It's a conversation and little piece of wisdom I'll never forget. It goes something like this...
I sat at the edge of my bed, with the 5 ceiling fan bulbs directed over my face. I was holding a hand mirror as I examined the dozens of break outs on my face. I was skating towards a meltdown complete with tears and nasal wailing.
My mother entered the room ensconced in a midnight blue velvet zip up robe. Her short hair stood on its ends from having been reading in bed.
"Isn't it time for bed dear, dear, dearest darling?" she cajoled.
"No." I stated emphatically as I continued to zero in on the blemishes I'd been examining for the last 20 minutes.
"What are you doing?"
"I can't go on like this mom. Nothing is working. I have a date on Friday and look how ugly I look." I wailed as sobs began to choke out any future words that could be muttered.
"Oh dear. You're looking at yourself so closely. Remember it's your character that matters most and not what you look like. You want to be a woman after God's own heart right?" she pleaded.
I only began to sob harder. Her pleading wasn't feeling very helpful. I wanted nothing but clear skin that didn't require daily layers of foundation and concealer. At the time perfect skin seemed to be the answer to all life's problems.
"You don't understand mom! I'm tired of spackling layers of foundation and concealer onto my skin every morning. My skin is all bumpy and it's ruining the way I look". I continued to whine while sobbing.
She paused and looked at me quietly. She pursed her lips together and gazed at me fondly with a smile.
"Oh darling. I remember those days myself. One day, when you're older, you'll look back on these moments and laugh. You'll wonder why something so small could've bothered you so much. As you grow older you realize not to fret about things that will change in time or that you can't change but rather, you come to realize that this too shall pass away...I'd suggest heading to bed. Thankfully make-up is a blessed eraser."
She stroked my head and pulled the covers down from my bed. I obediently lay in bed. Her words were true. In time my skin would clear and looking back I realize I didn't look all that bad.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Monday, October 19, 2009
A Quiet & Gentle Spirit
It was a mid-winter Saturday afternoon. Grey clouds streaked the near sunless milky blue sky. Her daughter's mood matched the afternoon sky. She sat mournful, dejected and hopeless.
"He said I always criticize him. That he cringes whenever I open my mouth because it's always a complaint about something he's done." She said as she looked into her tea cup.
"Do you always criticize him, Tessa?" her mother urged gently.
Her daughter's eyes shot up away from her tea cup and flashed with anger. They widened as she began to speak. It was as though lightening were shooting from her grey eyes. "I don't think so. No! Actually I know I do not! When he makes mistakes I'm just clear that he's made a mistake so he doesn't do it again. Also, sometimes the way he does things...while they aren't bad, they could be improved. So I give him some suggestions."
Her mother pursed her lips and put down her fork. It was clear that the question has made Tessa very angry. Perhaps the truth hurt. She hated wounding her daughter and began to pray as to how to respond. How should she tell her that a man doesn't like to be improved? That a quiet, gentle spirit is best? Perhaps she shouldn't.
Tessa began to pick at her food. They sat at their favorite tea room and were supposed to be enjoying an afternoon of mother-daughter bonding. This was far from it!
"Tessa" she started. "You must be careful who you choose to align yourself to in terms of choosing a mate. A woman must look for a godly man whom she can honor. It's her duty to be obedient to him and to be his help mate. If there are things in Tim that you don't admire now, you must allow yourself to realize that they may not change. While God can do a tremendous work, if things are causing you to be critical of him on a frequent basis than perhaps you are not with the right man."
"It's not that he's bad mom. It's just that he's never on time for dates and has often 'forgotten' to call. He made plans with me a week in advance only to cancel them 15 minutes before we were getting together. Things like that really irritate me." She stated in a serious tone.
"I just want him to stop acting like that. I've told him so a hundred times and he still won't listen to me. It's like he doesn't care about me at all. I tell him that he doesn't care about me and he responds that I'm always critical." Her tears began to pool up.
Her mother took a deep breath. "Tessa, men don't change. You must be able to love a man for who is and not who you hope he'll become if you 'improve' him."
Tessa didn't seem to be paying attention. "Also he works constantly, forgets to call me during the week and doesn't even apologize to me when he sees me".
"Tim is working very hard Tessa. His job is very stressful. If you choose to be with someone like Tim you're going to have to be flexible regarding his schedule. Right now you should be asking yourself if you can be with someone long term who works very long hours. If the answer if yes, than you will need to make allowances."
