Men Nest Too!...?

I sat across a very Irish looking, 30 something man on Friday night. It was our first date. He was lively and full of physical and sexual energy. I, on the other hand, was full of black Friday sales! The pair of misty grey slim cut cords I was eyeing were on sale for 40% off and only 1 pair remained in my size. I seized them, ran to the register and purchased them before meeting my date for dinner. I was still glowing from my post sale conquest.

During dinner my date made a striking comment that started me thinking. Before the big comment let me give you some background info. He started by explaining he owns his own condo and went on to say the previous owner didn't do much for the place. So my date put up molding and just purchased new doors for the entire condo. He was so excited about the door knobs he had just chosen that he whipped out his device to show me the picture of the nobs! I fained being impressed, as a polite lady should always do on a date. It's not that I wasn't impressed, it's just that the process of home improving for a woman usually means new counter tops, drapes and furnishings. For a man it's molding, doors, door nobs and new paint.

My point isn't about what constitutes home improvement, rather the comment that followed his improvements. He said he hoped to meet a nice girl soon, date her for a year, get married and then move into a house. He was improving for resale value. This struck me because it was the first time I realized men nest too. It seems that both men and women begin nesting as a way of preparing one's heart and making space for someone new.

X Marks The Spot - But Does It Ever Go Away?

Recently I began thinking long and hard about love for an X. Here's the one big question - do we ever stop thinking about an X that we really loved?

I've had several happily married friends with happy little broods of their own confide that they think about an X. They've scanned facebook pages, asked mutual friends for information and some have even reconnected, either in person or via email/phone "just to see how things are going". I'm asked time and again -- "why do I still think about him?" These ladies swear they're happy with the man they have.

That's a tough question to answer. Here's my little theory about love; I remind you, it's just a theory and I only have my personal experience to go on. I think love and the memories we've shared with an X last a lifetime. Our experiences with this other person are etched into our memories and when memories pop up, it's only natural to want to reminisce about them with the person we created them with.

You're probably thinking "That's great but what do I do when I'm married and with children but can't stop thinking about an X?" or "What do I do if the man I was with will never marry me and I've found someone else and I love this guy but I still think of someone else?" If you are married or have the true desire to move on, there are only 3 things to do:

1) Understand that love and memories don't die just because the relationship did.
2) Give the desire and the thoughts over to Christ in prayer.
3) Resist and flee from the temptation to contact this person. This means not looking or engaging in activities that establish any kind of connection (this means facebook, blogs, emailing, calling, talking or thinking about the person).

These thoughts are natural but they do point to a discontentment of the heart. However, this discontent will not be solved by returning to an old flame, it will be solved when we learn to be satisfied with Christ alone.

Abundant Life

It seems appropriate to write about an abundant life on the eve of Thanksgiving. It's 10:00 p.m. and I'm filled with gratitude. I'm no longer standing in a dessert waiting for the rain, rather I'm in the dessert living next to a well that never runs dry. This was the first holiday where loneliness wasn't grating against my heart. In times past I would yearn for my mother's hand to be in mine, for her companionship and consolation.  Tears haven't been shed over loss instead my heart looks gratefully to the heavens and I thank God for the abundance of what He's given me. I'm still single, working the same job and all my friends are married. Externally nothings changed - except one key thing, my heart.

Through fasting, multiple daily Bible readings and much prayer my sorrow has been transformed. Tears have brought compassion, loneliness; solitude, loss; fulfillment. The Lord has been teaching me the key to contentment is in seeking that which is spiritual. The spiritual can never be touched by the evil in this world. Seeking the spiritual has freed me from being a slave to my desires. I never thought that the cutting away of my desires would lead to freedom. This freedom has given me the abundant life I've dreamt for. I hope you ensue godliness with all you have. You will never be disappointed with Christ. never.never.never.

Debunking a myth -- marriage & a baby changes a friendship

I started off the morning with a little bit of dread and a lot of self pity. While I've embraced my single status, a bit of envy always creeps in when I'm heading to meet a married friend. That's what I did this morning. I ventured off into the jungle of New York to meet up with an old friend who had a baby a few months back. I worried I wouldn't be enthusiastic about the baby and that she'd speak of nothing but her precious little one. Having a precious little one seems so far away from where I am. I've feared greatly that life would change once my friends were married and I'd be left in a heap of ashes, alone and terribly bored.

Nothing could be further from the truth. As we headed through the streets of NY, I munched on Waldorf salad at abc kitchen and then had dinner at a pub in Gramercy with her. I thought the birth of her child would create a great divide, that life would be different and that we'd be planets rotating around the same sun but light years apart.  

