lady should always do on a date. It's not that I wasn't impressed, it's just that the process of home improving for a woman usually means new counter tops, drapes and furnishings. For a man it's molding, doors, door nobs and new paint.

My point isn't about what constitutes home improvement, rather the comment that followed his improvements. He said he hoped to meet a nice girl soon, date her for a year, get married and then move into a house. He was improving for resale value. This struck me because it was the first time I realized men nest too. It seems that both men and women begin nesting as a way of preparing one's heart and making space for someone new.

X Marks The Spot - But Does It Ever Go Away?

Recently I began thinking long and hard about love for an X. Here's the one big question - do we ever stop thinking about an X that we really loved?

I've had several happily married friends with happy little broods of their own confide that they think about an X. They've scanned facebook pages, asked mutual friends for information and some have even reconnected, either in person or via email/phone "just to see how things are going". I'm asked time and again -- "why do I still think about him?" These ladies swear they're happy with the man they have.

That's a tough question to answer. Here's my little theory about love; I remind you, it's just a theory and I only have my personal experience to go on. I think love and the memories we've shared with an X last a lifetime. Our experiences with this other person are etched into our memories and when memories pop up, it's only natural to want to reminisce about them with the person we created them with.

You're probably thinking "That's great but what do I do when I'm married and with children but can't stop thinking about an X?" or "What do I do if the man I was with will never marry me and I've found someone else and I love this guy but I still think of someone else?" If you are married or have the true desire to move on, there are only 3 things to do:

1) Understand that love and memories don't die just because the relationship did.
2) Give the desire and the thoughts over to Christ in prayer.
3) Resist and flee from the temptation to contact this person. This means not looking or engaging in activities that establish any kind of connection (this means facebook, blogs, emailing, calling, talking or thinking about the person).

These thoughts are natural but they do point to a discontentment of the heart. However, this discontent will not be solved by returning to an old flame, it will be solved when we learn to be satisfied with Christ alone.

Abundant Life

It seems appropriate to write about an abundant life on the eve of Thanksgiving. It's 10:00 p.m. and I'm filled with gratitude. I'm no longer standing in a dessert waiting for the rain, rather I'm in the dessert living next to a well that never runs dry. This was the first holiday where loneliness wasn't grating against my heart. In times past I would yearn for my mother's hand to be in mine, for her companionship and consolation.  Tears haven't been shed over loss instead my heart looks gratefully to the heavens and I thank God for the abundance of what He's given me. I'm still single, working the same job and all my friends are married. Externally nothings changed - except one key thing, my heart.

Through fasting, multiple daily Bible readings and much prayer my sorrow has been transformed. Tears have brought compassion, loneliness; solitude, loss; fulfillment. The Lord has been teaching me the key to contentment is in seeking that which is spiritual. The spiritual can never be touched by the evil in this world. Seeking the spiritual has freed me from being a slave to my desires. I never thought that the cutting away of my desires would lead to freedom. This freedom has given me the abundant life I've dreamt for. I hope you ensue godliness with all you have. You will never be disappointed with Christ. never.never.never.

Debunking a myth -- marriage & a baby changes a friendship

I started off the morning with a little bit of dread and a lot of self pity. While I've embraced my single status, a bit of envy always creeps in when I'm heading to meet a married friend. That's what I did this morning. I ventured off into the jungle of New York to meet up with an old friend who had a baby a few months back. I worried I wouldn't be enthusiastic about the baby and that she'd speak of nothing but her precious little one. Having a precious little one seems so far away from where I am. I've feared greatly that life would change once my friends were married and I'd be left in a heap of ashes, alone and terribly bored.

Nothing could be further from the truth. As we headed through the streets of NY, I munched on Waldorf salad at abc kitchen and then had dinner at a pub in Gramercy with her. I thought the birth of her child would create a great divide, that life would be different and that we'd be planets rotating around the same sun but light years apart.  

As I walked towards the train and headed back to the burbs of Jerz, I realized something. On the surface our lives appear to be different. She's married with a child and I'm single with a career but in the end we're both looking for the same thing: to be happy with what we have and to let go of what we don't have.

Relating to Conflict

On Tuesday I went to a book signing and conversation with the authors of a recently published book, Your So Called Life, and was relieved to learn many women are facing the same challenges I'm facing as a nearly 30 year old woman. One particular challenge has been enlightening. As I round the 30 year mile marker, I've learned how to respond better to relational conflict. I'm learning that as I grow older I'm becoming more established in my viewpoints. These viewpoints have caused a clash between friends, family and work. I'm learning to accept that conflicts are inevitable in all relationships. Here's a little cheat sheet I do now to guide me through the clashing storms of conflict. It goes like this...

IT STARTED WITH ME
-  Lord examine and reveal my heart.
   Did I contribute to the situation?
   Am I jealous about something?
   Why do I feel the way I feel? 
   Ultimately is it me? 
- Sometimes I don't know exactly why I feel the way I do but You do. Help me understand myself.   

SOMETHING TRIGGERED IT
- Lord, help me to be patient with this person. Let me not presume I know the heart of another because only you do. Help me gain understanding by seeking Your knowledge.
- What was the context of the conflict?
   Where did it occur?
   Why did it occur?
   What did I say or do?
   Could I have said or done something differently?

HOW DO I RESPOND?
- Is this something I should respond to? Is it the right season to respond? Lord, help me know the appropriate time in approaching this.
    How well do I know this person?
    How well do I know their character?
    Is this typical for them?
- Do I know enough about the "clash" or do I need further information? More information is usually best. Help me listen to the other person and not feel the need to defend myself. You are my defense.
- How do I respond to this? Remind me that I must not start or continue an argument. Help me humbly address the situation if that is what's needed.

The theme is consistent. Conflict starts and ends with me. With Christ's help I must ascertain what direction to take the conflict in. God will give discernment and wisdom as to pursuing or not pursuing the issue as well as the strength to forgive.