"But I want to see him more. He doesn't even if say if he wants to see me. It's as though he doesn't care. He don't think he wants to see me except once a week" Tessa complained loudly.
"Try not to be so loud dear. Others are trying to enjoy their day out as well." her mother said gently.
"Oh mom really!" Tessa said in aggravation.
"Tessa, I'm certain Tim misses you during the week. It's just that he's busy working and in his down time sleeping. Men aren't like woman. They're not always able to multi-task. He may be too tired to see you. If he thinks you're going to complain when he calls then he won't." she began.
"As a woman, you must choose a man you can honor and you must be able to overlook many of his mistakes. No one is perfect but not everyone is right for everyone either. Tim isn't the kind of man to shower you with attention constantly. While this isn't a bad thing, it could be for you. You must recognize the limitations in your dating partner and be honest with yourself. Ask yourself Is this something I can live with? After 30 years of marriage I can tell you one thing. Men never change. Once you're married your main priority will be to support your husband in all he does. If you are not able to be supportive in most things, your mate will begin to avoid you. A man will give only when he feels most appreciated and recognized for his efforts, not necessarily yours. So you must choose someone in whose efforts you're pleased with. You won't like all his efforts but you must like most. When you don't like something you must learn to be quiet and gentle with him. When you do like something, you must freely praise him."
Her daughter said nothing. She realized that what she had said was difficult to hear. She wanted her daughter to understand that God's place for her was to be obedient both to God and to the man she chose. The choosing was the hardest part. He must be a man honorable enough to be recognized for his efforts. Not all men were honorable and only time and prayer would tell. If only she help Tessa understand. It was the secret to happy men. The secret was in letting the man make her happy in the way that suited him best.
"He said I always criticize him. That he cringes whenever I open my mouth because it's always a complaint about something he's done." She said as she looked into her tea cup.
"Do you always criticize him, Tessa?" her mother urged gently.
Her daughter's eyes shot up away from her tea cup and flashed with anger. They widened as she began to speak. It was as though lightening were shooting from her grey eyes. "I don't think so. No! Actually I know I do not! When he makes mistakes I'm just clear that he's made a mistake so he doesn't do it again. Also, sometimes the way he does things...while they aren't bad, they could be improved. So I give him some suggestions."
Her mother pursed her lips and put down her fork. It was clear that the question has made Tessa very angry. Perhaps the truth hurt. She hated wounding her daughter and began to pray as to how to respond. How should she tell her that a man doesn't like to be improved? That a quiet, gentle spirit is best? Perhaps she shouldn't.
Tessa began to pick at her food. They sat at their favorite tea room and were supposed to be enjoying an afternoon of mother-daughter bonding. This was far from it!
"Tessa" she started. "You must be careful who you choose to align yourself to in terms of choosing a mate. A woman must look for a godly man whom she can honor. It's her duty to be obedient to him and to be his help mate. If there are things in Tim that you don't admire now, you must allow yourself to realize that they may not change. While God can do a tremendous work, if things are causing you to be critical of him on a frequent basis than perhaps you are not with the right man."
"It's not that he's bad mom. It's just that he's never on time for dates and has often 'forgotten' to call. He made plans with me a week in advance only to cancel them 15 minutes before we were getting together. Things like that really irritate me." She stated in a serious tone.
"I just want him to stop acting like that. I've told him so a hundred times and he still won't listen to me. It's like he doesn't care about me at all. I tell him that he doesn't care about me and he responds that I'm always critical." Her tears began to pool up.
Her mother took a deep breath. "Tessa, men don't change. You must be able to love a man for who is and not who you hope he'll become if you 'improve' him."
Tessa didn't seem to be paying attention. "Also he works constantly, forgets to call me during the week and doesn't even apologize to me when he sees me".
"Tim is working very hard Tessa. His job is very stressful. If you choose to be with someone like Tim you're going to have to be flexible regarding his schedule. Right now you should be asking yourself if you can be with someone long term who works very long hours. If the answer if yes, than you will need to make allowances."
"But I want to see him more. He doesn't even if say if he wants to see me. It's as though he doesn't care. He don't think he wants to see me except once a week" Tessa complained loudly.
"Try not to be so loud dear. Others are trying to enjoy their day out as well." her mother said gently.
"Oh mom really!" Tessa said in aggravation.
"Tessa, I'm certain Tim misses you during the week. It's just that he's busy working and in his down time sleeping. Men aren't like woman. They're not always able to multi-task. He may be too tired to see you. If he thinks you're going to complain when he calls then he won't." she began.