As I walked towards the train and headed back to the burbs of Jerz, I realized something. On the surface our lives appear to be different. She's married with a child and I'm single with a career but in the end we're both looking for the same thing: to be happy with what we have and to let go of what we don't have.

Relating to Conflict

On Tuesday I went to a book signing and conversation with the authors of a recently published book, Your So Called Life, and was relieved to learn many women are facing the same challenges I'm facing as a nearly 30 year old woman. One particular challenge has been enlightening. As I round the 30 year mile marker, I've learned how to respond better to relational conflict. I'm learning that as I grow older I'm becoming more established in my viewpoints. These viewpoints have caused a clash between friends, family and work. I'm learning to accept that conflicts are inevitable in all relationships. Here's a little cheat sheet I do now to guide me through the clashing storms of conflict. It goes like this...

IT STARTED WITH ME
-  Lord examine and reveal my heart.
   Did I contribute to the situation?
   Am I jealous about something?
   Why do I feel the way I feel? 
   Ultimately is it me? 
- Sometimes I don't know exactly why I feel the way I do but You do. Help me understand myself.   

SOMETHING TRIGGERED IT
- Lord, help me to be patient with this person. Let me not presume I know the heart of another because only you do. Help me gain understanding by seeking Your knowledge.
- What was the context of the conflict?
   Where did it occur?
   Why did it occur?
   What did I say or do?
   Could I have said or done something differently?

HOW DO I RESPOND?
- Is this something I should respond to? Is it the right season to respond? Lord, help me know the appropriate time in approaching this.
    How well do I know this person?
    How well do I know their character?
    Is this typical for them?
- Do I know enough about the "clash" or do I need further information? More information is usually best. Help me listen to the other person and not feel the need to defend myself. You are my defense.
- How do I respond to this? Remind me that I must not start or continue an argument. Help me humbly address the situation if that is what's needed.

The theme is consistent. Conflict starts and ends with me. With Christ's help I must ascertain what direction to take the conflict in. God will give discernment and wisdom as to pursuing or not pursuing the issue as well as the strength to forgive.

The Girl Date

When I threw out my dating books last month, I also threw out the extreme desire to date. Dating is too exhausting.

Instead, I embraced the idea of making new male and female friends to endure the seemingly endless dating path of singledom that I'm on. I started a dining out group called "Foodventure", began traveling solo and now write about everything. In the process I've collided with lots of people. Here's the funny part, a new phenomenon has emerged in my singledom - the girl date. Before you get any ideas about me having changed teams etc. let me explain. I've found myself recently pursuing and being pursued by other women in search of new gal pals. Essentially this is ocurruing because all their existing pals are otherwise preoccupied with their marriages and children. So while at various social events, we'll meet another interesting girl and then we're forced to either ask for her number, locate her email address or hope to run into her again. In the last couple months, I've found myself sitting across from a few different women having either coffee, brunch or dinner. We've made the typical date conversation such as: "where do you live?" or "what do you do for a living?" and then as the moments materialize we begin wondering if we're meant to be friends. I can't tell you how many times after these "dates" I'm left wondering if I talked too much (I usually always do) or wondering if I asked enough questions about the other person. As the time comes to a close, I drive home wondering when it's appropriate to contact her again and if she wants to be my friend. It's absolutely hilarious because this same introspection occurs in dating, job searching and networking.

This new type of date, the kind where we're auditioning to be friends has quite intrigued me. It's intrigued me because I'm learning that every potential relationship begins with chemistry, then progresses to an audition and eventually leads to both parties exploring the level of connection. Like I stated earlier, this occurs not only in romantic dating but also on job interviews, when meeting new friends and networking. I thought understanding this concept would take the bite out of dating but instead it's revealed a fascinating something. That something is that every relationship develops in the same manner and each new contact holds the promise of something or nothing.

Is it Talent or Just Hard Work?

While in college, we'd sit on the scratchy common area wing chairs and debate the topic of talent v. practice until the early morning hours. I staunchly believed talent was the determiner of success while many of my most talented musician friends firmly insisted - practice creates talent. My friends have the research to back their hunch while I have none to back mine. Yet if practice creates talent it means a world of limitless possibilities is ahead.

It's long been accepted that Mozart was a musical prodigy. What most don't discuss is how he became one. Mozart began learning music when he 4 years old by his father. His father was not only a famous music teacher but was also a skilled composer who wrote one of the first books of violin instruction. 

