The Girl Date

When I threw out my dating books last month, I also threw out the extreme desire to date. Dating is too exhausting.

Instead, I embraced the idea of making new male and female friends to endure the seemingly endless dating path of singledom that I'm on. I started a dining out group called "Foodventure", began traveling solo and now write about everything. In the process I've collided with lots of people. Here's the funny part, a new phenomenon has emerged in my singledom - the girl date. Before you get any ideas about me having changed teams etc. let me explain. I've found myself recently pursuing and being pursued by other women in search of new gal pals. Essentially this is ocurruing because all their existing pals are otherwise preoccupied with their marriages and children. So while at various social events, we'll meet another interesting girl and then we're forced to either ask for her number, locate her email address or hope to run into her again. In the last couple months, I've found myself sitting across from a few different women having either coffee, brunch or dinner. We've made the typical date conversation such as: "where do you live?" or "what do you do for a living?" and then as the moments materialize we begin wondering if we're meant to be friends. I can't tell you how many times after these "dates" I'm left wondering if I talked too much (I usually always do) or wondering if I asked enough questions about the other person. As the time comes to a close, I drive home wondering when it's appropriate to contact her again and if she wants to be my friend. It's absolutely hilarious because this same introspection occurs in dating, job searching and networking.

This new type of date, the kind where we're auditioning to be friends has quite intrigued me. It's intrigued me because I'm learning that every potential relationship begins with chemistry, then progresses to an audition and eventually leads to both parties exploring the level of connection. Like I stated earlier, this occurs not only in romantic dating but also on job interviews, when meeting new friends and networking. I thought understanding this concept would take the bite out of dating but instead it's revealed a fascinating something. That something is that every relationship develops in the same manner and each new contact holds the promise of something or nothing.

Is it Talent or Just Hard Work?

While in college, we'd sit on the scratchy common area wing chairs and debate the topic of talent v. practice until the early morning hours. I staunchly believed talent was the determiner of success while many of my most talented musician friends firmly insisted - practice creates talent. My friends have the research to back their hunch while I have none to back mine. Yet if practice creates talent it means a world of limitless possibilities is ahead.

It's long been accepted that Mozart was a musical prodigy. What most don't discuss is how he became one. Mozart began learning music when he 4 years old by his father. His father was not only a famous music teacher but was also a skilled composer who wrote one of the first books of violin instruction. 

In 1985 Benjamin Bloom's research, explained in Developing Talent in Young People, corroborates that Mozart wasn't unusually gifted. Bloom's research revealed a direct scientific correlation between a young person's intense practice, coaching, and unwavering support of parents. These three facets comprise the making of an expert. What exactly is an expert?

An expert is:
1) Someone whose performance is consistently superior to that of his peers
2) Results are concrete
3) Results are able to be replicated and measured in a scientific way

It takes approximately 10,000 hours or 10 years to become an expert in something. 2 key facets comprise the making of an expert: (1) deliberate practice and (2) relentless coaching by an expert.

(1) Deliberate Practice
Definition: Considerable, specific and sustained efforts to do something you can't do well or at all.

The point being that you must not only identify your strengths and improve them but you must also pinpoint your weaknesses and work repeatedly through them by concentrated practice. This type of practice requires concentrating and focusing on the goal and should be limited to 2-3 hours a day.

Professor Auer, Nathan Milstein's (famous violinist), instructor said of practice "It really doesn't matter how long. If you practice with your fingers, no amount is enough. If you practice with your head, 2 hours is plenty."

This type of real time practice should be supplemented with simulated exercises which are a solid learning method. Examples of simulation would include: (1) running the marathon course as part of training & (2) case studies. Knowing the terrain, expected outcome etc. trains the mind and body about what to expect.

(2) Deliberate Coaching
Deliberate coaching should be done by an expert who isn't afraid to deliver hurtful yet meaningful feedback. A skilled coach knows when to push his student because his student is ready for the next level. Yet coaching (on the job training) isn't the only mechanism for improving performance.

Benjamin Franklin was his own coach. He performed simulated exercises when desiring to become a better writer. He'd read favorite articles of Spectator and then copy the article from memory in his own words. He'd then compare his writing to the admired writer.

Understanding that experts aren't born but are made is a liberating thought. It means that it isn't luck but the right kind of hard work that creates talent and success. When applied properly, it means you can achieve a lot more dreams than you thought!

Further Reading:
The Making of An Expert

Practice Makes Perfect with the 10000 Hour Rule

Expect What You Want

I had a follow-up discussion with my boss and her boss about the possibility of a title change. I felt the title change was warranted due to my increase in responsibility over the past several years. Today I received the disheartening news that I'm not going to know if I'm getting a title change until after my 2010 End-Cycle Performance Evaluation which will occur in December after the focal concludes.