"As a woman, you must choose a man you can honor and you must be able to overlook many of his mistakes. No one is perfect but not everyone is right for everyone either. Tim isn't the kind of man to shower you with attention constantly. While this isn't a bad thing, it could be for you. You must recognize the limitations in your dating partner and be honest with yourself. Ask yourself Is this something I can live with? After 30 years of marriage I can tell you one thing. Men never change. Once you're married your main priority will be to support your husband in all he does. If you are not able to be supportive in most things, your mate will begin to avoid you. A man will give only when he feels most appreciated and recognized for his efforts, not necessarily yours. So you must choose someone in whose efforts you're pleased with. You won't like all his efforts but you must like most. When you don't like something you must learn to be quiet and gentle with him. When you do like something, you must freely praise him."
Her daughter said nothing. She realized that what she had said was difficult to hear. She wanted her daughter to understand that God's place for her was to be obedient both to God and to the man she chose. The choosing was the hardest part. He must be a man honorable enough to be recognized for his efforts. Not all men were honorable and only time and prayer would tell. If only she help Tessa understand. It was the secret to happy men. The secret was in letting the man make her happy in the way that suited him best.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
The Heart Of Life Is Good
It was the evening of my mother's memorial service. The morning before I awakened to an empty house. Dosed on Ambien I lay in bed on a cool March morning. The golden morning sun filtered through the blinds and focused it's rays in my eyes. Where was my dad? More importantly, why wasn't my mother here anymore?
I lumbered out of bed and timidly opened her bedroom door. While standing there torrents of tears began to cloud my vision. My heart began racing and the last thing I remember is screaming on top of my lungs that I was so alone while staring up at the light blazing through her bedroom skylight. The next thing I knew it was S and I in my bedroom and the memorial service was over.
There she was, my brown sister, sitting crossed legged on the air mattress. We had just endured the most emotional afternoon of my life. I had experienced my one true fear-losing my mother. S had taken a couple days off from law school to sleep on my bedroom floor as I mourned. Her doe black eyes gazed fondly at me. I wasn't sure what to say. We had returned from having dinner with a group of my friends at Fridays.
"Remember when we got lost in Delaware senior year?" she asked playfully.
"Oh my! Yes. Can you believe how naive we were?"
"Sheesh. There we were talking and talking that night and totally got on the wrong Route 95. I remember rambling on and on about Marty while you remarked here and there that it was for the best." she said with a hushed giggle.
"Oh yea. That was some night. I remember freaking because I had my 8:00 a.m. upper management class that I refused to ever miss. Why the heck wouldn't I miss that stupid class anyways?" I responded exacerbated.
"I don't know. I kept trying to get you to cut class so we could go do something but you were so dutiful. You never ever missed a class" she said.
"We were always getting so lost. We were completely clueless about everything, especially boys. Did we even know what sex was?" I responded.
She pursed her lips for a moment. Suddenly her giggling turned to absolute laughter. "I really can't believe us. Remember when Brian told you all guys want sex from you?...You were so upset. You came back to school that weekend completely mortified."
"Oh yes" I laughed completely and couldn't stop.
"Didn't he say that after driving you home from a prayer meeting?"
I nodded, lauging too hard to respond.
"Of course I was mortified too because I thought guys were just saying hello to me because they wanted to get to know me. Imagine my shock!" she continued while laughing.
"How bout the time you came home from the Asian American Club dance declaring you had finally kissed a boy and you didn't even know him!" I said in hysterics.
"Oh my. How embarrassing was that! I freaked for days because you asked me immediately why I kissed someone I didn't know."
We began to laugh uncontrollably. There we were, sprawled out on her air mattress laughing over all our naive college thoughts. It was amazing how naive and utterly clueless two women could be. There we were, top students with no life experience. That was when we were 21. There we were at 24 burying my mother. Life experience was coming in the form of buying a cemetary plot and picking a casket. I'll never forget that moment, as we lay there, releasing the horrors of the afternoon into our laughter and into the chill of that March night. Our laughter knit us together into a bond closer than sisterhood. We had lived through pain and would see more before the year was out. Two months later she would call me to say her bobba (father) had passed away of a sudden heart attack. That evening, we once again had the laugh of a lifetime.