In 1985 Benjamin Bloom's research, explained in Developing Talent in Young People, corroborates that Mozart wasn't unusually gifted. Bloom's research revealed a direct scientific correlation between a young person's intense practice, coaching, and unwavering support of parents. These three facets comprise the making of an expert. What exactly is an expert?

An expert is:
1) Someone whose performance is consistently superior to that of his peers
2) Results are concrete
3) Results are able to be replicated and measured in a scientific way

It takes approximately 10,000 hours or 10 years to become an expert in something. 2 key facets comprise the making of an expert: (1) deliberate practice and (2) relentless coaching by an expert.

(1) Deliberate Practice
Definition: Considerable, specific and sustained efforts to do something you can't do well or at all.

The point being that you must not only identify your strengths and improve them but you must also pinpoint your weaknesses and work repeatedly through them by concentrated practice. This type of practice requires concentrating and focusing on the goal and should be limited to 2-3 hours a day.

Professor Auer, Nathan Milstein's (famous violinist), instructor said of practice "It really doesn't matter how long. If you practice with your fingers, no amount is enough. If you practice with your head, 2 hours is plenty."

This type of real time practice should be supplemented with simulated exercises which are a solid learning method. Examples of simulation would include: (1) running the marathon course as part of training & (2) case studies. Knowing the terrain, expected outcome etc. trains the mind and body about what to expect.

(2) Deliberate Coaching
Deliberate coaching should be done by an expert who isn't afraid to deliver hurtful yet meaningful feedback. A skilled coach knows when to push his student because his student is ready for the next level. Yet coaching (on the job training) isn't the only mechanism for improving performance.

Benjamin Franklin was his own coach. He performed simulated exercises when desiring to become a better writer. He'd read favorite articles of Spectator and then copy the article from memory in his own words. He'd then compare his writing to the admired writer.

Understanding that experts aren't born but are made is a liberating thought. It means that it isn't luck but the right kind of hard work that creates talent and success. When applied properly, it means you can achieve a lot more dreams than you thought!

Further Reading:
The Making of An Expert

Practice Makes Perfect with the 10000 Hour Rule

Expect What You Want

I had a follow-up discussion with my boss and her boss about the possibility of a title change. I felt the title change was warranted due to my increase in responsibility over the past several years. Today I received the disheartening news that I'm not going to know if I'm getting a title change until after my 2010 End-Cycle Performance Evaluation which will occur in December after the focal concludes.

The discussion left a distaste in my mouth. It seems that where I work isn't concerned about the rise in my responsibilities. I'm expected to continue working and take on more work without the compensation or change in title. So, it is without adieu that I begin my job search again. I've learned a few things:

1. Nothing's permanent.
2. A good thing can come to an end.
3. When you know what you want take action to get it.
4. If you aren't feeling appreciated, find someone who is appreciative.
5. Never settle for less than what you deserve.
6. Time is money so begin making more as soon as you feel you're able.
7. Don't let one set back prevent you from pursuing your future.

So a chapter is coming to a close. I'm glad I took action. I'm not longer going to waste time hoping people will do what I ask. I'm going to expect what I ask for and move on when I don't get it.

What to Fast About

I was recently told an encouraging story about a woman who fasted for a year, not straight through of course but intermittentanly, in order to find a husband. It was a touching story and I figured if I wanted something so badly a little hunger and pleading with the Lord would surely help. I researched the reasons, how to fast and set aside several Saturdays to the task. I was strengthened spiritually and was immediately answered on many of my spiritual musings.

The interesting part was that the closer and closer I came to the Lord's heart, the more and more I realized I shouldn't be fasting for a husband. It's not that a husband is a terrible thing to pray for but it isn't a necessary thing to pray for. Whether I pray for a husband or not, it's a gift from God that He'll surely give in His perfect timing. What I need to fast and pray for is the strength to endure the pain of wanting that man and that child and seeing most of my friends having received both. I need the Lord to grant me the strength to hold onto to my faith when the answer doesn't immediately come. It's not that He hasn't answered because He has answered. It's that the answer hasn't materialized. God is a God of great surprises. His gifts far exceed the keenest of imaginations. He mysteriously takes horrendous circumstances and turns them into something fabulous. He is always glorified. The wait is worth the delightful surprise that the answer brings.