The discussion left a distaste in my mouth. It seems that where I work isn't concerned about the rise in my responsibilities. I'm expected to continue working and take on more work without the compensation or change in title. So, it is without adieu that I begin my job search again. I've learned a few things:

1. Nothing's permanent.
2. A good thing can come to an end.
3. When you know what you want take action to get it.
4. If you aren't feeling appreciated, find someone who is appreciative.
5. Never settle for less than what you deserve.
6. Time is money so begin making more as soon as you feel you're able.
7. Don't let one set back prevent you from pursuing your future.

So a chapter is coming to a close. I'm glad I took action. I'm not longer going to waste time hoping people will do what I ask. I'm going to expect what I ask for and move on when I don't get it.

What to Fast About

I was recently told an encouraging story about a woman who fasted for a year, not straight through of course but intermittentanly, in order to find a husband. It was a touching story and I figured if I wanted something so badly a little hunger and pleading with the Lord would surely help. I researched the reasons, how to fast and set aside several Saturdays to the task. I was strengthened spiritually and was immediately answered on many of my spiritual musings.

The interesting part was that the closer and closer I came to the Lord's heart, the more and more I realized I shouldn't be fasting for a husband. It's not that a husband is a terrible thing to pray for but it isn't a necessary thing to pray for. Whether I pray for a husband or not, it's a gift from God that He'll surely give in His perfect timing. What I need to fast and pray for is the strength to endure the pain of wanting that man and that child and seeing most of my friends having received both. I need the Lord to grant me the strength to hold onto to my faith when the answer doesn't immediately come. It's not that He hasn't answered because He has answered. It's that the answer hasn't materialized. God is a God of great surprises. His gifts far exceed the keenest of imaginations. He mysteriously takes horrendous circumstances and turns them into something fabulous. He is always glorified. The wait is worth the delightful surprise that the answer brings.

Here are some Biblical examples:
1. Daniel fasted and prayed for 10 days before an angel came. Imagine being so heartbroken you deny yourself food in the hopes God will hear you. It takes Him 10 days to get to you. There's no consolation. But the beauty is in the angel's message. Daniel is told the Lord heard his prayer and sent a messenger immediately but there was a terrible battle in heaven and the angel couldn't deliver the message. Today we have the Holy Spirit so while the answer may not materialize, God's comfort is ever with us.

2. Joseph saw a vision as a teenager that he would be a great man. He was then sold by his own brothers into slavery, then was falsely accused by his master's wife, thrown into prison and finally transported to Egypt. Yet in the end, Joseph's vision was correct. He did become the provision for his family.

Through all these examples the truth is plain to see. We're required to patiently wait for God's answers to materialize. Whether they materialize or they don't, we are still to labor for His kingdom. We must keep our eyes fixed on the heavenly kingdom, work hard here on earth for His glory and leave everything else to our loving Father. We know He loves us because He gave His life for us. He has nothing else He needs to give and yet He continues to give. We're on earth to worship a very powerful and loving God. With every breath we take we need to thank Him for all that He's done. The sun continues to rise, the moon continues to rise, the earth always rotates and so on. It's all in His care. Our hearts are a very small thing for Him to mind and He loves us so much that He takes the time to number our hairs, to think many thoughts about us and to even build us mansions in heaven. Praise God!

Giving it all up

I was wondering, as I sat in church this afternoon, if I should continue fasting. The week had been very discouraging and by Saturday I was on my knees pleading with the Lord for many things. I was pleading with Him mainly for certain desires to be fulfilled. I was anxious and feeling very lonely. Anyone who knows me, knows I don't handle loneliness very well.

There I was in the pew praying; praying over the congregation and through my very prayer the Lord was speaking clearly to me. It's important for me to disown myself, including my desires, dreams and everything in between. When Jesus called his disciples they abandoned all that they are and followed Him immediately. Personal abandonment is a daily task.

It is not that the Lord will not answer the desires of our heart. In fact, he bottles our tears and hears all our woes. It's that we are asked first if we love Him and how far we'll go to follow Him. There's only one road that leads to heaven and that path requires a trusting commitment. We must lay aside everything that hinders us (including our desires and dreams) and follow diligently after Him. We must placidly accept our lot and serve others before we serve ourselves. We must tend the heavenly vineyard and commit our soul to Him.

We won't be told what is ahead. It isn't for us to know. It is for us to have the faith in an eternal God that He will bring us through it all and give us all we need along the way. He's working it all out for our eternal good, not just for heaven but also for what's on earth.

Lord, give me strength to set out on Your task. Help me to entrust all else to Your capable hands.