Thank you S for always laughing; for reminding me to keep my chin up. You are my first true friend. The first to notice me for me. To look beyond the blunt, opinionated girl and see something beautiful and then remind me of it time and again. Best wishes for your health and happiness always.
"But then the circle of your firends will defend the silver lining" - John Mayer taken from his song "The Heart of Life is Good".
I lumbered out of bed and timidly opened her bedroom door. While standing there torrents of tears began to cloud my vision. My heart began racing and the last thing I remember is screaming on top of my lungs that I was so alone while staring up at the light blazing through her bedroom skylight. The next thing I knew it was S and I in my bedroom and the memorial service was over.
There she was, my brown sister, sitting crossed legged on the air mattress. We had just endured the most emotional afternoon of my life. I had experienced my one true fear-losing my mother. S had taken a couple days off from law school to sleep on my bedroom floor as I mourned. Her doe black eyes gazed fondly at me. I wasn't sure what to say. We had returned from having dinner with a group of my friends at Fridays.
"Remember when we got lost in Delaware senior year?" she asked playfully.
"Oh my! Yes. Can you believe how naive we were?"
"Sheesh. There we were talking and talking that night and totally got on the wrong Route 95. I remember rambling on and on about Marty while you remarked here and there that it was for the best." she said with a hushed giggle.
"Oh yea. That was some night. I remember freaking because I had my 8:00 a.m. upper management class that I refused to ever miss. Why the heck wouldn't I miss that stupid class anyways?" I responded exacerbated.
"I don't know. I kept trying to get you to cut class so we could go do something but you were so dutiful. You never ever missed a class" she said.
"We were always getting so lost. We were completely clueless about everything, especially boys. Did we even know what sex was?" I responded.
She pursed her lips for a moment. Suddenly her giggling turned to absolute laughter. "I really can't believe us. Remember when Brian told you all guys want sex from you?...You were so upset. You came back to school that weekend completely mortified."
"Oh yes" I laughed completely and couldn't stop.
"Didn't he say that after driving you home from a prayer meeting?"
I nodded, lauging too hard to respond.
"Of course I was mortified too because I thought guys were just saying hello to me because they wanted to get to know me. Imagine my shock!" she continued while laughing.
"How bout the time you came home from the Asian American Club dance declaring you had finally kissed a boy and you didn't even know him!" I said in hysterics.
"Oh my. How embarrassing was that! I freaked for days because you asked me immediately why I kissed someone I didn't know."
We began to laugh uncontrollably. There we were, sprawled out on her air mattress laughing over all our naive college thoughts. It was amazing how naive and utterly clueless two women could be. There we were, top students with no life experience. That was when we were 21. There we were at 24 burying my mother. Life experience was coming in the form of buying a cemetary plot and picking a casket. I'll never forget that moment, as we lay there, releasing the horrors of the afternoon into our laughter and into the chill of that March night. Our laughter knit us together into a bond closer than sisterhood. We had lived through pain and would see more before the year was out. Two months later she would call me to say her bobba (father) had passed away of a sudden heart attack. That evening, we once again had the laugh of a lifetime.
Thank you S for always laughing; for reminding me to keep my chin up. You are my first true friend. The first to notice me for me. To look beyond the blunt, opinionated girl and see something beautiful and then remind me of it time and again. Best wishes for your health and happiness always.
"But then the circle of your firends will defend the silver lining" - John Mayer taken from his song "The Heart of Life is Good".
Thursday, October 01, 2009
The Rules of Contentment
If we wished to gain contentment we might try such rules as these :
1. Allow thyself to complain of nothing (not even of the weather), knowing that everything is ordained or overruled by God.
2. Never picture thyself to thyself in any circumstances in which thou art not.
3. Never compare thine own lot with that of another.
4. Never allow thyself to dwell on the wish that this or that were otherwise than it was or is.
5. Never dwell on the morrow. Remember that it is God's, not thine. The heavier part of sorrow often is to look forward to it. ' The Lord will provide.'
Taken from E.B. Pusey. Click here to go to the source document.
1. Allow thyself to complain of nothing (not even of the weather), knowing that everything is ordained or overruled by God.
2. Never picture thyself to thyself in any circumstances in which thou art not.
3. Never compare thine own lot with that of another.
4. Never allow thyself to dwell on the wish that this or that were otherwise than it was or is.
5. Never dwell on the morrow. Remember that it is God's, not thine. The heavier part of sorrow often is to look forward to it. ' The Lord will provide.'
Taken from E.B. Pusey. Click here to go to the source document.
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