Here are some Biblical examples:
1. Daniel fasted and prayed for 10 days before an angel came. Imagine being so heartbroken you deny yourself food in the hopes God will hear you. It takes Him 10 days to get to you. There's no consolation. But the beauty is in the angel's message. Daniel is told the Lord heard his prayer and sent a messenger immediately but there was a terrible battle in heaven and the angel couldn't deliver the message. Today we have the Holy Spirit so while the answer may not materialize, God's comfort is ever with us.

2. Joseph saw a vision as a teenager that he would be a great man. He was then sold by his own brothers into slavery, then was falsely accused by his master's wife, thrown into prison and finally transported to Egypt. Yet in the end, Joseph's vision was correct. He did become the provision for his family.

Through all these examples the truth is plain to see. We're required to patiently wait for God's answers to materialize. Whether they materialize or they don't, we are still to labor for His kingdom. We must keep our eyes fixed on the heavenly kingdom, work hard here on earth for His glory and leave everything else to our loving Father. We know He loves us because He gave His life for us. He has nothing else He needs to give and yet He continues to give. We're on earth to worship a very powerful and loving God. With every breath we take we need to thank Him for all that He's done. The sun continues to rise, the moon continues to rise, the earth always rotates and so on. It's all in His care. Our hearts are a very small thing for Him to mind and He loves us so much that He takes the time to number our hairs, to think many thoughts about us and to even build us mansions in heaven. Praise God!

Giving it all up

I was wondering, as I sat in church this afternoon, if I should continue fasting. The week had been very discouraging and by Saturday I was on my knees pleading with the Lord for many things. I was pleading with Him mainly for certain desires to be fulfilled. I was anxious and feeling very lonely. Anyone who knows me, knows I don't handle loneliness very well.

There I was in the pew praying; praying over the congregation and through my very prayer the Lord was speaking clearly to me. It's important for me to disown myself, including my desires, dreams and everything in between. When Jesus called his disciples they abandoned all that they are and followed Him immediately. Personal abandonment is a daily task.

It is not that the Lord will not answer the desires of our heart. In fact, he bottles our tears and hears all our woes. It's that we are asked first if we love Him and how far we'll go to follow Him. There's only one road that leads to heaven and that path requires a trusting commitment. We must lay aside everything that hinders us (including our desires and dreams) and follow diligently after Him. We must placidly accept our lot and serve others before we serve ourselves. We must tend the heavenly vineyard and commit our soul to Him.

We won't be told what is ahead. It isn't for us to know. It is for us to have the faith in an eternal God that He will bring us through it all and give us all we need along the way. He's working it all out for our eternal good, not just for heaven but also for what's on earth.

Lord, give me strength to set out on Your task. Help me to entrust all else to Your capable hands.

A Realization On Love

What you want at 25 might not be what you want at 30 is what I was thinking the other day. While at New Brunswick's Frog & Peach in September and while in Charleston just last week, I realized something huge. I'm not looking for a GQ man anymore nor do I need someone who sweeps me off my feet and wisks me into a windy mist of romance. I'm looking for a man whose heart is set on Christ, whose looking for the mutual encouragement of a godly woman by his side. I don't need the fancy restaurants, the expensive chocolate or the big diamond ring. I just need the man who lives in Truth.

Lord have mercy on me and find him. I know he's out there looking for me. Please don't delay our love too long. Oh Lord have mercy.

The Query of The Heart

As I sit at my computer and begin to type on this lazy Saturday, I can't help but ponder last night's events. Foodventure was once again a success. We met, last minute, at a small local place and got to talking. A friend said something that answered a question I had in my heart as I was driving to meet everyone. The question was: At 29 are all the good men taken and am I not going to find someone because I wasn't fortunate enough to have met him young?

While at dinner my friend said he had dated and dated so many women and had one difficult experience after another. One day he realized he was fine being single and perhaps he shouldn't go so crazy looking for love. Two months later he met the woman he thinks he's going to marry.

Lord have mercy on me. Please just have mercy. Sometimes there's no other prayer to have. Thank you for answering the query of my heart in a very timely way.

Jake Owen - Don't Think I Can't Love You

I woke up one morning to find more than a memory of you

When I close my eyes and feel the beating of my heart beneath my chest I feel you. When did I awaken from the jet lag of death to find myself you? Where did you go and will you ever come back? My heart beckons to hear the sound of your voice, to see your faint smile and feel the warmth that overcame me when I lay against your side.

When I was born, you were there. As I grew up you were always there. Through all the angst ridden teenage years and into my 20s you were there. Where are you? Where'd you go sweet mum? Your spirit was swept up from earth and left at the bosom of Christ. This loneliness crushes against my heart, lodges there and then thunders through my conscienceness. The pangs that only the heart feels and the voice can never sing rest within me.