A Realization On Love

What you want at 25 might not be what you want at 30 is what I was thinking the other day. While at New Brunswick's Frog & Peach in September and while in Charleston just last week, I realized something huge. I'm not looking for a GQ man anymore nor do I need someone who sweeps me off my feet and wisks me into a windy mist of romance. I'm looking for a man whose heart is set on Christ, whose looking for the mutual encouragement of a godly woman by his side. I don't need the fancy restaurants, the expensive chocolate or the big diamond ring. I just need the man who lives in Truth.

Lord have mercy on me and find him. I know he's out there looking for me. Please don't delay our love too long. Oh Lord have mercy.

The Query of The Heart

As I sit at my computer and begin to type on this lazy Saturday, I can't help but ponder last night's events. Foodventure was once again a success. We met, last minute, at a small local place and got to talking. A friend said something that answered a question I had in my heart as I was driving to meet everyone. The question was: At 29 are all the good men taken and am I not going to find someone because I wasn't fortunate enough to have met him young?

While at dinner my friend said he had dated and dated so many women and had one difficult experience after another. One day he realized he was fine being single and perhaps he shouldn't go so crazy looking for love. Two months later he met the woman he thinks he's going to marry.

Lord have mercy on me. Please just have mercy. Sometimes there's no other prayer to have. Thank you for answering the query of my heart in a very timely way.

Jake Owen - Don't Think I Can't Love You

I woke up one morning to find more than a memory of you

When I close my eyes and feel the beating of my heart beneath my chest I feel you. When did I awaken from the jet lag of death to find myself you? Where did you go and will you ever come back? My heart beckons to hear the sound of your voice, to see your faint smile and feel the warmth that overcame me when I lay against your side.

When I was born, you were there. As I grew up you were always there. Through all the angst ridden teenage years and into my 20s you were there. Where are you? Where'd you go sweet mum? Your spirit was swept up from earth and left at the bosom of Christ. This loneliness crushes against my heart, lodges there and then thunders through my conscienceness. The pangs that only the heart feels and the voice can never sing rest within me.

What happened? I awoke one summer's morning, light flooding my bedroom and realized you had left your heart inside of mine and now I carry you. Everywhere I go are memories of you. Is it heartache, heartbreak or something almost sweet? What's the difference between the deepest of pain and the widest of joy? Are they one and the same?

It makes me think of this i carry your heart with me by Edward Estlin Cummings

I don't know. It just happened. I woke up one morning to find more than a memory of you.

My Solo Travel Tips - Learned & Earned

Dining Out:
Avoid the chef's table. There's a misnomer out that you'll talk to people at the chef's table. I dined 4 nights alone and not one creature said anything even though I initiated conversation. INSTEAD:

Call the restaurant ahead of schedule and let them know what table and where you'd like it. Corner tables aren't given they're requesting so ask for it! If the maitre'd is reluctant go elsewhere. Your happiness is what's important at the end of the evening.

Diversify your daily activities:
I mistakenly planned just a couple of similar activities which is quite boring.

Ask the locals to suggest activities
While in Charleston recently, I sat at a wine bar and asked both the owner and his friend to write down some suggestions. So bring paper with you always as well so you capture the conversation.

Take advantage of mass transit:
If the city has discounted transit, take advantage of it.

The best thing about doing anything alone is you only worry about pleasing yourself. It's a great self discovery tool.

On Moving On

I read this article by Peter Bregman today. It had me thinking about some key "time to move on" points.

Point 1: When contemplating change ask yourself:

What do I most want/need out of the situation and am I getting most of it? 

•     If the answer is "I'm not getting most of it", move on. 
•     If you are getting most of it, stay.

Point 2: Understand you're a changing person. That means a lot of things will change: 1) relationships, 2) jobs, 3) routine and 4) even how you do things. Recognize that and come to peace with the fact that things are daily changing.

God is So Enormous

It's 3:37 a.m. on Wednesday. Later this morning I launch a new product to everyone I work with. My mind is racing, I guess you could say it's from nerves but I think it's rather just from life. Lately I've learned that in the grand scope of the universe, I know nothing. How humbling right? We definitely see in a glass darkly. When I contemplate the universe and the enormous God in whom I serve, I can't help but feel infinitely less important. Why am I hanging on to my lifeless life? Why do I fret over things like not having a family life? My life is small but the God I serve is so huge. The black hole in the heavens has a mass of 1,000 galaxies. Exactly how large is this God I serve? When the Bible says the earth is His footstool I almost can't imagine how large He really is. Understanding how huge God is shows me how true the verse is that says to be anxious for nothing. Lord increase and establish my faith.

"Bless The Broken Road" - Rascal Flatts Official Music Video

I hope this is me one day. :)