What happened? I awoke one summer's morning, light flooding my bedroom and realized you had left your heart inside of mine and now I carry you. Everywhere I go are memories of you. Is it heartache, heartbreak or something almost sweet? What's the difference between the deepest of pain and the widest of joy? Are they one and the same?

It makes me think of this i carry your heart with me by Edward Estlin Cummings

I don't know. It just happened. I woke up one morning to find more than a memory of you.

My Solo Travel Tips - Learned & Earned

Dining Out:
Avoid the chef's table. There's a misnomer out that you'll talk to people at the chef's table. I dined 4 nights alone and not one creature said anything even though I initiated conversation. INSTEAD:

Call the restaurant ahead of schedule and let them know what table and where you'd like it. Corner tables aren't given they're requesting so ask for it! If the maitre'd is reluctant go elsewhere. Your happiness is what's important at the end of the evening.

Diversify your daily activities:
I mistakenly planned just a couple of similar activities which is quite boring.

Ask the locals to suggest activities
While in Charleston recently, I sat at a wine bar and asked both the owner and his friend to write down some suggestions. So bring paper with you always as well so you capture the conversation.

Take advantage of mass transit:
If the city has discounted transit, take advantage of it.

The best thing about doing anything alone is you only worry about pleasing yourself. It's a great self discovery tool.

On Moving On

I read this article by Peter Bregman today. It had me thinking about some key "time to move on" points.

Point 1: When contemplating change ask yourself:

What do I most want/need out of the situation and am I getting most of it? 

•     If the answer is "I'm not getting most of it", move on. 
•     If you are getting most of it, stay.

Point 2: Understand you're a changing person. That means a lot of things will change: 1) relationships, 2) jobs, 3) routine and 4) even how you do things. Recognize that and come to peace with the fact that things are daily changing.

God is So Enormous

It's 3:37 a.m. on Wednesday. Later this morning I launch a new product to everyone I work with. My mind is racing, I guess you could say it's from nerves but I think it's rather just from life. Lately I've learned that in the grand scope of the universe, I know nothing. How humbling right? We definitely see in a glass darkly. When I contemplate the universe and the enormous God in whom I serve, I can't help but feel infinitely less important. Why am I hanging on to my lifeless life? Why do I fret over things like not having a family life? My life is small but the God I serve is so huge. The black hole in the heavens has a mass of 1,000 galaxies. Exactly how large is this God I serve? When the Bible says the earth is His footstool I almost can't imagine how large He really is. Understanding how huge God is shows me how true the verse is that says to be anxious for nothing. Lord increase and establish my faith.

"Bless The Broken Road" - Rascal Flatts Official Music Video

I hope this is me one day. :)

Careers & Children

Interesting article. I think a woman needs to carefully consider her career and potential employer if she sees children in her future. Not all employers are flexible and some careers require considerable hours. Having a career and children is possible but it requires creativity and sometimes a career shift.

For me, I'd love to be able to take some time away from my career and raise children. I've learned that life is about making a choice and dealing with the sacrifice. Some can put their 6 month old into daycare while others can't. For one, leaving a career is a lesser sacrifice than leaving a child in daycare. For the other it's the opposite. Some of us have to work. I long for the day when I can focus on my family for a season. I plan to return to work but hopefully not while my children are very young. Hence I'm laying the groundwork by creating a career that gives me a broad range of skills and the flexibility to do something part time. I want to enjoy my children rather than multi-task throughout the day. Of course, each to her own!

The Shadows of Our Past

So I've begun the memoir about my mother. The funny thing is I absolutely can't write it in her voice and as I write, I'm unearthing truths about myself. I'm excavating my memories, searching for her story. Her story is almost too tragic and too personal to tell. It's a story she opted not to share with the world at large. Meanwhile, my story is one filled with the happiness she created for me.

It's weird, the story I'm telling is about my future. As I write my potential future is unwrapping. My future and my past are sewn together by rich memories created from my mother's bond to me. It's as though her story continues into mine. Her legacy is becoming mine. She was striving for the life she wanted. While I don't think she got all of it, I think her daughter's life will complete her dream. The memories of our past are shadows that follow us into our future. The dreams and prayers of a mother are coming to fruition in the daughter. It's as though God is creating a quilt. He's stitching her piece of the quilt to mine and together we're forming something - perhaps a piece of Him? Not sure.